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RETURN  TO 
WALT  Di  3TUDIO 

GAG  I 


THE 


PUNSTER'S    POCKET-BOOK, 


ENLARGED. 

BY 

BERNARD  BLACKMANTLE,  ESQ. 

AUTHOR  OF  THE  EVGLISH  SPY,  ETC.  ETC.  ETC. 


Give  me  the  man,  when  all  is  done, 
That  wisely  cracks  a  jest  or  pun." 


Martini. 


ILLUSTRATED    WITH 

JBumrroujj  SDrtginat  JDegiffnjS 
BY  ROBERT  CRUIKSHANK. 


LONDON : 

PUBLISHED    BY    SHERWOOD,    GILBERT,    AND    PIPER, 
.  PATERNOSTER-ROW. 


-1826. 


,    .Hi 


LONDON: 

VRINTF.D   BY  THOMAS  DAVISOJf,  WHITF.FR  I ARS. 


BRLF 
URL 


TO 

?i?i?>  ^tlo^t  Gracious 
KING   GEORGE    THE    FOURTH, 

THE  ARBITER  ELEGANTIARUM, 
THE    PATRON, 

THE  LOVER, 
AND  THE  JUDGE  OF  WIT, 

THIS  LITTLE  VOLUME  IS  DEDICATED, 

WITH     THE     MOST     FERVENT     LOYALTY, 

THE  MOST  SINCERE  ADMIRATION, 

AND  THE  MOST  PROFOUND  RESPECT, 

BY  HIS  DEVOTED  SERVANT, 

AND  FAITHFUL  SUBJECT, 


WORD 


THE  WITTY  AND  THE  WISE. 


Wit  led  the  way — with  sportive  jest, 
Next,  Humour,  most  fantastic  drest ; 
The  Graces,  eldest  of  the  Nine, 
Followed — collecting  from  each  shrine, 
Where  Genius  shed  a  ray  of  light, 
Which  might  improve,  instruct,  delight. 


MESSIEURS  THE  PUNSTERS, 

I  MAY  with  great  propriety  contend,  that  under 

such  merry  designation,  I  am  addressing  a  very 

large  portion  of  the  British  public.      If,  beneath 

your  patronage,  this  little  work   should  prove  as 


Vlll 


Lancaster,  surrounded  by  the  rival  roses.  The  Scriptures 
opened  are  appropriate  to  the  Tudor  family  ;  and  their  na- 
tional emblem,  the  thistle,  is  considered  most  emblematical 
of  the  Stuart  race.  A  lion,  with  the  cap  of  liberty,  denotes 
the  benefits  England  has  derived  from  their  successors,  the 
Prince  of  Orange ;  and  the  unicorn  chained  to  the  scroll  is 
indicative  of  Hanover  attached  to  the  sovereignty  of  Great 
Britain.  The  imperial  crown  of  Charlemagne,  which  sur- 
mounts Brunswick,  is  nearly  obscured  and  lost  behind  the 
crown  and  sceptre  of  a  British  sovereign,  George  the  Fourth, 

WHOM  GOD  PRESERVE. 


..irc^sL- 


PROLEGOMENA  ON  PUNNING. 

RESPECTFULLY    ADDRESSED 

TO  PUNSTERS  IN  GENERAL. 


LITERARY   FIREWORKS. 

What  are  Puns,  and  Jests,  and  Quirks  ? 
But  Literary  Fireworks. 

Here  are  squibs  for  dull  November ; 
Crackers,  too,  for  gay  December ; 
Rockets,  charged  with  wit  and  fun  ; 
Wild-Jires  made  to  touch  and  run  j 
Blue-lights  from  the  Em'rald  Isle ; 
British-balls,  to  chase  the  bile; 
Jioman  fires,  an&jeux  d'esprits; 
From  Vatican,  and  Thuilleries ; 
And  here's  BLACKMANTLE — punning  elf- 
To  personate  GUY  VAUX  himself. 


IT  will  doubtless  be  the  opinion  of  many  a  reader 
that  a  Prefatory  Essay  on  such  a  subject  as  Punning 
can  possess  little  of  interest,  and  nothing  of  novelty. 
I  would,  however,  request  any  one  entertaining 
this  idea  to  suspend  his  judgment  till  he  has  given 
the  matter  ampler  consideration. 

I 


2  PROLEGOMENA 

In  addressing  these  preliminary  remarks  to  pun- 
sters in  general,  I  think  I  have  taken  effectual  means 
to  render  them  of  universal  interest.     When  a  cer- 
tain author,  who  had  dedicated  one  of  his  volumes 
"  to  those  who  think"  was  charged  with  want  of 
judgment  in  catering  for  such  a  limited  number  of 
individuals,  he  justified  his  discernment  by  observ- 
ing, that,  however  little  numerous  the  body  of  think- 
ing people  might  be,  every  reader  would  at  least  rank 
himself  in  that  class.     Our  question  can  stand  on 
much  broader  ground ;  for  we  assert,  without  fear 
of  contradiction,  that  of  the  many  judicious  persons 
who,  without  doubt,  will  peruse  and  patronise  these 
pages,  not  one  will  be  found  who  is  not  only,  seju- 
dice,  a  punster,  but  who  has  not,  probably  "  many 
a  time  and  oft,"  exhibited  among  his  boon  com- 
panions whatever  portion  of  talent  he  may  possess 
in  that  line  of  wit.     It  has  been  asked  by  a  well- 
known  writer,  "  Did  any  man  of  liberal  education 
ever  go  through  his  teens  without  perpetrating  the 
crime  of  making  verses  ?"     I  am  contented  to  wave 
the  narrow  distinction,  by  which  uneducated  per- 
sons would  be  excepted,  and,  with  respect  to  the 
nobler  and  far  more  generally  diffused  art  of  pun- 
ning, would  inquire,  Does  any  one,  whatever  be  his 
rank  or  attainments,  reach  his  twentieth  year,  with- 


ON    PUNNING. 

out  (we  will  not  speak  so  inaccurately  as  to  say, 
perpetrating  the  crime,  but)  contributing  one  or 
more  puns  to  the  common  stock  ?  Certainly  not. 
What  the  ancients  rather  hyperbolically  asserted 
of  writing  (for  the  many,  who  were  uninstructed  in 
the  mechanical  part  of  that  art,  could  not  by  possi- 
bility have  exercised  ii),Scribimus  indocti  doctique, 
is  literally  true  as  applied  to  punning :  lettered  and 
unlettered,  all  alike  pun  away.  From  the  humble 
son  of  Crispin,  who,  having  nothing  but  one  of  his 
sutorial  weapons  at  hand  wherewith  to  despatch  his 
cotelette  de  bceitf,  remarked  that  his  all  was  at  stake, 
to  the  gifted  Sheridan,  who  discovered  that  Doc- 
tors' Commons  was  the  greatest  thoroughfare  in 
England,  in  virtue  of  the  old  adage,  "  where  there 
is  a  WILL,  there  is  a  WAY,"  each  man  sports  his 
calembourg. 

Still,  as  it  frequently  happens  that  what  is  most 
generally  practised,  is  far  from  being  best  under- 
stood, so  is  it  with  punning.  It  has  been  too  much 
the  case  to  treat  it  with  levity  and  inconsiderateness ; 
to  regard  it  as  mere  trifling ;  to  view  it  at  best  as  a 
feeble  missile  from  the  armoury  of  wit,  only  adapted 
for  the  "  puny  (query  punny  ?)  whipster,"  and 
which  those  who  are  qualified  to  wield  more  va- 


PROLEGOMENA 

luable  weapons  would  scarcely  deign  to  employ. 
I  trust  that,  in  the  course  of  these  introductory  ob- 
servations, I  shall  effectually  dispel  all  such  er- 
roneous prejudices,  and  shall  satisfactorily  assert 
the  true  dignity  of  the  art,  so  that  my  readers  may 
join  with  me  in  exclaiming, 

"  Punica  se  quantis  attollet  gloria  rebus  !" 

and  may  perceive,  that  it  is  not  only  venerable 
from  its  antiquity,  and  supported  by  the  authority 
of  persons  of  taste  and  learning,  who  have  inva- 
riably cultivated  it,  but  is  likewise  highly  beneficial 
to  the  bodily  health,  moral  feeling,  and  intellectual 
improvement  of  the  community. 

With  respect  to  its  antiquity,  we  find  it  treated 
of  by  the  most  eminent  writers  upon  rhetoric  among 
the  ancients,  who  not  only  class  it  among  the  beau- 
ties-of  language,  but  have  stamped  it  with  the  dig- 
nity of  a  distinct  figure  of  speech,  assigning  to  it  an 
appropriate  name.  I  make  no  observations  upon 
the  injudicious  attempts  of  some  modern  commen- 
tators to  ally  it  to  the  paranomasia,  it  being  evi- 
dently the  antanaclasis  of  the  rhetoricians.  The 
great  Aristotle  (Rhet.  ch.  11.)  enumerates  two  or 
three  different  species  of  irafay^a/xjoiara,  the  name 


ON    1'UNNIXG.  5 

he  gives  to  puns,  in  his  remarks  upon  this  figure, 
and  cites  examples  of  each  kind,  with  expressions 
of  commendation,  from  some  of  the  most  celebrated 
Greek  authors.  In  Cicero's  treatise  on  Oratory,  a 
variety  of  instances  of  the  antanaclasis  are  quoted, 
and  highly  praised  by  him  for  their  wit.  His  own 
puns,  with  which  his  works  abound,  are  more  di- 
stinguished for  their  number  than  their  excellence : 
humour  does  not  appear  to  have  been  his  forte,  but 
his  frequent  attempts  at  punning  sufficiently  evince 
the  high  estimation  in  which  it  was  held  by  himself 
and  his  contemporaries.  The  ancient  poets,  strange 
as  it  may  appear,  were  not,  in  general,  adepts  in 
this  art,  if  we  except  Aristophanes  among  the 
Greeks,  and  Ovid  and  Martial  among  the  Latins. 
From  the  two  last  mentioned  writers  (the  former  of 
whom  indeed  would  readily  furnish  a  cento  of  puns) 
I  beg  leave  to  select  two  examples.  The  one  is 
where  Ovid  makes  Leander  say,  "  POSITO  cum 
veste  timoreT  the  other  is  the  well-known  epigram 
by  Martial  on  the  emperor  Nero  : 

"  Quis  negai  JEnece  natum  de  stirpe  Neronem  ? 
SUSTULIT  hie  matrem,  SUSTULIT  ille  patrem." 

I  adduce  these  examples,  because  Addison,  after 
erroneously  defining  a  pun  to  be  merely  "  a  conceit 


O  PROLEGOMENA 

arising  from  the  use  of  two  words  that  agree  in  the 
sound,  but  differ  in  the  sense,1'  goes  on  to  inform  us 
that  if  translated  into  a  different  language,  it  will 
vanish  in  the  experiment ;  in  fact  he  would  re- 
present it  as  vox  et  prtelerea  nihil,  a  sound,  and 
nothing  but  a  sound.  Unquestionably  there  are  a 
multitude  of  puns  that  might  answer  this  de- 
scription, but  it  is  far  from  being  applicable  to  all. 
In  the  two  instances  I  have  just  brought  forward, 
the  words  posito  and  sustulit  can  be  exactly  trans- 
lated into  English,  and  both  the  sense  and  the  pun 
retained.  The  truth  is,  that  Addison,  like  many 
more  who  have  thought  proper  to  be  very  severe  on 
the  talents  of  the  punning  fraternity,  was  evidently 
not  very  accurately  acquainted  with  the  nature  of 
what  he  was  attacking. 

If  the  plea  of  antiquity  can  thus  be  justly  ad- 
vanced in  favour  of  punning,  the  continued  ad- 
herence of  all  nations  in  all  periods  to  the  practice, 
may  likewise  with  reason  be  urged  in  its  support. 
Nor  are  its  ramifications  of  slight  importance.  It 
may  be  considered  as  the  origin  of  technical  terms, 
most  of  which,  if  properly  analysed,  will  prove  to 
be  virtual  puns  or  conundrums ;  as  the  parent  of 
double  entendre  of  every  description ;  and  even  as 
containing  the  germs  of  that  slang  formerly  con- 


ON  PUNNING.  7 

fined  to  the  lower  walks  of  life,  but,  in  our  more 
cnb'ghtened  days,  emulously  studied  even  among 
the  Corinthian  pillars  of  polished  society. 

The  number  of  final  letters,  which  among  the 
French  are  mere  ciphers  in  pronunciation,  has  al- 
ways given  them  a  decided  advantage  in  puns  of 
mere  words  over  every  other  nation.  Their  writings 
and  conversation  are  alike  replete  with  them  ;  but 
they  are  almost  invariably  of  that  kind  alluded  to 
by  Addison,  which  are  lost  if  clothed  in  any  but 
their  native  dress.  Indeed  this  is  almost  a  necessary 
consequence  of  the  very  circumstance  already  al- 
luded to,  which  ensures  them  such  superior  facility 
in  the  production  of  puns.  A  brace  of  these  I  shall 
present  my  readers  with,  both  as  exhibiting  a  strong 
confirmation  of  what  I  have  above  said,  and  as  being 
of  modern  date,  and,  in  my  opinion,  of  sterling 
excellence.  The  first  of  these  is  the  reply  made  by 
a  Parisian  wit,  to  a  person  who  asked  him  what 
was  the  true  distinction  between  a  flea  and  a  louse. 
He  answered  that  they  were  only  disciples  of  dif- 
ferent philosophers:  the  lice  being  followers  of 
Epictetus  (dcs  pique-teles),  and  the  fleas  of  Epi- 
curus (des  piqueurs).  The  other  is  an  epigram, 
much  talked  ofF  at  the  time  of  its  appearance  in  the 
French  metropolis,  written  by  some  wag,  under  a 


8  PROLEGOMENA 

picture  of  Louis  XVIII.  painted  by  Le  Gros,  and 
placed  in  one  of  the  public  exhibitions.  The 
striking  resemblance  of  the  head  and  neck  of  that 
monarch  to  those  of  a  rabbit  is  well  known  ;  and  of 
this  circumstance  the  malicious  epigrammatist  thus 
happily  avails  himself  in  the  pasquinade  referred 
to: 

Le  Gros  1'a  peint !  (legros  lupin  !) 

Le  Gros  1'a  peint ! 

Notre  bon  souverain. 

De  la  peinture  admirez  la  magic  : 

Tout  le  raonde  a  la  fois  s'ecrie, 

Le  Gros  1'a  peint  I 

Le  Gros  1'a  peint ! 

As  I  have  assumed  the  privilege  in  these  re- 
marks of  being  as  desultory  and  digressive  as  I 
please,  I  shall  here  notice  what  I  term  macaroni 
punning,  effected  by  a  fictitious  melange  of  different 
languages.  Sometimes  this  will  arise  from  the  in- 
spection of  a  single  word.  Who,  for  instance, 
can  forbear  smiling  at  the  curious  orthoepical  coin- 
cidence by  which  an  accommodating  fair  one  is  in 
Latin  designated  meretrix?  This,  however;  is  the 
simplest  effort  of  the  macaroni  class,  and  far  from 
implying  that  ingenuity  visible  in  higher  flights  of 
the  same  kind,  which  are  frequently  conspicuous 


ON  PUNNING.  y 

for  their  wit  and  pithiness.  Lord  Erskine's  in- 
scription on  his  tea  chest,  Tu  doces,  is  of  great 
merit  in  its  way.  Lord  Norbury,  I  believe,  has 
the  reputation  of  having  observed,  upon  seeing 
some  young  fellow  vain  of  his  personal  attractions 
almost  in  tears  at  contemplating  the  manner  in 
which  the  nocturnal  attacks  of  a  band  of  jumpers 
had  disfigured  his  face,  "  Fle-bit,  he  will  weep." 
His  countryman  Currants  reply  to  his  rival  counsel 
Egan,  will  not  easily  be  forgotten.  The  latter, 
coming  out  of  court,  and  observing  on  Currants 
coat  a  certain  disgrace  to  the  poll,  addressed  him 
in  the  words  of  Virgil : 

"  Die  mihi,  Damceta,  cujum  pecus  ?  an  Meliboei  ?" 

Curran  immediately  replied  by  completing  the 
passage : 

"  Non,  verum  JEooNis :  nuper  mihi  tradidit  JEooN." 

Probably,  however,  Swift's  impromptu  quotation 
on  seeing  a  Cremona  violin  swept  off  a  table  by  a 
lady's  mantua : 

"  Mantua,  vse  !  miserse  nimium  vicina  Cremona?," 

will  always  stand  at  the  head  of  puns  of  this  class. 
I  own  that  I  am  particularly  delighted  with  a 


10  PROLEGOMENA 

good  macaroni  pun.  It  necessarily  implies,  not 
only  superior  wit,  but  a  considerable  fund  of  learn- 
ing, on  the  part  of  the  punster.  And  what  is  still 
better,  it  shows  that  this  learning  is  free  from  the 
rust  of  pedantry,  tending  to  enliven  those  around 
him,  and  not  to  create  in  him  a  repulsive  conceit, 
and  a  haughty  estrangement  from  society.  His 
candle  is  not  hidden  under  a  bushel,  but  freely  and 
cheerfully  dispenses  its  light :  His  treasure  is  not 
kept  in  the  form  of  useless  hoarded  bullion,  but  is 
converted  into  a  valuable  circulating  medium,  the 
coin  being  liberally  and  extensively  distributed  by 
its  owner. 

The  inmates  of  universities  have  usually  been 
remarked  for  their  attachment  to  punning.  The 
men  of  Cambridge,  in  particular,  have  ever,  from 
their  foundation,  been  distinguished  by  their  excel- 
lence as  paragrammatists.  It  surely  not  a  little 
exalts  this  noble  art,  that  those  who  have  enjoyed 
peculiar  opportunities  of  justly  appreciating  every 
thing  connected  both  with  abstruse  and  polite  li- 
terature, should  have  sedulously  cultivated  it.  And 
I  think  I  may  be  allowed  to  say,  in  contradiction 
to  the  reiterated  attempts  of  prejudice  and  stupidity 
to  undervalue  it,  that  I  never  met  with  a  person 


ON  PUNNING.  11 

incapable  of  some  degree  of  excellence  in  punning, 
who  was  remarkable  for  any  species  of  wit  above 
the  practical  jokes  of  a  merry-andrew. 

But  it  is  not  only  on  its  high  antiquity,  its  ex- 
tensive diffusion,  or  the  distinguished  authorities 
that  can  be  adduced  in  support  of  it,  that  the  claims 
of  punning  are  founded.  The  philosopher  who 
defined  man  to  be  ro  faov  yeXwt,  certainly  selected 
the  only  characteristic  besides  that  of  speech,  which 
particularly  and  exclusively  distinguishes  man  from 
the  brute  creation. 

"  'Twas  said  of  old,  deny  it  now  who  can, 
The  only  laughing  animal  is  man. 
The  bear  may  leap,  its  lumpish  cubs  in  view, 
Or  sportive  cat  her  circling  tail  pursue ; 
The  grin  deep-lengthen  pug's  half-human  face, 
Or  prick'd  up  ear  confess  the  siinp'ring  ass : 
In  awkward  gestures  awkward  mirth  be  shown, 
Yet,  spite  of  gesture,  man  still  laughs  alone." 

Now  to  the  exercise  of  this  high  and  distinguished 
prerogative  of  our  nature,  what  is  a  more  certain 
stimulant  than  a  pun  ?  If  it  be  good,  you  laugh 
at  the  pun  ;  if  bad,  at  the  punster  ;  and  in  either 
case,  he  is  almost  certain  to  laugh  himself.  More- 


PROLEGOMENA 

over,  the  punster  is  one  of  all  others,  "  qtietnjocus 
risusque  circumvolat  "  not  only  witty  himself,  but 
the  cause. of  wit  in  others;  for  it  is  rarely,  indeed, 
in  the  social  circle,  that  one  pun  is  not  the  signal 
for  a  series  of  others.  The  cards  are  generally 
played  after  the  first  is  led,  till  the  suit  is  fairly 
out. 

But  laughter  is  not  only  one  of  the  principal  fa- 
culties which  distinguish  man  from  inferior  animals ; 
it  likewise  contributes  greatly  to  the  promotion  and 
preservation  of  health.  "  Laugh  and  grow  fat,11  is 
a  very  old  and  a  very  wise  adage. 

And  observe,  the  fat  which  thus  increaseth  the 
ribs  is  wholesome,  good,  firm  fat,  bearing  no  re- 
semblance whatever  to  the  adipose  envelope  of  the 
bloated  and  corpulent.  Those  who  are  clothed 
with  laughter-begotten  fat  are,  moreover,  in  ge- 
neral, of  humour  frank  and  free,  cordial,  cheerful, 
and  enterprising ;  as  dissimilar  to  the  indolent, 
arthritic,  or  the  selfish  gourmand,  as  to  the  cada- 
verous, saturnine,  acetous  beings  who  stalk  about 
like  so  many  skeletons,  galvanised  into  temporary 
motion,  and  presenting  a  memento  mori  to  all  they 
meet.  And  if  such  be  the  genial,  the  beneficial, 
effects  of  laughter,  can  we  laud  too  highly  the 


CW    PUNNING.  13 

practice  of  punning,  that  most  apt  and  prompt  in- 
strument of  promoting  it  ? 

In  another  point  of  view,  too,  this  art  doth  not  a 
little  contribute  to  the  advancement  and  improve- 
ment of  moral  feeling.  How  often  have  the  aspe- 
rities incident  to  conversation  been  instantly  soft- 
ened down  by  the  means  of  a  well-timed  pun? 
How  many  a  rising  storm  of  colloquial  debate  and 
controversial  wrath  has  been  dispelled  by  the  same 
salutary  agency,  when  wisdom  would  have  failed 
to  convince,  or  mediation  to  conciliate  ?  The  able 
punster  has  perhaps  more  frequent  opportunities 
than  any  other  character,  of  securing  the  blessing 
pronounced  upon  the  peace-maker. 

The  pious  Dr.  Watts,  in  his  Introduction  to 
Logic,  has  commented  on  the  moral  as  well  as 
literary  evils  arising  from  the  number  of  equivocal 
and  the  comparative  paucity  of  univocal  words. 
Now  the  knowledge  of  a  disease  being  half  its  cure, 
who  is  so  likely  to  be  exempt  from  the  evils  arising 
from  the  above-mentioned  sources  as  the  punster? 
Every  fresh  touch  of  his  art  may  be  considered  as 
a  discovery  of  some  more  of  these  dangerous  equi- 
vocals,  and  indeed  his  whole  life  may  be  regarded 
as  a  philanthropic  voyage  in  quest  of  them,  com- 


14  PROLEGOMENA 

birring  the  double  advantage  of  exciting  mirth  by 
their  timely  production,  and  affording  a  salutary 
warning  to  the  hearer  against  the  employment  of 
such  Proteus  terms  in  grave  and  serious  discussion. 
Thus  again  we  see  the  paragrammatist  enabled  to 
contribute  in  a  high  degree  to  the  social  enjoyment, 
literary  improvement,  and  moral  amelioration  of 
his  fellow  creatures. 

If  wit  consists  principally,  as  the  first  of  modem 
philosophers  has  affirmed,  in  the  unexpected  asso- 
ciation of  ideas  apparently  far  removed  in  their  na- 
ture from  each  other,  punning  must,  in  its  very 
essence,  claim  to  rank  in  the  highest  class  of  wit. 
And  how  must  the  frequent  exercise  of  searching 
for  such  associations,  and  bringing  them  however 
recondite  to  light,  sharpen  the  intellect  of  the  indi- 
vidual engaged  in  it !  We  have  already  adverted 
to  the  general  practice  of  this  art  among  the  mem- 
bers of  our  universities ;  we  may  likewise  observe 
that  the  learned  body  of  the  law,  a  body  distin- 
guished perhaps  beyond  any  other  for  their  su- 
perior shrewdness,  and  extent  of  general  informa- 
tion, are  universally  partial  to  it.  The  barrister 
who  pleads,  and  the  judge  who  directs,  are  alike 
ambitious  to  display  their  excellence  in  this  highly 


ON    PUNNING.  15 

prized  art ;  and  justice  herself,  though  for  the  sake 
of  her  character  she  must  needs  be  blind,  is  rarely 
found  deaf  to  the  sallies  of  the  punster. 

Ohe !  jam  satis  est.  Sufficient,  we  are  persuaded, 
has  been  said  to  satisfy  all  persons  of  the  value 
and  excellence  of  punning,  except  indeed  the  ob- 
stinately incredulous;  and  such,  as  a  just  pu- 
nishment, we  would  excommunicate  for  ever  from 
the  enjoyment  of  puns,  and  the  society  of  punsters. 
Can  we  pronounce  a  severer  doom  ? 

But  as  the  best  of  things  are  the  most  liable  to 
abuses,  so  has  the  cause  of  punning  suffered  much 
from  the  want  of  judgment  evinced  by  many  of  its 
votaries.  Anxious,  as  far  as  possible,  to  contribute 
to  maintaining  this  noble  art  in  the  possession  of 
its  well-merited  reputation,  we  venture  a  few  words 
of  caution  to  some  of  its  professors  on  the  errors 
too  frequently  committed  by  them. 

Imprimis,  a  pun,  like  an  epigram,  is  worth  little 
indeed  if  the  point  can  be  anticipated.  Hence 
proper  names,  though  they  have  in  some  few  in- 
stances been  successfully  worked  upon,  are  in  ge- 
neral bad  materials  for  the  punster.  The  attempt 
to  pun  upon  Black,  White,  Green,  Brown,  Scott, 
England,  and  id  genus  omne,  if  productive  of  any 


16  PROLEGOMENA 

laughter,  is  of  that  only  which  is  excited  by 
the  imbecility  and  empty  pretensions  of  him  who 
makes  it.  In  justice  to  our  contemporary  JOHN 
BULL,  we  must  observe  that  on  this  very  dangerous 
ground,  he  is  almost  the  only  person  who  has  had 
the  singular  felicity  of  uniformly  appearing  with 
success. 

For  the  same  reason  that  we  object  to  proper 
names,  we  need  scarcely  observe  that  all  trite  puns 
are  detestable.  There  are  a  number  of  words, 
such  as  heart,  love,  soul,  last,  grave,  and  a  host  of 
others,  that  have  been  fairly  worn  thread-bare  in 
the  service.  Let  him  whose  wit  is  not  competent 
to  discover  some  other  sources  than  these  hackneyed 
ones,  be  a  listener,  but  by  no  means  a  speaker  in  a 
circle  of  punsters.  Decies  repetita  placebit,  how- 
ever just  it  may  be  as  the  criterion  of  merit  in  a 
poem,  will  never  do  for  a  pun,  one  of  whose  chief 
excellencies  is  novelty, — nay,  which  often,  however 
rich  at  the  moment  of  its  utterance,  will  not  suc- 
cessfully admit  of  repetition,  even  to  those  who 
have  never  before  heard  it,  at  another  time  and 
under  different  circumstances. 

A  pun  can  rarely  be  considered  very  good,  which 
involves  a  difference  of  orthography.  It  appears 


ON  PUNNING.  17 

like  a  descent  from  its  true  dignity  to  the  level  of 
a  common  conundrum. 

Lastly,  let  every  punster  bear  in  mind,  that 
punning  is  only  the  sauce  of  conversation,  and  that 
he  who  thinks  to  entertain  by  introducing  it  con- 
tinually into  his  discourse,  resembles  a  man  who 
should  present  me  with  a  dish  of  Cayenne  pepper 
alone  by  way  of  a  meal.  It  may  likewise  be  ob- 
served, that  what  is  usually  called  an  inveterate, 
is  never  a  good  punster.  The  constant  desire  of 
display,  by  accustoming  himself  to  be  contented 
with  mediocrity,  or  something  below  it,  almost 
disqualifies  him  from  uttering  any  thing  above  it. 
We  may  say  with  justice,  "  a  pun  spoken  in  good 
season,  how  good  is  it  P  Time,  and  place,  and 
persons  too,  must  be  regarded.  The  punster,  while 
he  enlivens  conversation,  is  one  of  the  greatest  ac- 
quisitions to  a  company ;  when  he  only  interrupts 
it,  he  is  one  of  its  greatest  nuisances.  Much  more 
could  we  add  concerning  both  the  theory  and 
practice  of  this  art,  but  we  would  not  willingly 
become  tedious.  Gentle  reader,  whosoever  thou  art, 
receive  in  good  part  what  we  have  here  written ; 
imbue  thyself  with  such  a  love  of  punning,  and 
such  a  sense  of  its  dignity,  that  thy  efforts  may 
exalt  and  not  degrade  it :  so  shalt  thou  merit  the 

c 


18 


PROLEGOMENA,  &C. 


good  wish  which,  with  a  sincere  heart,  we  now 
bestow  upon  thee :  Mayest  thou  become  one  of  the 
warmest  admirers  of  punning,  and  shine  as  one  of 
the  first  of  punsters  ! 


THE  ORIGIN  OF  PUNNING 


FROM   PLATO  S  SYMPOSIACKS. 

BY  DR.  SHERIDAN. 

ONCE  on  a  time  in  merry  mood, 
Jove  made  a  Pun  of  flesh  and  blood : 
A  double  two-faced  living  creature, 
Androgynes,  of  two-fold  nature, 
For  back  to  back  with  single  skin 
He  bound  the  male  and  female  in  ; 
So  much  alike,  so  near  the  same, 
They  stuck  as  closely  as  their  name. 
Whatever  words  the  male  exprest, 
The  female  turn'd  them  to  a  jest ; 
Whatever  words  the  female  spoke, 
The  male  converted  to  a  joke : 
So,  in  this  form  of  man  and  wife 
They  led  a  merry  punning  life. 

The  gods  from  heaven  descend  to  earth, 
Drawn  down  by  their  alluring  mirth ; 


20  THE  ORIGIN  OF  PUNNING. 

So  well  they  seem'd  to  like  the  sport, 

Jove  could  not  get  them  back  to  court. 

Th'  infernal  gods  ascend  as  well, 

Drawn  up  by  magic  puns  from  hell. 

Judges  and  furies  quit  their  post, 

And  not  a  soul  to  mind  a  ghost. 

'  Heyday  !'  says  Jove  :  says  Pluto  too, 

'  I  think  the  Devil's  here  to  do; 

Here's  hell  broke  loose,  and  heaven's  quite  empty  ; 

We  scarce  have  left  one  god  in  twenty. 

Pray  what  has  set  them  all  a-running  ?' — 

'Dear  brother,  nothing  else  but  punning. 

Behold  that  double  creature  yonder 

Delights  them  with  a  double  entendre? 

1  Odds-fish,'  says  Pluto,  '  where 's  your  thunder  ? 
Let's  drive,  and  split  this  thing  asunder !' 
*  That's  right,'  quoth  Jove  ;  with  that  he  threw 
A  bolt,  and  split  it  into 'two ; 
And  when  the  thing  was  split  in  twain, 
Why  then  it  punn'd  as  much  again. 

6  'Tis  thus  the  diamonds  we  refine, 
The  more  we  cut,  the  more  they  shine  ; 
And  ever  since  your  men  of  wit, 
Until  they're  cut,  can't  pun  a  bit. 
So  take  a  starling  when  'tis  young, 
And  down  the  middle  slit  the  tongue, 


THE  ORIGIN  OF  PUNNING. 

With  groat  or  sixpence,  'tis  no  matter, 
You'll  find  the  bird  will  doubly  chatter. 

'  Upon  the  whole,  dear  Pluto,  you  know, 
'Tis  well  I  did  not  slit  my  Juno  ! 
For,  had  I  done't,  whene'er  she'd  scold  me, 
She'd  make  the  heavens  too  hot  to  hold  me.' 
The  gods,  upon  this  application, 
Return'd  each  to  his  habitation, 
Extremely  pleas'd  with  this  new  joke  ; 
The  best,  they  swore,  he  ever  spoke. 


ARS  PUN-ICA,  SIVE  FLOS  LINGUARUM; 


ART  OF  PUNNING, 


THE  FLOWER  OF  LANGUAGES: 

IN  SEVENTY-NINE  RULES: 

FOR    THE    FURTHER    IMPROVEMENT    OF    CONVERSATION, 
AND    HELP    OF    MEMORY. 


LABOUR  AND  INDUSTRY  OF  TOM  PUN-SIBI. 


K\  ambigua  dicta  vel  argutissima  putantur ;  sed  non  semper  in 
joco,  saepe  etiam  in  gravitate  versantur.  Ingeniosi  enim  videtur, 
vim  verbi  in  aliud  atque  caeteri  accipiant,  posse  ducere." 

Cicero,  de  Oratore,  Lib.  ii.  §  61,  2. 


TO 

THE  RIGHT   HONOURABLE 

SIR   JOHN   SCRUB,   BART. 

AND  WINE-MERCHANT, 

THIS  DEDICATION  IS  HUMBLY  PRESENTED    BY  THE 
AUTHOR. 

YOUR  honour's  character  is  too  well  known  in  the 
world  to  stand  in  need  of  a  dedication ;  but  I  can 
tell  you,  that  my  fortune  is  not  so  well  settled  but 
I  stand  in  need  of  a  patron.  And  therefore,  since 
I  am  to  write  a  dedication,  I  must,  for  decency, 
proceed  in  the  usual  method. 

First,  I  then  proclaim  to  the  world  your  high 
and  illustrious  birth  :  that  you  are,  by  the  father's 
side,  descended  from  the  most  ancient  and  cele- 
brated family  of  Rome,  the  Cascas;  by  the  mo- 
ther's, from  Earl  Percy.  Some  indeed  have  been 
so  malicious  as  to  say,  your  grandmother  kilPd-hcr- 
kin:  but,  I  think  if  the  authors  of  the  report  were 
found  out,  they  ought  to  be  hampered.  I  will 
allow  that  the  world  exclaims  deservedly  against 
your  mother)  because  she  is  no. friend  to  the  bottle ; 


26  DEDICATION. 

otherwise  they  would  deserve  a. firkin,  as  having  no 
grounds  for  what  they  say.  However,  I  do  not 
think  it  can  sully  your  fine  and  bright  reputation  ; 
for  the  credit  you  gained  at  the  battle  of  Hogshed, 
against  the  Duke  of  Burgundy,  who  felt  no  sham- 
pain,  when  you  forced  him  to  sink  beneath  your 
jx)wer,  and  gave  his  whole  army  a  brush,  may  in 
time  turn  to  your  account ;  for,  to  my  knowledge, 
it  put  his  highness  upon  the  fret.  This  indeed 
was  no  less  racking  to  the  king  his  master,  who 
found  himself  gross-lee  mistaken  in  catching  a  tartar. 
For  the  whole  world  allowed,  that  you  brought  him 
a  peg  lower,  by  giving  him  the  parting-blow,  and 
making  all  his  rogues  in  buckram  to  run.  Not  to 
mention  your  great  a-gillity,  though  you  are  past 
your  prim-age ;  and  may  you  never  lack-age,  with 
a  sparkling  wit,  and  brisk  imagination  !  May  your 
honour  also  wear  long,  beyond  the  common  scant- 
ling of  human  life,  and  constantly  proceed  in  your 
musical  diversions  of  pipe  and  sack-but,  hunting 
with  tarriers,  &c.  and  may  your  good  humour  in 
saying,  "  /  am-pJior-a-bottle^  never  be  lost  to  the 
joy  of  all  them  that  drink  your  wine  for  nothing, 
4ind  especially  of, 

Your  humble  servant, 

TOM  PuN-SiBi. 


A    SPECIMEN; 
A  SPICE  I  MEAN. 


PREFACE. 

Htec  nos,  ab  imis  Pun-icorum  annalibiis 
Prolata,  longo  tempore  edidimus  tibi.  FKST. 

I've  raked  the  ashes  of  the  dead,  to  show 
Puns  were  in  vogue  five  thousand  years  ago. 

THE  great  and  singular  advantages  of  PUNNING, 
and  the  lustre  it  gives  to  conversation,  are  com- 
monly so  little  known  in  the  world,  that  scarce  one 
man  of  learning  in  fifty,  to  their  shame  be  it  spoken, 
appears  to  have  the  least  tincture  of  it  in  his  dis- 
course. This  I  can  impute  to  nothing  but  that  it 
hath  not  been  reduced  to  a  science;  and  indeed 
Cicero  seemed  long  ago  to  wish  for  it,  as  we  may 
gather  from  his  second  book  de  Oratore  *,  where 
he  has  this  remarkable  passage:  "  Suavis  autem 
est  et  vehementer  saepe  utilis  jocus  et  facetiae  cum 

*  Lib.  ii-  §  liv. 


28  PREFACE  TO  THK 

a)nbiguitate  —in  quibus  tu  longe  aliis  men  sententia, 
Caesar,  excellis :  quo  magis  mihi  etiam  testis  esse 
potes,  aut  nullam  esse  artem  salis,  aut,  si  qua  est, 
earn  nos  tu  potissimum  docebis."  "  Punning  is 
extremely  delightful, and  oftentimes  very  profitable; 
in  which,  as  far  as  I  can  judge,  Caesar,  you  excel 
all  mankind  ;  for  which  reason  you  may  inform  me, 
whether  there  be  any  art  of  Punning ;  or,  if  there 
be,  I  beseech  you,  above  all  things,  to  instruct  me 
in  it."  So  much  was  this  great  man  affected  with 
the  art,  and  such  a  noble  idea  did  he  conceive  of  it, 
that  he  gave  Caesar  the  preference  to  all  mankind, 
only  on  account  of  that  accomplishment  ! 

Let  critics  say  what  they  will,  I  will  venture  to 
affirm,  that  Punning,  of  all  arts  and  sciences,  is 
the  most  extraordinary :  for  all  others  are  circum- 
scribed by  certain  bounds  ;  but  this  alone  is  found 
to  have  no  limits,  because  to  excel  therein  requires 
a  more  extensive  knowledge  of  all  things.  A  Pun- 
ner  inust  be  a  man  of  the  greatest  natural  abilities, 
and  of  the  best  accomplishments :  his  wit  must  be 
poignant  and  fruitful,  his  understanding  clear  and 
distinct,  his  imagination  delicate  and  cheerful ;  he 
must  have  an  extraordinary  elevation  of  soul,  far 
above  all  mean  and  low  conceptions ;  and  these 
must  be  sustained  with  a  vivacity  fit  to  express  his 


ART  OF  PUNNING.  29 

ideas,  with  that  grace  and  beauty,  that  strength  and 
sweetness,  which  become  sentiments  so  truly  noble 
and  sublime. 

And  now,  lest  I  should  be  suspected  of  imposing 
upon  my  reader,  I  must  entreat  him  to  consider 
how  high  Plato  has  carried  his  sentiments  of  this 
art  (and  Plato  is  allowed  by  all  men  to  have  seen 
farther  into  Heaven  than  any  Heathen  either  before 
or  since).  Does  not  he  say  positively,  in  his  Cra- 
tylus,  "  Jocos  et  Dii  amant,""  the  gods  themselves 
love  Punning?  whicli  I  arn  apt  to  believe  from 
Homer's  a,<r@s<rrof  yeKioc,  unextinguished  laughter ; 
because  there  is  no  other  motive  could  cause  such 
continued  merriment  among  the  gods. 

As  to  the  antiquity  of  this  art,  Buxtorf  proves  it 
to  be  very  early  among  the  Chaldeans ;  which  any 
one  may  see  at  large,  who  will  read  what  he  says 
upon  the  word  rvtf  Pun,  Vocula  est  Chaldaeis  fami- 
liarissima,  &c.  "  It  is  a  word  that  is  most  fre- 
quently in  use  among  the  Chaldeans,""  who  were 
first  instructed  in  the  methods  of  punning  by  their 
magi,  and  gained  such  reputation,  that  Ptolema?us 
Philo-punnaeus  sent  for  six  of  those  learned  priests, 
to  propagate  their  doctrine  of  puns  in  six  of  his 
principal  cities ;  which  they  did  with  such  success, 
that  his  majesty  ordered,  by  public  edict,  to  have  a 


30  PREFACE  TO  THE 

full  collection  of  all  the  puns  made  within  his  do- 
minions for  three  years  past  ;  and  this  collection 
filled  one  large  apartment  of  his  library,  having 
this  following  remarkable  inscription  over  the  door  : 


"  The  shop  of  the  souPs  physic  *." 

Some  authors,  but  upon  what  ground  it  is  un- 
certain, will  have  Pan,  who  in  the  ^Eolic  dialect  is 
called  Pun,  to  be  the  author  of  Puns,  because,  they 
say,  Pan  being  the  god  of  universal  nature,  and 
Punning  free  of  all  languages,  it  is  highly  probable 
that  it  owes  its  first  origin,  as  well  as  name,  to  this 
god  :  others  again  attribute  it  to  Janus,  and  for 
this  reason  —  Janus  had  two  faces  ;  and  of  conse- 
quence they  conjectured  every  word  he  spoke  had 
a  double  meaning.  But,  however,  I  give  little 
credit  to  these  opinions,  which  I  am  apt  to  believe 
were  broached  in  the  dark  and  fabulous  ages  of  the 
world;  for  I  doubt,  before  the  first  Olympiad, 
there  can  be  no  great  dependence  upon  profane 
history. 

*  Vide  Joseph.  Bengor.  Chronic,  in  Edit.  Georg.  Horae- 
didse.  Seriem  Godoliae  Tradit.  Hebraic.  Corpus  Paradoseon 
Titulo  Megill.  c.  i.  §  8.  Chronic.  Samarit.  Abulphetachi. 
Megillat.  Taanit. 


ART  OF  PUNNING.  31 

I  am  much  more  inclined  to  give  credit  to  Bux- 
torf ;  nor  is  it  improbable  that  Pythagoras,  who 
spent  twenty-eight  years  at  Egypt  in  his  studies, 
brought  this  art,  together  with  some  arcana  of  phi- 
losophy, into  Greece  ;  the  reason  for  which  might 
be,  that  philosophy  and  punning  were  a  mutual 
assistance  to  each  other :  "  For,"  says  he,  *<  puns 
are  like  so  many  torch-lights  in  the  head,  that  give 
the  soul  a  very  distinct  view  of  those  images,  which 
she  before  seemed  to  grope  after  as  if  she  had  been 
imprisoned  in  a  dungeon.'1  From  whence  he  looked 
upon  puns  to  be  so  sacred,  and  had  such  a  regard 
to  them,  that  he  left  a  precept  to  his  disciples,  for- 
bidding them  to  eat  beans,  because  they  were  called 
in  Greek  ituwoi.  "  Let  not,11  says  he,  "  one  grain 
of  the  seeds  be  lost ;  but  preserve  and  scatter  them 
over  all  Greece,  that  both  our  gardens  and  our 
fields  may  flourish  with  a  vegetable,  which,  on  ac- 
count of  its  name,  not  only  brings  an  honour  to  our 
country,  but,  as  it  disperses  its  effluvia  in  the  air, 
may  also,  by  a  secret  impulse,  prepare  the  soul  for 
punning,  which  I  esteem  the  first  and  great  felicity 
of  life.11 

This  art  being  so  very  well  recommended  by  so 

.  great   a  man,   it  was   not  long  before  it  spread 

through  all  Greece,  and  at  last  was  looked  upon  to 


32  PREFACE  TO  THE 

be  such  a  necessary  accomplishment,  that  no  person 
was  admitted  to  a  feast  who  was  not  first  examined, 
and  if  he  were  found  ignorant  of  punning,  he  was 
dismissed  with  'Exa$  ere,  feZyhot,  "  Hence,  ye  pro- 
fane !" 

If  any  one  doubts  the  truth  of  what  I  say,  let 
him  consult  the  apophthegms  of  Plutarch,  who, 
after  he  had  passed  several  encomiums  upon  this 
art,  gives  some  account  of  persons  eminent  in  it ; 
among  which  (to  shorten  my  preface)  I  choose  one 
of  the  most  illustrious  examples,  and  will  entertain 
the  courteous  reader  with  the  following  story : 
"  King  Philip  had  his  collar-bone  broken  in  a 
battle  ;  and  his  physician  expecting  money  of  him 
every  visit,  the  king  reproved  him  with  a  pun, 
saying  he  had  the  key  in  his  own  hands.11  For  the 
word  xAf£/;,  in  the  original,  signifies  both  a  key  and 
a  collar-bone  *. 

We  have  also  several  puns  recorded  in  Diogenes 
Laertius1s  "  Lives  of  the  Philosophers  ;"  and  those 
made  by  the  wisest  and  gravest  men  among  them, 
even  by  Diogenes  the  cynick,  who,  although  pre- 
tending to  withstand  the  irresistible  charms  of  pun- 
ning, was  cursed  with  the  name  of  an  abhorrer 

*  Vide  Plut.  Apophth.  p.  177. 


ART  OF  PUNNING.  33 

Yet,  in  spite  of  all  his  ill-nature  and  affectation  (for 
he  was  a  tub-preacher),  he  made  so  excellent  a  pun, 
that  Scaliger  said,  "  He  would  rather  have  been 

O  * 

author  of  it,  than  king  of  Navarre."  The  story  is 
as  follows :  Didymus  (not  Didymus  the  commen- 
tator upon  Homer,  but  a  famous  rake  among  the 
ladies  at  Athens)  having  taken  in  hand  to  cure  a 
virgin's  eye  that  was  sore,  had  this  caution  given 
him  by  Diogenes,  "  Take  care  you  do  not  corrupt 
your  pupil."  The  word  xo'^a  signifies  both  the 
pupil  of  the  eye  and  a  virgin  *. 

It  would  be  endless  to  produce  all  the  authorities 
that  might  be  gathered,  from  Diodorus  Siculus, 
Herodotus,  Proconosius,  Bergaeus,  Dionysius  Hali- 
carnassensis,  Lycophron,  Pindar,  Apollonius,  Me- 
nander,  Aristophanes,  Corinthus  Cous,  Nonnus, 
Demosthenes,  Euripides,  Thucydides,  Plato,  Aris- 
totle, &c. ;  from  every  one  of  which  I  should  have 
produced  some  quotations,  were  it  not  that  we  are 
so  unfortunate  in  this  kingdom  not  to  have  Greek 
types  sufficient  for  such  an  undertaking  -f- :  for 

*  See  Laertius. 

t  Though  it  is  no  uncommon  thing  for  a  country  printer 
to  be  without  Greek  types,  this  could  scarcely  be  a  serious 
complaint  at  Dublin  in  1719. 


34  PREFACE  TO  THE 

want  of  which,  I  have  been  put  to  the  necessity,  in 
the  word  xopa,  of  writing  an  alpha  for  an  eta. 

However,  I  believe  it  will  not  be  amiss  to  bring 
some  few  testimonies,  to  show  in  what  great  esteem 
the  art  of  punning  was  among  the  most  refined  wits 
at  Rome,  and  that  in  the  most  polite  ages,  as  will 
appear  from  the  following  quotations. 

Quinctilian  says  *, "  Urbanitas  est  virtus  quaedam, 
in  breve  dictum,  verum  sensu  duplici,  coacta,  et 
apta  ad  delectandos  homines,"  &c.  Thus  trans- 
lated, "  Punning  is  a  virtue,  comprised  in  a  short 
expression,  with  a  double  meaning,  and  fitted  to  de- 
light the  ladies." 

Lucretius  also, 

Quo  magis  sternum  da  dictis,  Diva,  leporem. 
"  Goddess,  eternal  puns  on  me  bestow." 

And  elsewhere, 

Omnia  enim  lepidi  magis  admirantur,  amantque 
Germanis  quae  sub  verbis  latitantia  cernunt : 
Verbaque  constituunt  simili  fucata  sonore, 
Nee  simili  sensu,  sed  quse  mentita  placerent. 

"  All  men  of  mirth  and  sense  admire  and  love 
Those  words  which  like  twin-brothers  doubtful  prove , 

*  Institut.  Orator,  lib.  vi.  p.  265. 


ART  OF  PUNNING.  35 

When  the  same  sounds  a  different  sense  disguise, 
In  being  deceived  the  greatest  pleasure  lies." 

Thus  Claudian  :  :  n.fi 

Vocibus  alternant  sensus,  fraudisque  .jocosse, 
Vim  duplicem  rident,  lacrymosaque  gaudia  miscent. 

"  From  word  to  word  th'  ambiguous  sense  is  play'd ; 
Laughing  succeeds,  and  joyful  tears  are  shed." 

And  Martial : 

Sit  mihi,  China,  conies,  salibus  dictisque  facctus, 
Qui  sapit  ambiguos  fundere  ab  ore  sonos. 

"  Cinna,  give  me  the  man,  when  all  is  done, 
That  wisely  knows  to  crack  a  jest  and  pun." 

Petronius  likewise  will  tell  you, 

Dicta,  sales,  risus,  urbana  crepundia  vocum, 
Ingenii  facilis  qua;  documenta  dabunt. 

"  Jokes,  repartees,  and  laugh,  and  pun  polite, 
Are  the  true  test  to  prove  a  man  is  right." 

And  Lucan : 

Illi  egt  imperium  risus,  qui  fraude  leporis 
Ambigua  fallens,  humeros  quatit  usque  solutis 
Nexibus,  ac  tremuli  trepidant  curvamina  dorsi, 
Et  jecur,  et  cordis  fibras,  et  pandit  anhelas 
Pulmonis  late-bras — 

"  He's  king  of  mirth,  that  slightly  cheats  our  sense 
With  pun  ambiguous,  pleasing  in  suspense ; 
The  shoulders  lax  become,  the  bending  back 
Upheaved  with  laughter,  makes  our  ribs  to  crack ; 
E'en  to  the  liver  he  can  joys  impart, 
And  play  upon  the  fibres  of  the  heart ; 

D2 


36  PREFACE  TO  THE 

Open  the  chambers  of  longues  *,  and  there 
Give  longer  life  in  laughing,  than  in  air." 

But  to  come  nearer  home,  and  our  own  times ; 
we  know  that  France,  in  the  late  reign,  was  the 
seat  of  learning  and  policy  ;  and  what  made  it  so, 
but  the  great  encouragement  the  king  gave  punners 
above  any  other  men :  for  it  is  too  notorious,  to 
quote  any  author  for  it,  that  Lewis  le  Grand  gave 
a  hundred  pistoles  for  one  single  pun-motto,  made 
upon  an  abbot,  who  died  in  a  field,  having  a  lily 
growing  out  of  his  a —  : 

"  Habe  mortem  prae  oculis. 
Abbe  mort  en  prez  au  culiz." 

Nor  was  his  bounty  less  to  Monsieur  de  Ferry 
de  Lageltre  the  painter  (though  the  pun  and  the 
picture  turned  against  himself),  who  drew  his  ma- 
jesty shooting,  and  at  some  distance  from  him  an- 
other man  aiming  at  the  same  fowl,  who  was  with- 
held by  a  third  person,  pointing  at  the  king,  with 
these  words  from  his  mouth, 

"  Ne  voyez  vous  le  Roy  tirant  ?" 

Having  now,  from  the  best  authorities,  plainly 
proved  the  antiquity  and  excellence  of  the  art  of 

*  Potius  lungs,  as  a  Dutch  commentator  would  observe. 


ART  OF  TUNNING.  37 

punning,  nothing  remains  but  to  give  some  general 
directions  as  to  the  manner  how  this  science  is  to 
be  taught. 

1.  Let  the  husband  teach  his  wife  to  read  it. 

2.  Let  her  be  appointed  to  teach  her  children. 

3.  Let  the  head  servant  of  the  family  instruct  all 
the  rest,  and  that  every  morning  before  the  master 
and  mistress  are  up. 

4.  The  masters  and  misses  are  to  repeat  a  rule 
every  day,  with  the  examples ;  and  every  visiting- 
day  be  brought  up,  to  show  the  company  what  fine 
memories  they  have. 

5.  They  must  go  ten  times  through  the  book, 
before  they  be  allowed  to  aim  at  a  pun. 

6.  They  must  every  day  of  their  lives  repeat 
six  synonymous  words,  or  words  like  in  sound, 
before  they  be  allowed  to  sit  down  to  dinner, — 
such  as 


Assent,     Ascent. 
A  Lass,   Alas. 
Bark,        Barque. 


Alter,        Altar. 
A  Peer,     Appear. 
Barbery,   Barberrie. 


They  are  all  to  be  found  in  metre,  most  labo- 
riously compiled  by  the  learned  author  of  "  The 
English  School-master,"  printed  anno  1641,  London 
edit.  p.  52. 


38  PREFACE  TO  THE 

7.  If  any  eldest  son  has  not  a  capacity  to  attain 
to  this  science,  let  him  be  disinherited  as  non- 
compos,  and  the  estate  given  to  the  next  hopeful 
child. 

Si  quid  novisti  rectius  istis, 

Candidas  imperti :  si  non,  his  utere  mecum  *. 

"  If  any  man  can  better  rules  impart, 

I'll  give  him  leave  to  do't  with  all  my  heart!" 


PARAGRAPH  OF  THE  FIRST  PREFACE 
THAT  WAS  OMITTED, 

WHICH  THE   READER  (ACCORDING  TO  HIS  JUDGMENT   OR 
DISCRETION)  MAY  INSERT  WHERE  HE  PLEASES. 

THERE  is  a  remarkable  passage  in  Petronius 
Arbiter,  which  plainly  proves,  by  a  royal  example, 
that  punning  was  a  necessary  ingredient  to  make  an 
entertainment  agreeable.  The  words  are  these : 
"  Ingerebat  nihilominus  Trimalchio  lentissima  voce, 
Carpe.  Ego,  suspicatus  ad  aliquam  urbanitatem 

*  Hor.  Ep.  I.  i.  67. 


ART  OF  PUNNING.  3U 

toties  iteratam  vocem  pertinere,  non  erubui  cum 
qui  supra  me  accumbebat  hoc  ipsum  interrogare. 
At  ille  qui  saepius  ejusmodi  ludos  spectaverat, 
Vides,  inquit,  ilium  qui  obsonium  carpit,  Carpus 
vocatur.  Itaque  quotiescunque  dicit  Carpe,  eodem 
verbo  et  vocat  et  imperat."  And  it  is  further  re- 
markable, that  every  day  of  his  life  he  made  the 
same  pun  at  dinner  and  supper. 


A  SECOND  PREFACE. 

LEST  my  modesty  should  be  called  in  question, 
for  venturing  to  appear  in  print,  in  an  age  so  fa- 
mous for  politeness  and  ingenuity,  I  think  I  am 
bound  to  say  this  in  my  own  defence,  that  these 
few  sheets  were  not  designed  to  be  made  public,  as 
being  written  for  my  own  private  use:  but  what 
will  not  the  importunity  of  friends  conquer  ?  they 
were  no  sooner  discovered  in  my  study,  but  my 
merry  friend  George  Rochfort,  my  learned  ac- 
quaintance Patrick  Delany,  and  my  much  honoured 
patron  Jonathan  Swift,  all  unanimously  agreed, 
that  I  should  do  my  own  reputation  and  the  world 
that  justice,  as  to  send  "  such  a  treasure  of  know- 
ledge" (as  they  were  pleased  to  express  themselves) 
to  the  press.  As  for  the  work  itself,  I  may  ven- 
ture to  say,  it  is  a  work  of  time  and  experience,  and 
entirely  unattempted  before.  For  which  reason,  I 
hope  the  candid  reader  will  be  favourable  in  his 
judgment  upon  it,  and  consider  that  all  sciences  in 


A  SECOND  PREFACE.  41 

their  infancy  have  been  weak  and  feeble.  The 
next  age  may  supply  where  I  have  been  defective  ; 
and  the  next  perhaps  may  produce  a  Sir  Isaac  in 
punning.  We  know  that  logicians  first  spun  out 
reason  in  categories,  predicaments,  and  enunciations ; 
and  at  last  they  came  to  wind  up  their  bottoms 
in  syllogisms,  which  is  the  completing  of  that 
science. 

The  Chaldeans  began  the  mathematics,  in  which 
the  Egyptians  flourished.  Then  these,  crossing  the 
sea  by  the  means  of  Thales  the  Milesian,  came  into 
Greece,  where  they  were  improved  very  much  by 
Pythagoras,  Anaxagoras,  and  OEnopides  of  Chios. 
These  were  followed  by  Briso,  Antipho,  Hippo- 
crates, &c.  But  the  excellence  of  the  algebraic  art 
was  begun  by  Geber,  an  Arabian  astronomer  (whence 
as  is  conceived  the  word  algebra  took  its  rise),  and 
was  much  since  improved  by  Cardanus,  Tartaglia, 
Clavius,  Stevinus,  Ghetaldus,  Herigenius,  Fran. 
Van  Schooten,  Florida  de  Beaune,  &c. 

But  to  return  to  the  Art  of  Punning  again  ;  the 
progress  and  improvement  of  which,  I  hope,  will  be 
equal  to  the  sciences  I  have  mentioned  ;  or  to  any 
superior  to  them,  if  there  be  such  :  reader,  I  must 
trespass  a  little  longer  on  your  patience,  and  tell 
you  an  old  maxim,  Bonum  quo  communius^  eo  me- 


42  A  SECOND  PEEFACE. 

lius,  "  Good,  the  more  common,  the  better  it  is."" 
You  see,  I  have  in  imitation  of  the  industrious  bee 
gathered  my  honey  from  various  flowers ;  but  yet 
I  cannot  say,  without  some  diminution  and  loss  to 
the  persons  from  whom  I  have  taken  the  examples 
to  my  rules,  who  are  likely  never  to  use  their  puns 
again. 

And  here  to  avoid  the  imputation  of  ingratitude, 
I  must  declare  to  the  world,  that  my  worthy  friend 

Dr.  R ,  who  is  singularly  remarkable  for  his 

unparalleled  skill  in  punning,  and  a  most  indus- 
trious promoter  of  it,  has  been  a  very  great  instru- 
ment in  bringing  this  work  to  light,  as  well  by  ani- 
mating me  to  proceed  in  it,  as  by  endeavouring  to 
procure  a  good  letter  for  the  impression. 

The  favourable  acceptance  that  my  puns  have 
met  with  in  some  private  companies,  makes  me 
flatter  myself,  that  my  labours  therein  will  be  can- 
didly accepted,  as  they  have  been  cordially  intended 
to  serve  my  native  country. 

TOM  PUN-SIBI. 

From  my  Study,  up  one  Pair  of 
Stairs,  ill-contrived  Street- 
wards,  August  Sib,,  1719- 


THE 

ART  OF  PUNNING. 


"  PUNNATA  dicuntur,  id  ipsum,  quod  sunt,  alio- 
rum  esse  dicuntur,  aut  alio  quovis  modo  ad  aliud 
referuntur." 

Puns,  in  their  very  nature  and  constitution,  have 
a  relation  to  something  else  ;  or,  if  they  have  not, 
any  other  reason  why  will  serve  as  well. 

The  Physical  Definition  of  Punning,  according  to 
Cardan. 

Punning  is  an  art  of  harmonious  jingling  upon 
words,  which,  passing  in  at  the  ears,  and  falling 
upon  the  diaphragma,  excites  a  titillary  motion  in 
those  parts  ;  and  this  being  conveyed  by  the  animal 
spirits  into  the  muscles  of  the  face,  raises  the  cockles 
of  the  heart. 

The  Moral  Definition  of  Punning. 
Punning  is  a  virtue  that  most  effectually  pro- 
motes the  end  of  good  fellowship,  which  is  laughing. 


44  ART  OF  PUNNING. 

N.  B.  I  design  to  make  the  most  celebrated 
punners  in  these  kingdoms  examples  to  the  following 
rules. 

RULE  1 .  The  capital  Rule.  He  that  puns,  must 
have  a  head  for  it ;  that  is,  he  must  be  a  man  of 
letters,  of  a  sprightly  and  fine  imagination,  what- 
ever men  may  think  of  his  judgment ;  like  Dr. 
Swift  *,  who  said,  when  a  lady  threw  down  a  cre- 
mona-fiddle  with  a  frisk  of  her  mantua, 

"  Mantua  vae  miserse  nimium  vicina  Cremonse !" 

Or  if  you  would  have  a  more  obvious  reason,  St. 
Dennis  never  made  a  pun  after  his  head  was  cut  off. 
Vid.  Popish  Legend,  torn.  Ixxviii.  p.  15,000.  ' 

R.  2.  The  rule  of  Forehead.  He  must  have 

good  assurance,  like  my  Lord  B ,  who  puns  in 

all  companies. 

R.  3.  The  Brazen  Rule.  He  must  have  better 

assurance,  like  Brigadier  C ,  who  said,  '  That, 

as  he  was  passing  through  a  street,  he  made  to  a 
country  fellow  who  had  a  hare  swinging  on  a  stick 
over  his  shoulder,  and,  giving  it  a  shake,  asked  him 
whether  it  was  his  own  hair,  or  a  perriwig  ?'  whereas 
it  is  a  notorious  Oxford  jest. 

*  In  the  early  editions  of  the  tract,  this  admirable  pun  is 
ascribed  to  Dr.  Delany. 


ART  OF  PUNNING.  45 

1 

R.  4.  The  Rule  of  Impudence.  He  must 
have  the  best  assurance,  like  Dr.  D— — ,  who, 
although  I  had  in  three  fair  combats  worsted  him, 
yet  had  the  impudence  to  challenge  me  a  fourth 
time. 

R.  5.  Any  person  may  pun  upon  another  man^s 
puns  about  half  an  hour  after  he  has  made  them  ; 
as  Dr.  E and  Mr.  F  frequently  do. 

I  remember  one  day  I  was  in  company  with 

them,  and  upon  Major  G saying,  l  That  he 

would  leave  me  the  gout  for  a  legacy,1  I  made  an- 
swer, and  told  the  company,  *  I  should  be  sorry  to 
have  such  a  leg  as  he."*  They  both  snapped  it  up 
in  their  turns,  and  had  as  much  applause  for  the 
pun  as  I  had. 

R.  6.  The  Rule  of  Pun  upon  Pun.  All  pans 
made  upon  the  word  pun  are  to  be  esteemed  as  so 
much  old  gold.  Ex.  gr.  suppose  two  famous 
punsters  should  contend  for  the  superiority,  and  a 
man  should  wittily  say,  <  That  is  a  Carthaginian 
war:' 

Q.  How,  sir  ? 

A.  Why,  sir,  it  is  a  Pun~ick  war. 

R.  7.  The  Socratic  Rule  is,  to  instruct  others  by 
way  of  question  and  answer. 

Q.  Who  was  the  first  drawer  ? 


46  ART  OF  PUNNINCf. 

A.  Potiphar. 

Q.  Which  is  the  seat  of  the  spleen  ? 

A.  The  hips. 

Q.  Who  were  the  first  bakers  ? 

A.  The  Crustumenians.  (Masters  of  the  Rolls, 
quoth  Capt.  Wolseley). 

Q.  Where  did  the  first  hermaphrodites  come 
from? 

A.  Middle-sex. 

Q.  What  part  of  England  has  the  most  dogs  ? 

A.  Baric-shire. 

Q.  From  whence  come  the  first  tumblers  ? 

A.  From  Somerset. 

Q.  Who  were  the  first  mortgagers  of  land? 

A.  The  people  of  Cumber-land. 

Q.  What  men  in  the  world  are  the  best  soldiers  ? 

A.  Your  red-haired  men,  because  they  always 
carry  their  jire-locks  upon  their  shoulders. 

Q.  Why  should  a  man  in  debt  be  called  a 
diver  ? 

A.  Because  he  has  dipped  over  head  and  ears. 

Q.  Why  are  ladies  of  late  years  well  qualified 
for  hunting  ? 

A.  Because  they  come  with  a  hoop  and  a  hollow. 

Q.  Why  are  the  Presbyterians,  Independents, 
&c.  said  to  be  vermin  ? 


ART  OF  PUNNING.  47 

A.  Because  they  are  in-sects. 

Q.  Where  were  the  first  breeches  made  ? 

A    At  Thy-atira. 

Q.  Who  were  the  first  gold-finders  ? 

A.  The  Turditani. 

Q.  What  part  of  the  world  is  best  to  feed  dogs 
in? 

A.  Lap-land. 

Q.  What  prince  in  the  world  should  have  a  boar 
for  his  arms  ? 

A.  The  duke  of  Tusk-any. 

Q.  Where  do  the  best  corn-cutters  live  ? 

A.  At  Leg-horn. 

Q.  Why  are  horses  with  grease  in  their  heels  the 
best  racers  ? 

A.  Because  their  heels  are  given  to  running. 

Q.  What  is  the  reason  that  rats  and  mice  are  so 
much  afraid  of  base  violins  and  fiddles  ? 

A.  Because  they  are  strung  with  cat-gut. 

Q.  If  a  lawyer  is  a  whig,  and  pretends  to  be 
a  tory,  or  vice  versa,  why  should  his  gown  be 
stripped  off? 

A.  Because  he  is  guilty  of  sham-party. 

Q.  How  many  animals  are  concerned  in  the  for- 
mation of  the  English  tongue  ? 


48  AKT  OF  PUNNING. 

A.  According  to  Buck-anan,  a  great  number ; 
viz.  cat-egorical,  dog-medical,  crow-nological,  Jlea- 
botomy,  fah-ognomy,  squirril-ity,  rat-ification, 
mouse-olceum,  pus-illanimity,  hare-editary ,  ass-tro- 
nomy,jay-ography,  stag-yrite,  duck-tllity. 

Q.  Where  were  the  first  hams  made? 

A.  They  were  made  in  the  temple  of  Jupiter 
Hammon,  by  the  Hamadryades ;  one  of  them  (if 
we  may  depend  upon  Baker's  Chronicle)  was  sent  as 
a  present  to  a  gentleman  in  Ham-sJiire,  of  the  fa- 
mily of  the  Ham-Utons,  who  immediately  sent  it  to 
Ham-ton-court,  where  it  was  hung  up  by  a  string 
in  the  hall,  by  way  of  rarity,  whence  we  have  the 
English  phrase  ham-strung. 

Thus  did  great  Socrates  improve  the  mind, 
By  questions  useful  since  to  all  mankind ; 
For,  when  the  purblind  soul  no  farther  saw, 
Than  length  of  nose,  into  dark  Nature's  law, 
His  method  clear'd  up  all,  enlarged  the  sight, 
And  so  he  taught  his  pupils  with  day-light. 

R.  8.  The  Rule  of  Interruption.  Although  the 
company  be  engaged  in  a  discourse  of  the  most 
serious  consequence,  it  is  and  may  be  lawful  to  in- 
terrupt them  with  a  pun.  Ex.  gr.  suppose  them 
poring  over  a  problem  in  mathematics,  you  may, 
without  offence,  ask  them  '  How  go  squares  with 


AttT  OF  PUNNING.  49 

them  r"  You  may  say  too,  '  That,  being  too  intent 
upon  those  figures,  they  are  become  cycloeid,  i.  e. 
sickly-eyed;  for  which  they  are  a  pack  of  loga- 
rithms, i.  e.  loggerheads?  Vide  R.  34. 

R.  9.  The  Rule  of  Risibility.  A  man  must  be 
the  first  that  laughs  at  his  own  pun  ;  as  Martial 
advises : 

"  Qui  studet  alterius  risum  capture  lepore, 
Imprimis  rictum  contrahat  ipse  suum" 

"  He  that  would  move  another  man  to  laughter, 
Must  first  begin,  and  t'other  soon  comes  after." 

R.  10.  The  Rule  of  Retaliation  obliges  you,  if 
a  man  makes  fifty  puns,  to  return  all,  or  the  most 
of  them,  in  the  same  kind.  As  for  instance :  Sir 

W sent  me  a  catalogue  of  Mrs.  Prudence's 

scholars,  and  desired  my  advice  as  to  the  manage- 
ment of  them : 

Miss-Chief,  the  ringleader. 

Miss-Advice,  that  spoils  her  face  with  paint. 

Miss-Rule,  that  does  every  thing  she  is  forbid. 

Miss- Application,  who  has  not  done  one  letter  in 
her  sampler. 

Miss-Belief,  who  cannot  say  the  Creed  yet. 

Miss-Call,  a  perfect  Billingsgate. 


50  ART  OF  PUNNING. 

Miss-Fortune,  that  lost  her  grandmother's 
needle. 

Miss-Chance,  that  broke  her  leg  by  romping. 

Miss-Guide,  that  led  the  young  misses  into  the 
dirt. 

Miss-Lay'd,  who  left  her  porringer  of  flour  and 
milk  where  the  cat  got  at  it. 

Miss-Management,  that  let  all  her  stockings  run 
out  at  heels  for  want  of  darning. 

For  which  I  sent  the  following  masters : 

Master-Stroke,  to  whip  them. 

Master- Workman,  to  dress  them. 

Master-Ship,  to  rig  them. 

Master-Lye,  to  excuse  them. 

Master- Wort,  to  purge  them. 

Master- Piece,  to  patch  them. 

Master-Key,  to  lock  them  up. 

Master-Pock,  to  mortify  them. 

If  these  can't  keep  your  ladies  quiet, 
Pull  down  their  courage  with  low  diet. 
Perhaps,  dear  sir,  you'll  think  it  cruel 
To  feed  them  on  plain  water-gruel  ; 
But  take  my  word,  the  best  of  breeding  \ 
As  it  is  plain,  requires  plain  feeding. 

Fide  Roscommon. 


ART  OF  PUNNING.  51 

R.  11.  The  Rule  of  Repetition :  You  must 
never  let  a  pun  be  lost,  but  repeat  and  comment 
upon  it  till  every  one  in  the  company  both  hears 
and  understands  it ;  ex.  gr.  Sir,  I  have  good  wine 
to  give  you ;  excellent  pontack,  which  I  got  "*pon 
tick ;  but,  sir,  we  must  have  a  little  pun-talk  over 
it ;  you  take  me,  sir,  and  you,  and  you  too,  madam. 
— There  is  pun-talk  upon  pontacfc,  and  ^pon  tick 
too,  hey. 

R.  12.  The  Elementary  Rule.  Keep  to  your 
elements,  whether  you  have  Jish,fowl9  or  Jlesh,  for 
dinner :  As  for  instance,  Is  not  tliisjish  which  Mr. 
Pool  sent  me,  ex-stream  sweet  ?  I  think  it  is  main 
good,  what  say  you  ?  O1  my  sole.,  I  never  tasted 
better,  and  I  think  it  ought  to  take  plaice  of  any 
that  swims :  though  you  may  carp  at  me  for  saying 
so,  I  can  assure  you  that  both  Dr.  Spi'att  and  Dr. 
WJialey  are  of  my  mind. — This  is  an  excellent 
fowl,  and  a  fit  dish  for  liigh-jlyers.  Pray,  sir, 
what  is  your  o-pinion  of  this  wing"  '$  As  for  the 
leg,  the  cook  ought  to  be  clapper-clawed  for  not 
roasting  it  enough.  But,  now  I  think  of  it,  why 
should  this  be  called  the  bird  of  Bacchus?  A. 
Because  it  was  dressed  by  your  drunken  cook.  Not 
at  all.  You  mistake  the  matter.  Pray  is  it  not  a 
grape-lover;  i.  e.  grey  plover^  Are  you  for  any 


52  ART  OF  FUNKING. 

of  this  mutton,  sir  ?  If  not,  I  can  tell  you,  that 
you  ought  to  be  lamb-asted;  for  you  must  know 
that  I  have  the  best  in  the  country.  My  sheep 
bear  away  the  bell,  and  I  can  assure  you  that,  all 
weathers,  I  can  treat  my  friends  with  as  good 
mutton  as  this :  he  that  cannot  make  a  meal  of  it, 
ought  to  have  it  ram-med  down  his  throat. 

R.  13.  The  Rule  of  Retrospection.  By  this 
you  may  recal  a  discourse  that  has  been  past  two 
hours,  and  introduce  it  thus:  *  Sir,  as  you  were 
saying  two  hours  ago — you  bought  those  stockings 
in  Wales ;  I  believe  it,  for  they  seem  to  be  'well- 
chose,  i.  e.  Welsh-hose.'' — '  Sir,  you  were  saying,  if 
I  mistake  not,  an  hour  or  two  ago,  that  soldiers 
have  the  speediest  justice.  I  agree  with  you  in 
that ;  for  they  are  never  without  red-dress? 

R.  14.  The  Rule  of  Transition ;  which  will  serve 
to  introduce  any  thing  that  has  the  most  remote 
relation  to  the  subject  you  are  upon  ;  ex.  gr.  If  a 
man  puns  upon  a  stable,  you  may  pun  upon  a  corn- 
Jield,  a  meadow,  a  liorse-park,  a  smith's  or  Sadler's 
shop ;  ex.  gr.  One  says,  '  His  horses  are  gone  to 
rackC  Then  you  answer,  '  I  would  turn  out  the 
rascal  that  looks  after  them.  Hay,  sir,  don't  you 
think  I  am  right  ?  I  would  strike  while  the  iron  is 
hot;  and  pummel  the  dog  to  some  purpose.1 


ART  OF  PUNNING.  53 

R.  15.  The  Rule  of  Alienation;  which  obliges 
you,  when  people  are  disputing  hotly  upon  a  sub- 
ject, to  pitch  upon  that  word  which  gives  the 
greatest  disturbance,  and  make  a  pun  upon  it. 
This  has  not  only  occasioned  peace  in  private  com- 
panies, but  has  put  a  stop  to  hot  wranglings  in 
parliaments  and  convocations,  which  otherwise 
would  not  so  soon  come  to  a  resolution:  for,  as 
Horace  says,  Ridiculum  acri,  &c. ;  and  very  often  it 

is  found  so.  Sir once,  in  parliament, 

brought  in  a  bill  which  wanted  some  amendment ; 
which  being  denied  him  by  the  house,  he  frequently 
repeated,  '  That  he  thirsted  to  mend  his  bill.' 
Upon  which,  a  worthy  member  got  up,  and  said, 
'  Mr.  Speaker,  I  humbly  move,  since  that  member 
thirsts  so  very  much,  that  he  may  be  allowed  to 
mend  his  draught?  This  put  the  house  into  such 
a  good  humour,  that  his  petition  was  granted. 

R.  16.  The  Rule  of  Analogy  is,  when  two  persons 
pun  upon  different  subjects,  after  the  same  manner. 
Ay,  says  one,  '  I  went  to  my  shoe-maker's  to-day 
for  a  pair  of  shoes  which  I  bespoke  a  month  ago ; 
and  when  all  came  to  aZ/,  the  dog  bristles  up  to  me 
with  a  thousand  excuses,  that  I  thought  there 
would  never  be  an  end  of  his  discourse :  but,  upon 
my  calling  him  a  rascal,  he  began  to  wax  warm, 


54  ART  OF  PUNNING. 

and  had  the  impudence  to  bid  me  to  vamp  oft',  for 
he  had  not  leisure  now  to  talk  to  me,  because  he 
was  going  to  dinner  :  which  vexed  me  indeed  to  the 
very  sole.  Upon  this  I  jumped  out  of  his  shop  in 
a  great  rage,  and  wished  the  next  bit  he  eat  might 
be  his  last?  Says  another,  '  I  went  to  a  tanner's 
that  owed  me  some  money ;  and  (would  you  think 
it  ?)  the  pitiful  fellow  was  fleshed  at  it,  insomuch 
that  forsooth  he  could  not  hide  his  resentment,  but 
told  me,  that  it  was  enough  to  set  a  man  horn  mad 
to  be  dunned  so  early  in  a  morning :  and,  as  for 
his  part,  he  would  curry  favour  no  longer  with  me, 
let  me  do  my  worst.  Thus  the  unmannerly  cur 
barked  at  me,  &c.' 

R.  17.  The  Sophistical  Rule  is,  fixing  upon  a 
man's  saying  which  he  never  spoke,  and  making 
a  pun  upon  it,  as,  '  Ay,  sir,  since  you  say  he  was 
born  in  Bark-shire,  I  say  he  is  a  son  of  a  bitch.'' 

R.  18.  The  Rule  of  Train,  is  a  method  of  in- 
troducing puns  which  we  have  studied  before; 
e.v.  gr.  By  talking  of  Truelock  the  gun- smith,  his 
very  name  will  provoke  some  person  in  the  company 
to  pun.  Then  you  proceed:  *  Sir,  /  smell  powder, 
but  you  are  plaguy  weak  in  your  mainspring  for 
punning ;  I  would  advise  you  to  get  a  better  stock, 
before  you  pretend  to  let  off:  though  you  may 


AHT  OF  PUNNING.  55 

think  yourself  prime  in  this  art,  you  are  much 
mistaken,  for  a  very  young  beginner  may  be  a 
match  for  you.  Ay,  sir,  you  may  cock  and  look 
big;  but,  u-pan  my  word,  I  take  you  to  be  no 
more  than  ajiash;  and  Mrs.  Skin-flint,  my  neigh- 
bour, shall  pun  with  you  for  a  pistole,  if  I  do  not 
lose  my  aim,  &c.' 

R.  19.  The  Rule  of  Challenge.  As  for  instance, 
when  you  have  conned  over  in  your  mind  a  chain 
of  puns,  you  surprise  the  best  punner  in  company, 
after  this  manner :  (  Say  Tan-pit,  if  you  dare.' 

R.  20.  The  Sanguine  Rule  allows  you  to  swear 
a  man  out  of  his  pun,  and  prove  yourself  the  author 
of  it ;  as  Dr.  S —  served  Capt.  W — ,  who  was  told 
how  a  slater,  working  at  his  house,  fell  through  all 
the  rafters  from  top  to  bottom,  and  that  upon  this 
accident  he  said,  'He  loved  to  see  a  man  go 
cleverly  through  his  work."1  <  That  is  mine,  by 
,'  said  the  Doctor. 

R.  21.  The  Rule  of  Concatenation  is  making 
a  string  of  puns  as  fast  as  you  can,  that  nobody 
else  can  put  in  a  word  till  you  have  exhausted  the 
subject ;  ex.  gr.  There  was  one  John  Appleby, 
a  gardener,  fell  in  love  with  one  Mrs.  Curran,  for 
her  jherrycheelcs  and  her  lily  white  hand ;  and 
soon  after  he  got  her  consent  to  graft  upon  her 


56  ART  OF  PUNNING. 

stock.  Mr.  Link  the  parson  was  sent  for,  who 
joined  the  loving  pair  together;  Mr.  Rowintree 
and  Mr.  Holy-oak  were  bride-men.  The  company 
were,  my  lady  Joan  Keel,  who  came-a-mile  on  foot 
to  compliment  them;  and  her  maid  Sally,  re- 
markable for  her  carrots,  that  rid  upon  a  chestnut. 
There  was  Dr.  Burr  age  too-,  a  constant  medlar  in 
other  people's  affairs.  He  was  lately  im-peacttd  for 
murdering  Don  Quick-set.  Mrs.  Lettice  Skirret 
and  Mrs.  jRose-merry  were  the  bride-maids;  the 
latter  sang  a  song  to  oblige  the  company,  which  an 
arch  wag  called  a  funeral  dirge :  but,  notwith- 
standing this,  our  friend  John  began  to  thrive  upon 
matrimony  like  a  twig  in  a  bush.  I  forgot  to  tell 
you,  that  the  tailor  had  so  much  cabbage  out  of  the 
wedding  suit,  there  was  none  at  all  for  supper. 

R.  22.  The  Rule  of  Inoculating  is,  when  a 
person  makes  an  excellent  pun,  and  you  immedi- 
ately fix  another  upon  it ;  as  Dean  Swift  one  day 
said  to  a  gentleman,  who  had  a  very  little  bob 
wig,  *  Sir,  the  dam  of  your  wig  is  a  rchiskeri  upon 
which  I  came  in  very  d  propos,  and  said,  '  Sir, 
that  cannot  be,  for  it  is  but  an  ear-wig."1 

R.  23.  The  Rule  of  Desertion  allows  you  to 
bring  a  man  into  a  pun,  and  leave  him  to  work  it 
out :  as,  suppose  you  should  hear  a  man  say  the 


AltT  OF  PUNNING.  67 

word  incomparable Then  you  proceed,  in-com- 

incom-par-par-rable-rable So   let   the   other 

make  his  best  of  it. 

R.  24.  The  Salick  Rule  is,  a  pretence  to  a 
jumping  of  wits:  that  is,  when  a  man  has  made 
a  good  pun,  the  other  swears  with  a  pun  he  was 
just  coming  out  with  it.  One  night,  I  remember, 

Mr. served  Dr. so.    The  former  saying 

over  a  bottle,  '  Will,  I  am  for  my  mistress  here.' 
4  How  so?1  says  Tom.  '  Why,  I  am  for  Wine-if- 
red."1  '  By  this  crooked  stick  *,'  said  Tom,  '  I  was 
coming  out  with  it.1 

R.  25.  The  Etymological  Rule  is,  when  a  man 
hunts  a  pun  through  every  letter  and  syllable  of 
a  word :  as  for  example,  I  am  asked,  *  What  is 
the  best  word  to  spend  an  evening  with?'  I  an- 
swered, &PotatoS;  for  there  is  po—pot—pota — 
potat — potato,  and  the  reverse  sot-a-top? 

R.  26.  The  Rule  of  Mortification  is,  when  a  man 
having  got  the  thanks  and  laugh  of  a  company  for 
a  good  pun,  an  enemy  to  the  art  swears  he  read 
it  in  "  Cambridge  Jests."  This  is  such  an  in- 
version of  it,  that  I  think  I  may  be  allowed  to  make 
examples  of  these  kind  of  people  in  verse : 

*  Cane-a-wry,  i.  e.  Canary. 


58  ART  OF  PUNNING. 

Thus  puppies,  that  adore  the  dark, 
Against  bright  Cynthia  howl  and  bark  ; 
Although  the  regent  of  the  night, 
Like  us,  is  gay  with  borrow'd  light. 

R.  57.  The  Professionary  Rule  *  is,  to  frame  a 
story,  and  swear  you  were  present  at  an  event 
where  every  man  talked  in  his  own  calling ;  ex.  gr. 

Major swears  he  wap  present  at  the  seizing  of 

a  pick-pocket  by  a  great  rabble  in  Smithfield ;  and 
that  he  heard 

A  Tailor  say,  *  Send  the  dog  to  hdV 
The  Cook,  <  Let  me  be  at  him,  I'll  baste  him.' 
The  Joiner,  '  It  is  plain  the  dog  was  caught  in 
the  fact ;  I  saw  him.' 

The  Blacksmith,  '  He  is  a  fine  spark  indeed  !' 
The  Butcher,  '  Knock  down  the  shambling  cur.' 
The  Glazier,   '  Make  'the  light  shine  through 
him.'1 

The  Bookseller,  '  Bind  him  over.' 
The  Sadler,  *  Pummel  him.' 
The  Farmer,  <  Thrash  the  dog.' 

*  An  improvement  on  this  rule  was  adopted  by  Dr.  Swift, 
in  his  "  Full  and  True  Account  of  Wood's  Procession  to 
the  Gallows." 


ART  OF  PUNNING.  59 

A  Popish  Priest  going  by,  *  I'll  make  the  Devil 
fly  out  of  him? 

R.  28.  The  Brazen- head  Rule  is,  when  a  punster 
stands  his  ground  against  a  whole  company,  though 
there  is  not  one  to  side  with  him,  to  the  utter  de- 
struction of  all  conversation  but  his  own.  As  for 
instance — says  one,  '  I  hate  a  pun? — Then  he, 
'  When  a  pun  is  meant)  is  it  a  punishment?' — 

*  Deuce  take  your  quibbling  i1— *  Sir,  I  will  not 
bate  you  an  ace.  cinque  me  if  I  do ;  and  I'll  make 
you  know  that  I   am  a  sice  above  you.' — '  This 
fellow  cannot  talk  out  of  his  element."1 — '  To  divert 
you  was  all  I  meant.'' 

R.  29.  The  Hypothetic  Rule  is,  when  you  sup- 
pose  things  hardly  consistent  to  be  united,  for  the 
sake  of  a  pun :  as  for  instance — suppose  a  person 
in  the  pillory  had  received  a  full  discharge  of  eggs 
upon  every  part  of  his  face  but  the  handle  of  it; 
why  should  he  make  the  longest  verses  in  the 
world  ?  Ans.  Versos  Alexandrinos,  i.  e.  All-eggs- 
and-dry-nose. 

R.  30.  The  Rule  of  Naturalization  is,  that  pun- 
ning is  free  of  all  languages :  as  for  the  Latin 
Romanes  you  may  say  *  Roman  nose '—  Temeraria, 

*  Tom,  where  are  you  T — Oxonice  prospectus,  *  Pox 
on  you,  pray  speak  to  us.    For  the  French  quelque 


60 


ART  OF  PUNNING. 


chose,  you  may  say  in  English  4  kick  shoes.1  When 
one  says  of  a  thief,  *  I  wish  he  was  transported ;"* 
answer,  «  he  is  already  fur  enough.'  Dr.  Swift 
made  an  excellent  advantage  of  this  rule  one  night : 
when  a  certain  peevish  gentleman  in  his  company 
had  lost  his  spectacles,  he  bid  him  '  have  a  good 
heart,  for,  if  it  continued  raining  all  night,  he  would 
find  them  in  the  morning.'' — '  Pray,  how  so  ? — 
*  Why,  sir, 

'  Nocte  pluit  tota,  redeunt  spectacula  mane.' 

R.  31.  The  Rule  of  Random.  When  a  man 
speaks  any  thing  that  comes  uppermost,  and  some 
good  pun-finder  discovers  what  he  never  meant  in 
it,  then  he  is  to  say,  '  You  have  hit  it  P  As  Major 
Grimes  did :  complaining  that  he  staid  at  home  by 
reason  of  an  issue  in  a  leg,  which  was  just  beginning 
to  run,  he  was  answered  by  Mr.  — ,  '  I  wonder  that 
you  should  be  confined  who  have  such  running  legs."1 
The  Major  replied,  '  You  have  hit  it ;  for  I  meant 
thai: 

R.  32.  The  Rule  of  Scandal.  Never  to  speak 
well  of  another  punster ;  ex.  gr.  t  Who,  he  !  Lord, 
sir,  he  has  not  sense  enough  to  play  at  crambo  ;'  or 
(  He  does  not  know  the  meaning  of  synonymous 


ART  OF  PUNNING. 


Gl 


words  ;""  or,  '  He  never  rose  so  high  as  a  conundrum 
or  a  carry  whichit.' 

R.  33.  The  Rule  of  Catch  is,  when  you  hear  a 
man  conning  a  pun  softly  to  himself,  to  whip  it  out 
of  his  mouth,  and  pass  it  upon  the  company  for 
your  own :  as  for  instance ;  mustard  happened  to 
be  mentioned  in  company  where  I  was,  and  a  gen- 
tleman with  his  eyes  fixed  upon  the  ceiling,  was  at 
Mus — vrnis,  sinapi — sinapi — snap  eye — bite  nose; 
— One  in  the  company,  over-hearing  him,  bit  him, 
and  snapped  it  up,  and  said,  «  Mustard  is  the  stoutest 
seed  in  the  world,  for  it  takes  the  greatest  man  by 
the  nose? 

R.  34.  The  Golden  Rule  allows  you  to  change 
one  syllable  for  another ;  by  this,  you  may  either 
lop  off,  insert,  or  add  to  a  word  ;  ex.  gr. 
For  Church — Kirk. 
'.  .  .  Bangor — Clangor- 
.  .  .  Presbyter — Has-biter. 

This  rule  is  of  such  consequence,  that  a  man  was 
once  tried  for  his  life  by  it.  The  case  was  thus : 
A  certain  man  was  brought  before  a  judge  of  assize 
for  murder  :  his  lordship  asked  his  name,  and  being 
answered  Spillman,  the  judge  said,  '  Take  away 
Sp,  and  his  name  is  Ill-man ;  put  K  to  it,  and  it 
is  Killman  :  away  with  him,  gaoler  ;  his  very  name 


62  ART  OF  TUNNING. 

has  hanged  him*.'  This  34th  rule,  on  this  oc- 
casion, became  a  rule  of  court,  and  was  so  well 
liked,  that  a  justice  of  peace,  who  shall  be  nameless, 
applied  every  tittle  of  it  to  a  man  brought  to  him 
upon  the  same  account,  after  this  manner :  '  Come, 
sir,  I  conjure  you,  as  I  am  one  of  his  majesty's 
justices  of  the  peace,  to  tell  me  your  name.' — '  My 
name,  an't  please  you,  is  Watson."1 — '  O  ho,  sir ! 
Watson !  mighty  well !  Take  away  Sp  from  it,  and 
it  is  lU-man,  and  put  K  to  it,  and  it  is  Kill-man : 
away  with  him,  constable,  his  very  name  will  hang 
him.' 

Let  us  now  consider  a  new  case  ;  as  for  instance, 
'  The  church  of  England,  as  by  law  established.' 
Put  a  T  before  it,  and  it  is  Test-ablished:  take 
away  the  Test  and  put  in  o,  and  it  is  Abolished. 

How  much  was  Tom  Gordon,  the  late  ingenious 
author  of  Parson  Alberoni,  obliged  to  it,  in  that 
very  natural  story  which  he  framed  concerning  the 
preacher,  where  he  tells  you,  one  of  the  congregation 


*  A  presbyterian  preacher  of  the  last  age  chose  to  exem- 
plify the  Golden  Rule,  by  dissecting  the  name  of  the  great 
enemy  of  mankind :  '  Take  away  D,  and  it  is  Evil,  take 
away  the  E,  and  it  is  File,  take  away  the  V,  and  it  is  /// — 
///,  File,  Evil,  Devil.' 


AUT  OF  PUNNING. 


called  the  minister  an  Humbassandor  for  an  Am- 
bassador *. 

Give  me  leave,  courteous  reader,  to  recommend 
to  your  perusal  and  practice  this  most  excellent 


*  The  story  here  alluded  to  is  told  in  a  pamphlet,  entitled, 
'  A  modest  Apology  for  Parson  Alberoni,  Governor  to  King 
Philip,  a  Minor,  and  universal  Curate  of  the  whole  Spanish 
Monarchy,  &c.  by  Thomas  Gordon,  Esq.  1719,'  and  is  as 
follows :  '  There  is,  in  a  certain  diocese  in  this  nation,  a 
living  worth  about  six  hundred  pounds  a-year.  This,  and 
two  or  three  more  preferments,  maintain  the  doctor  in  be- 
coming ease  and  corpulency.  He  keeps  a  chariot  in  town, 
and  a  journeyman  in  the  country ;  his  curate  and  his  coach- 
horses  are  his  equal  drudges,  saving  that  the  four-legged 
cattle  are  better  fed,  and  have  sleeker  cassocks,  than  his 
spiritual  dray-horse.  The  doctor  goes  down  once  a-year, 
to  shear  his  flock  and  fill  his  pockets,  or,  in  other  words,  to 
receive  the  wages  of  his  embassy ;  and  then,  sometimes  in 
an  afternoon,  if  his  belly  do  not  happen  to  be  too  full,  he 
vouchsafes  to  mount  the  pulpit,  and  to  instruct  his  people  in 
the  greatness  of  his  character  and  dullness.  This  composes 
the  whole  parish  to  rest ;  but  the  doctor  one  day  denouncing 
himself  the  Lord's  Ambassador  with  greater  fire  and  loudness 
than  could  have  been  reasonably  expected  from  him,  it  roused 
a  clown  of  the  congregation,  who  waked  his  next  neighbour 
with,  'Dost  hear,  Tom,  dost  hear?'— 'Ay,'  says  Tom, 
yawning, '  what  does  he  say  ?' — '  Say  ?'  answered  the  other, 
'  he  says  a  plaguy  lie,  to  be  sure  ;  he  says  as  how  he  is  my 
Lord's  Humbassandor,  but  I  think  he  is  more  rather  the 
Lord's  Receiver-General,  for  he  never  comes  but  to  take 
money.'  Six  hundred  pounds  a-year  is,  modestly  speaking, 
a  competent  fee  for  lulling  the  largest  congregation  in 


G4>  ART  OF  PUNNING. 

rule,  which  is  of  such  universal  use  and  advantage 
to  the  learned  world,  that  the  most  valuable  disco- 
veries, both  as  to  antiquities  and  etymologies,  are 
made  by  it;  nay,  further,  I  will  venture  to  say, 
that  all  words  which  are  introduced  to  enrich  and 
make  a  language  copious,  beautiful,  and  harmo- 
nious, arise  chiefly  from  this  rule.  Let  any  man 
but  consult  Bentley's  Horace,  and  he  will  see  what 
useful  discoveries  that  very  learned  gentleman  has 
made  by  the  help  of  this  rule ;  or,  indeed,  poor 
Horace  would  have  lain  under  the  eternal  reproach 
of  making  '  a.  fox  eat  outs?  had  not  the  learned 
doctor,  with  great  judgment  and  penetration,  found 
out  nitedula  to  be  a  blunder  of  the  librarians  for 
vulpecula ;  which  nitedula,  the  doctor  says,  signifies 
a  grass-mouse,  and  this  clears  up  the  whole  matter, 
because  it  makes  the  story  hang  well  together :  for 
all  the  world  knows,  that  weazles  have  a  most 
tender  regard  and  affection  to  grass  mice,  whereas 
they  hate  foxes  as  they  do  fire-brands.  In  short, 
all  various  lections  are  to  be  attributed  to  this  rule : 
so  are  all  the  Greek  dialects ;  or  Homer  would 

England  asleep  once  in  a  twelvemonth.  Such  tithes  are  the 
price  of  napping ;  and  such  mighty  odds  are  there  between 
a  curtain  lecture  and  a  cushion  lecture.'  See  the  collection 
of  Tracts  by  Gordon  and  Trenchard,  vol.  i.  p.  130. 


AKT  OF  PUN'NfXU.  65 

have  wanted  the  sonorous  beauty  of  his  oio's.  But 
the  greatest  and  best  masters  of  this  rule,  without 
dispute,  were  the  Dorians,  who  made  nothing  of 
saying  tin  for  soie,  tenon  for  ekeinos^  surisdomes  for 
surizomen,  &c.  From  this  too  we  have  our  quasis 
in  Lexicons.  Was  it  not,  by  rule  the  34th,  that 
the  Samaritan,  Chaldee,  ^Ethiopic,  Syriac,  Arabic, 
and  Persian  languages  were  formed  from  the  ori- 
ginal Hebrew  ?  for  which  I  appeal  to  the  Polyglot. 
And  among  our  modern  languages,  are  not  the 
Italian,  Spanish,  Portuguese,  and  French,  derived 
and  formed  from  the  Latin  by  the  same  power? 
How  much  poets  have  been  obliged  to  it,  we  need 
no  further  proof  than  the  figures  prothesis,  epen- 
thesis,  apocope,  paragoge,  and  ellipsis.  Trimming 
and  fitting  of  words  to  make  them  more  agreeable 
to  our  ears,  Dionysius  Halicarnassensis  has  taken 
notice  of,  in  his  book  *  De  Compositione  Vocum/ 
where  he  pleasantly  compares  your  polite  reformers 
of  words  to  masons  with  hammers,  who  break  oft' 
rugged  corners  of  stones,  that  they  may  become 
more  even  and  firm  in  their  places. 

But  after  all,  give  me  leave  to  lament,  that  I 
cannot  have  the  honour  of  being  the  sole  inventor 
of  this  incomparable  rule :  though  I  solemnly  pro- 
test, upon  the  word  of  an  author  (if  an  author  may 

F 


60  ART  OF  PUNNING. 

have  credit),  that  I  never  had  the  least  hint  toward 
it,  any  more  than  the  ladies'  letters  and  young 
children's  pronunciation,  till  a  year  after  I  had 
proposed  this  rule  to  Dr. ,  who  was  an  excel- 
lent judge  of  the  advantage  it  might  be  to  the 
public;  when,  to  my  great  surprise,  tumbling  over 
the  third  tome  of  Alstedius,  p.  71 ,  right  loth  to  be- 
lieve my  eyes,  I  met  with  the  following  passage : 
"  Ambigua  multam  faciunt  ad  hanc  rem,  oujusmodi 
exempla  plurima  reperiuntur  apud  Plautum,  qui  in 
ambiguis  crebro  ludit.  Joci  captantur  ex  permu- 
tatione  syllabarum  et  vocum,  ut  pro  Decretum, 
D/scretum ;  pro  Medicus,  Mendicus  et  Merdicus : 
pro  Poly carpus,  Polyeopros.  Item  ex  syllabarum 
ellipsi,  ut  ait  Althusisus,  cap.  iii.  civil,  convers.  pro 
Casimirus,  J*rus ;  pro  Marcus,  Arcus ;  pro  Vinosus, 
Osus ;  pro  Sacerdotium,  Otium.  Sic,  additione  li- 
terae,  pro  Urbanus,  Turbanus :"  which  exactly 
corresponded  to  every  branch  and  circumstance  of 
my  rule.  Then,  indeed,  I  could  not  avoid  breaking 
out  into  the  following  exclamations,  and  that  after 
a  most  pathetic  manner :  "  Wretched  Tom  Pun- 
Sibi !  Wretched  indeed  !  Are  all  thy  nocturnal 
lucubrations  come  to  this  ?  Must  another,  for  being 
a  hundred  years  before  thee  in  the  world,  run  away 
with  the  glory  of  thy  own  invention  ?  It  is  true,  he 


ART  OF  PUNNING.  67 

must.  Happy  Alstedius !  who,  I  thought,  would 
have  stood  me  in  all-stead^  upon  consulting  thy 
method  of  joking  !  All's  tedious  to  me  now,  since 
thou  hast  robbed  me  of  that  honour  which  would 
have  set  me  above  all  writers  of  the  present  age. 
And  why  not,  happy  Tom  Pun-Sibi  ?  did  we  not 
jump  together  like  true  wits?  But,  alas!  thou  art 
on  the  safest  side  of  the  bush ;  my  credit  being 
liable  to  the  suspicion  of  the  world,  because  you 
wrote  before  me.  Ill-natured  critics,  in  spite  of  all 
my  protestations,  will  condemn  me,  right  or  wrong, 
for  a  plagiary.  Henceforward  never  write  any  thing 
of  thy  own ;  but  pillage  and  trespass  upon  all  that 
ever  wrote  before  thee:  search  among  dust  and 
moths  for  things  new  to  the  learned.  Farewell, 
study ;  from  this  moment  I  abandon  thee :  for, 
wherever  I  can  get  a  paragraph  upon  any  subject 
whatsoever  ready  done  to  my  hand,  my  head  shall 
have  no  further  trouble  than  see  it  fairly  transcribed !" 
— And  this  method,  I  hope,  will  help  me  to  swell 
out  the  Second  Part  of  this  work. 


THE  END  OF  THE  FIRST  PART. 


F2 


TOM    PUN-SIBI; 


THE  GIBER  GIB'D*. 


Mirandi  novitate  movebere  mostri.— OVID. 


TOM  was  a  little  merry  grig, 
Fiddled  and  danced  to  his  own  jig ; 
Good-natured,  but  a  little  silly  ; 
Irresolute,  and  shally-shilly : 
What  he  should  do,  he  cou'dn't  guess. 
Swift  used  him  like  a  man  at  chess ; 


»  The  Art  of  Punning  was  originally  printed  at  Dublin 
in  1719,  immediately  reprinted  in  London,  and  then  pretty 
generally  ascribed  to  Dr.  Swift.  It  appears,  however,  that 
in  this  instance  the  Dean  was  only  an  assistant ;  the  piece 
having  been  written  by  Dr.  Sheridan,  and  corrected  and  im- 
proved by  Dr.  Swift,  Dr.  Delany,  and  Mr.  Rochfort.  Al- 
though it  does  not  seem  calculated  to  give  offence  to  any  one, 
it  however  called  forth  the  above  Satire  from  the  pen  of 
Dr.  Tisdal. 


TOM  PUN-SIBI,  ETC.  69 

He  told  him  once  that  he  had  wit, 
But  was  in  jest,  and  Tom  was  bit. 
Thought  himself  second  son  of  Phrebus, 
For  ballad,  pun,  lampoon,  and  rebus. 
He  took  a  draught  of  Helicon, 
But  swallowed  so  much  water  down, 
He  got  a  dropsy ;  now  they  say,  'tis 
Turn'd  to  poetic  diabetes  ; 
For  all  the  liquor  he  has  pass'd, 
Is  without  spirit,  salt,  or  taste  : 
But,  since  it  pass'd,  Tom  thought  it  wit, 
And  so  he  writ,  and  writ,  and  writ : 
He  writ  the  famous  Punning  Art, 
The  Benefit  of  p — s  and  f— t ; 
He  writ  the  Wonder  of  all  Wonders ; 
He  writ  the  Blunder  of  all  Blunders ; 
He  writ  a  merry  farce  or  poppet, 
Taught  actors  how  to  squeak  and  hop  it ; 
A  treatise  on  the  Wooden-man  *, 
A  ballad  on  the  nose  of  Dan ; 
The  art  of  making  April  fools, 
The  four-and-thirty  quibbling  rules. 
The  learned  say,  that  Tom  went  snacks 
With  Philomaths,  for  almanacks  ; 

*  The  wooden-man  was  a  famed  door-post  in  Dublin. 


70  TOM  PUN-SI fli ; 

Though  they  divided  are,  for  some  say, 
He  writ  for  Whaley,  some  for  Cumpstey  *. 
Hundreds  there  are,  who  will  make  oath, 
That  he  writ  almanacks  for  both ; 
And,  though  they  made  the  calculations, 
Tom  writ  the  monthly  observations  ! 

Such  were  his  writings,  but  his  chatter 
Was  one  continual  clitter-clatter. 
Swift  slit  his  tongue,  and  made  it  talk, 
Cry,  (  Cup  o'  sack,'  and  '  Walk,  knave,  walk  P 
And  fitted  little  prating  Pall 
For  wire-cage,  in  Common-Hall ; 
Made  him  expert  at  quibble-jargon, 
And  quaint  at  selling  of  a  bargain. 
Pall,  he  could  talk  in  different  linguos, 
But  he  could  not  be  taught  distinguos : 
Swift  tried  in  vain,  and  angry  thereat, 
Into  a  spaniel  turned  the  parrot ; 
Made  him  to  walk  on  his  hind-legs, 
He  dances,  fawns,  and  paws,  and  begs ; 
Then  cuts  a  caper  o'er  a  stick  -f-, 
Lies  close,  does  whine,  and  creep,  and  lick : 
Swift  put  a  bit  upon  his  snout, 
Poor  Tom  !  he  daren't  look  about ; 

*  Famous  Irish  almanack  makers. 

t  This  was  literally  true  between  Swift  and  Sheridan. 


OR,  THE  GIBER  GIB^D.  71 

But  when  that  Swift  does  give  the  word, 

He  snaps  it  up,  though  'twere  a  t — . 

Swift  strokes  his  back,  and  gives  him  victual, 

And  then  he  makes  him  lick  his  spittle. 

Sometimes  he  takes  him  on  his  lap, 

And  makes  him  grin,  and  snarl,  and  snap. 

He  sets  the  little  cur  at  me ; 

Kick'd,  he  leapt  upon  his  knee  ; 

I  took  him  by  the  neck  to  shake  him, 

And  made  him  void  his  attnim  Grcecum. 

'  Turn  out  the  stinking  cur,  pox  take  him  !' 

Quoth  Swift :  though  Swift  could  sooner  want  any 

Thing  in  the  world,  than  a  Tanta-ny, 

And  thus  not  only  makes  his  grig 

A  parrot,  spaniel,  but  his  pig. 


ADVERTISEMENT. 

THE  Second  Part  of  this  Work  will  be  published 
with  all  convenient  expedition  :  to  which  will  be 
added,  A  small  Treatise  of  CONUNDRUMS,  CARRI- 
WHICHITS,  and  LONG-PETITES  ;  together  with  the 
WINTER-FIRE'S  Diversion;  The  Art  of  making 
REBUSES  ;  The  Antiquity  of  HOOP-PETTICOATS 
proved  from  Adam's  two  Daughters,  Calnuina  and 
Delbora,  &c.  &c.  &c. 


PUNNING  LETTER 


EARL    OE    PEMBROKE, 

PRETENDED  TO  BE  THE  DYING  SPEECH  OF  TOM  ASHE, 
WHOSE  BROTHER,  THE  REVEREND  DILLON  ASHE,  WAS 
NICK-NAMED  DILLY. 

TOM  ASHE  died  last  night.  It  is  conceived  he 
was  so  puffed  up  by  my  lord  lieutenant's  favour -, 
that  it  struck  him  into  a.  fever.  I  here  send  you 
his  dying  speech,  as  it  was  exactly  taken  by  a 
friend  in  short-hand.  It  is  something  long,  and 
a  little  incoherent ;  but  he  was  several  hours  de- 
livering it,  and  with  several  intervals.  His  friends 
were  about  the  bed,  and  he  spoke  to  them  thus ; 

My  Friends, 

Tt  is  time  for  a  man  to  look  grave,  when  he  has 
one  foot  there.  I  once  had  only  a  punnic  fear  of 
death  ;  but  of  late  I  have  jjundred  it  more  seriously- 
Every  fit  of  coughing  hath  put  me  in  mind  of  my 


THE  DYlNtt  SPEECH,  ETC.  73 

cojfin  ,•  though  dissolute  men  seldomest  think  of  dis- 
solution. This  is  a  very  great  alteration  :  I,  that 
supported  myself  with  good  wine,  must  now  be 
myself  supported  by  a  small  bier.  A  fortune-teller 
once  looked  on  my  hand,  and  said,  «  This  man  is 
to  be  a  great  traveller ;  he  will  soon  be  at  the  Diet 
of  Worms,  and  from  thence  go  to  Ratisbone?  But 
now  I  understand  his  double  meaning.  I  desire  to 
be  privately  buried,  for  I  think  a  public  funeral 
looks  like  Bury  fair ;  and  the  rites  of  the  dead  too 
often  prove  wrong1  to  the  living.  Methinks  the 
word  itself  best  expresses  the  number,  neither  few 
nor  all.  A  dying  man  should  not  think  of  obsequies, 
but  ob  se  quies.  Little  did  I  think  you  would  so 
soon  see  poor  Tom  stown  under  a  tomb  stone.  But 
as  the  mole  crumbles  the  motdd  about  her,  so  a  man 
of  small  mould,  before  I  am  old,  may  moulder  away. 
Sometimes  I've  ravd  that  I  should  revive-,  but 
physicians  tell  me,  that,  when  once  the  great  artery 
has  drawn  the  heart  awry,  we  shall  find  the  cor  di 
all,  in  spite  of  all  the  highest  cordial.  Brother, 
you  are  fond  of  Daffy's  elixir ;  but,  when  death 
comes,  the  world  will  see  that,  in  spite  of  Daffy 
down  Ditty,  whatever  doctors  may  design  by  their 
medicines,  a  man  in  a  dropsy  (hops  he  not,  in  spite 
of  Goddard's  drops,  though  none  are  reckoned  such 


74  THE  DYING  SPEECH 

high  drops  ? — I  find  death  smells  the  blood  of  an 
Englishman :  a  fee  faintly  Jumbled  out  will  be  a 
weak  defence  against  \\\&fee-fa-fum. — P.  T.  are  no 
letters  in  death's  alphabet ;  he  has  not  half  a  bit  of 
either  :  he  moves  his  scythe,  but  will  not  be  moved 
by  all  our  sighs.  Every  thing  ought  to  put  us  in 
mind  of  death.  Physicians  affirm,  that  our  very 
food  breeds  it  in  us ;  so  that  in  our  dieting,  we  may 
be  said  to  di  eating.  There  is  something  ominous, 
not  only  in  the  names  of  diseases,  as  e?/-arrho2a,  di- 
abetes,  eft-sentery,  but  even  in  the  drugs  designed 
to  preserve  our  lives ;  as  di-acodium,  di-apente,  di- 
ascordium.  I  perceive  Dr.  Howard  (and  I  feel 
how  hard)  lay  thumb  on  my  pulse,  then  pulls  it 
back,  as  if  he  saw  lethnm  in  my  face.  I  see  as  bad 
in  his  ;  for  sure  there  is  no  physic  like  a  sick  phiz. 
He  thinks  I  shall  decease  before  the  day  cease; 
but,  before  I  die,  before  the  bell  hath  tolfd,  and 
Tom  Tollman  is  told  that  little  Tom,  though  not 
old,  has  paid  nature's  toll,  I  do  desire  to  give  some 
advice  to  those  that  survive  me.  First,  let  game- 
sters consider  that  death  is  Itazard  and  passage^ 
upon  the  turn  of  a  die.  Let  lawyers  consider  it 
as  a  hard  case.  And  let  punners  consider  how 
hard  it  is  to  die  jesting,  when  death  is  so  hard  in 
digesting. 


OF  TOM  ASHE.  75 

As  for  my  lord-lieutenant  the  Earl  of  Mun~ 
gomerry^  I  am  sure  he  be-wales  my  misfortune; 
and  it  would  move  him  to  stand  by,  when  the  car- 
penter (while  my  friends  grieve  and  make  an  odd 
splutter)  nails  up  my  coffin.  I  will  make  a  short 
affidavi-t,  that,  if  he  makes  my  epitaph,  I  will  take 
it  for  a  great  honour ;  and  it  is  a  plentiful  subject. 
His  excellency  may  say,  that  the  art  of  punning  is 
dead  with  Tom.  Tom  has  taken  all  puns  away 
with  him.  Omne  tu lit  pun-Tom. May  his  ex- 
cellency long  live  tenant  to  the  queen  in  Ireland. 
We  never  Herberd  so  good  a  governor  before. 
Sure  he  mun-go-merryhome,  that  has  made  a  king- 
dom so  happy.  I  hear,  my  friends  design  to  publish 
a  collection  of  my  puns.  Now  I  do  confess,  I  have 
let  many  a  pun  go,  which  did  never  pungo  ;  there- 
fore the  world  must  read  the  bad  as  well  as  the 
good.  Virgil  has  long  foretold  it :  Punica  mala 

leges. 1  have  had   several  forebodings  that  I 

should  soon  die :  I  have  of  late  been  often  at  com- 
mittees, where  I  have  sat  de  die  in  diem. 1  con- 
versed much  with  the  usher  of  the  black  rod :  I  saw 
his  medals  ,•  and  woe  is  me  dull  soul,  not  to  con- 
sider they  are  but  dead  men's  faces  stampt  over 
and  over  by  the  living,  which  will  shortly  be  my 
condition. 


76  THE  DYIN'G  SPEECH,  &C. 

Tell  Sir  Anthony  Fountain,  I  ran  clear  tp  the 
bottom,  and  wish  he  may  be  a  late  a  river  where  I 
am  going.  He  used  to  brook  compliments.  May 
his  sand  be  long  a  running;  not  quick  sand  like 
mine  !  Bid  him  avoid  poring  upon  monuments  and 
books;  which  is  in  reality  but  running  among 
rocks  and  shelves,  to  stop  his  course.  May  his 
waters  never  be  troubled  with  mud  or  gravel,  nor 
stopt  by  any  grinding  stone!  May  his  friends  be 
all  true  trouts,  and  his  enemies  laid  as  flat  as 
flounders!  I  look  upon  him  as  the  most  fluent  of 
his  race;  therefore  let  him  not  despond.  I  foresee 
his  black  rod  will  advance  to  a  pike,  and  destroy 
all  our  ills. 

But  I  am  going ;  my  wind  in  lungs  is  turning 
to  a  winding  sheet.  The  thoughts  of  a  pall  begin 
to  a  pall  me.  Life  is  but  a  vapour,  car  elle  va 
pour  la  moindre  cause.  Farewell :  I  have  lived 
ad  aLmicorumfastidium,  and  now  behold  how^a^  / 
dium! 

Here  his  breath  failed  him,  and  he  expired. 
There  are  some  false  spellings  here  and  there ;  but 
they  must  be  pardoned  in  a  dying  man. 


LETTER 

GIVING  AN  ACCOUNT  OF 

A  PESTILENT  NEIGHBOUR. 

•a 

SIR, 

You  must  give  me  leave  to  complain  of  a  pesti- 
lent fellow  in  my  neighbourhood,  who  is  always 
beating  mortar;  yet  I  cannot  find  he  ever  builds. 
In  talking,  he  useth  such  hard  words,  that  I  want 
a  Drugger-man  to  interpret  them.  But  all  is  not 
gold  that  glisters.  A  pot  he  carries  to  most  houses 
where  he  visits.  He  makes  his  prentice  his  gaily 
slave.  I  wish  our  lane  were  purged  of  him.  Yet 
he  pretends  to  be  a  cordial  man.  Every  spring 
his  shop  is  crowded  with  country-folks,  who,  by  their 
leaves,  in  my  opinion,  help  him  to  do  a  great  deal 
of  mischief.  He  is  full  of  scruples;  and  so  very 
litigious,  that  he  Jiles  bills  against  all  his  ac- 
quaintance :  and,  though  he  be  much  troubled 
with  the  simples,  yet  I  assure  you  he  is  a  Jesuitical 
dog ;  as  you  may  know  by  his  bark.  Of  all  poetry 
he  loves  the  dram-a-tick.  I  am,  SEC. 


PUNNING  EPISTLE  ON  MONEY. 

Worthy  Mr.  PENNYFEATHER, 

MADAM  Johnson  has  been  very  ill-used  by  her 
servants ;  they  put  shillings  into  her  broth  instead 
of  groats,  which  made  her  stamp.  I  hear  they 
had  them  from  one  Tom  Ducket,  a  tenant  to  Major 
Noble,  who  I  am  told  is  reduced  to  nine-pence. 
We  are  doubting  whether  we  shall  dine  at  the 
Crown  or  the  Angel.  Honest  Mark  Cob,  who  has 
been  much  moydored  of  late,  will  dine  with  us,  but 
'Squire  Manypenny  and  Captain  Sterling  desire  to 
be  excused,  for  they  are  engaged  with  Ned  Silver 
to  dine  in  CAawgv-alley.  They  live  in  great  har- 
mony;  they  met  altogether  last  week,  and  sate  as 
loving  as  horses  in  a  pound.  I  suppose  you  have 
heard  of  the  r^iwo-ceros  lately  arrived  here.  A 
captain  was  co*7fc-iered  on  Wednesday.  A  sca- 
venger abused  me  this  morning,  but  I  made  him 
down  with  his  dust,  which  indeed  was  a.  far-thing 
from  my  intentions.  Mrs.  Brent  had  a  pi-stole 


GOD'S  REVENGE,  &C.  79 

from  her ;  I  would  a'  g'mny'e  a  good  deal  for  such 
another.  Mrs.  Dingley  has  made  a  souse  for  your 
collard-eel.  Alderman  Coyn  presents  his  service 
to  you.  I  have  nothing  but  half-pens  to  write 
with,  so  that  you  must  excuse  this  scrawl.  One  of 
my  seals  fell  into  a  chink.  I  am,  without  alloy, 
Your  most  obedient, 

TOM  MITE. 

P.  S.  Mr.  Cole  presents  his  service  to  you,  of 
which  I  am  ^-tester. 


GOD'S  REVENGE  AGAINST  PUNNING, 

BY  DR.  ARBUTHNOT; 

SHOWING  THE  MISERABLE  FATES  OP 'PERSONS  ADDICTED 
TO  THIS  CRYINO  SIN  IN  COURT  AND  TOWN. 

MANiFOLDhavebeen  the  judgmentswhich  Heaven, 
from  time  to  time,  for  the  chastisement  of  a  sinful 
people,  has  inflicted  on  whole  nations.  For  when 
the  degeneracy  becomes  common,  'tis  but  just  the 
punishment  should  be  general:  Of  this  kind,  in 
our  own  unfortunate  country,  was  that  destructive 
}>estilence,  whose  mortality  was  so  fatal,  as  to  sweep 


80  GOD'S  REVENGE 

away,  if  Sir  William  Petty  may  be  believed,  five 
millions  of  Christian  souls,  besides  women  and 
Jews. 

Such  also  was  that  dreadful  conflagration  en- 
suing, in  this  famous  metropolis  of  London,  which 
consumed,  according  to  the  computation  of  Sir 
Samuel  Morland,  100,000  houses,  not  to  mention 
churches  and  stables. 

Scarce  had  this  unhappy  nation  recovered  these 
funest  disasters,  when  the  abomination  of  play- 

ises  rose  up  in  this  land :  from  hence  hath  an 
inundation  of  obscenity  flowed  from  the  court  and 
overspread  the  kingdom.  Even  infants  disfigured 
walls  of  holy  temples  with  exorbitant  represen- 
tations of  the  members  of  generation  :  nay,  no 
sooner  had  they  learnt  to  spell,  but  they  had  wick- 
edness enough  to  write  the  names  thereof  in  large 
capitals :  an  enormity  observed  by  travellers  to  be 
found  in  no  country  but  England. 

But  when  whoring  and  popery  were  driven  hence 
by  the  happy  Revolution,  still  the  nation  so  greatly 
offended,  that  Socinianism,  Arianism,  and  Whis- 
tonism  triumphed  in  our  streets,  and  were  in  a 
manner  become  universal. 

And  yet  still,  after  all  these  visitations,  it  has 
pleased  Heaven  to  visit  us  with  a  contagion  more 


AGAINST  PUNNING.  81 

epidemical,  and  of  consequence  more  fatal:  this 
was  foretold  to  us,  first,  by  that  unparalleled 
eclipse  in  1714 ;  secondly,  by  the  dreadful  corus- 
cation in  the  air  this  present  year;  and,  thirdly, 
by  the  nine  comets  seen  at  once  over  Soho-square, 
by  Mrs.  Katherine  Wadlington,  and  others  :  a 
contagion  that  first  crept  in  among  the  first  quality, 
descended  to  their  footmen,  and  infused  itself  into 
their  ladies — I  mean  the  woeful  practice  of  PUN- 
NING. This  does  occasion  the  corruption  of  ou 
language,  and  therein  of  the  word  of  God  trans- 
lated into  our  language,  which  certainly  every 
sober  Christian  must  tremble  at. 

Now  such  is  the  enormity  of  this  abomination, 
that  our  very  nobles  not  only  commit  punning  over 
tea,  and  in  taverns,  but  even  on  the  Lord's  day, 
and  in  the  kingvs  chapel :  therefore,  to  deter  men 
from  this  evil  practice,  I  shall  give  some  true  and 
dreadful  examples  of  God's  revenge  against  pun- 
sters. 

The  Right  Honourable (but  it  is  not 

safe  to  insert  the  name  of  an  eminent  nobleman  in 
this  paper,  yet  I  will  venture  to  say  that  such  a  one 
has  been  seen  ,-  which  is  all  we  can  say,  considering 
the  largeness  of  his  sleeves) — This  young  nobleman 
was  not  only  a  flagitious  punster  himself,  but  was 


82  GOD'S  REVENGE 

accessary  to  the  punning  of  others,  by  consent,  by 
provocation,  by  connivance,  and  by  defence  of  the 
evil  committed ;  for  which  the  Lord  mercifully 
spared  his  neck,  but  as  a  mark  of  reprobation 
wryed  his  nose. 

Another  nobleman  of  great  hopes,  no  less  guilty 
of  the  same  crime,  was  made  the  punisher  of  him- 
self with  his  own  hand,  in  the  loss  of  500  pounds  at 
box  and  dice ;  whereby  this  unfortunate  young 
gentleman  incurred  the  heavy  displeasure  of  his 
aged  grandmother. 

A  third  of  no  less  illustrious  extraction,  for  the 
same  vice,  was  permitted  to  fall  into  the  arms  of  a 
Datilah,  who  may  one  day  cut  off  his  curious  hair, 
and  deliver  him  up  to  the  Philistines. 

Colonel  F ,  an  ancient  gentleman  of 

grave  deportment,  gave  into  this  sin  so  early  in 
his  youth,  that  whenever  his  tongue  endeavours  to 
speak  common  sense,  he  hesitates  so  as  not  to  be 
understood. 

Thomas  Pickle,  gentleman,  for  the  same  crime, 
banished  to  Minorca. 

Muley  Hamet,  from  a  wealthy  and  hopeful  officer 
in  the  army,  turned  a  miserable  invalid  at  Tilbury- 
Fort. 

Eustace,  Esq.  for  the  murder  of  much  of 


AGAINST  PUNNING.  83 

the  King^  English  in  Ireland,  is  quite  deprived  of 
his  reason,  and  now  remains  a  lively  instance  of 
emptiness  and  vivacity. 

Poor  Daniel  Button,  for  the  same  offence,  de- 
prived of  his  wits. 

One  Samuel,  an  Irishman,  for  his  forward  at- 
tempt to  pun,  was  stunted  in  his  stature,  and  hath 
been  visited  all  his  life  after  with  bulls  and 
blunders. 

George  Simmons,  shoemaker  at  Turnstile  in 
Holborn,  was  so  given  to  this  custom,  and  did  it 
with  so  much  success,  that  his  neighbours  gave 
out  he  was  a  wit.  Which  report  coming  among 
his  creditors,  nobody  would  trust  him ;  so  that  he 
is  now  a  bankrupt,  and  his  family  in  a  miserable 
condition. 

Divers  eminent  clergymen  of  the  university  of 
Cambridge,  for  having  propagated  this  vice,  be- 
came great  drunkards  and  Tories. 

From  which  calamities,  the  Lord  in  his  mercy 
defend  us  all,  &c.  &c. 


THE  BIRTH  OF  A  PUN  *. 

WHEN  Adam  and  Eve,  as  the  saints  all  believe, 
From  the  garden  of  Eden  were  driven ; 
They  put  up  a  prayer  to  king  Joe  in  his  chair,     , 
That  a  boon  he  would  grant  them  from  heaven. 
'Twas  in  vain  that  old  Jove  'gainst  their  petition 

strove, 

Madame  Juno  determined  to  grapple 
His  arguments  keen ;   said  the  thunderer's  queen, 
"  Where's  the  sin,  pray,  of  stealing  an  apple  ? 
"  Send  Momus,  I  beg,  let  him  carry  an  egg, 
"  To  earth's  now  disconsolate  son ; 
"  And  bid  Mistress  Eve,  that  no  longer  she  grieve, 
"  For  the  gods  have  enclosed  them  a  Pun" 
Now  downward  the  sprite  on  the  earth  did  alight, 
And  cracking  the  shell  on  the  floor, 
Gave  birth  to  a  Pun,  full  of  humour  and  fun, 
And  sadness  they  never  knew  more.    . 

*  ANTIQUITY  OF  PUNS  AND  ENIGMAS, 

By  the  learned  Author  of  Hermes. 

On  the  subject  of  puns  the  late  learned  author  of  HERMES 
and  Philological  Inquiries  has  the  following  remarks  and 
extracts : 


ANTIQUITY  OF  PUNS.  85 

A  PUN  seldom  regards  MEANING,  being  chiefly  confined 
to  SOUND. 

HORACE  gives  a  sad  example  of  this  spurious  wit,  where 
(as  Dryden  humorously  translates  it)  he  makes  Persius  the 
buffoon  exhort  the  patriot  Brutus  to  kill  Mr.  KING,  that  is, 
Rupilius  Rex,  because  Brutus,  when  he  slew  Ccesar,  had 
been  accustomed  to  KING-KILLING. 

Hunc  REGEM  occide ;  operum 
Hoc  mihi  crede  tuorum  est. 

We  have  a  worse  attempt  in  Homer,  where  Ulysses  makes 
Polypheme  believe  his  name  was  OTTIS,  and  where  the  dull 
Cyclops,  after  he  had  lost  his  eye,  upon  being  asked  by  his 
brethren  who  had  done  so  much  mischief,  replies,  'twas  done 
by  OTTIS,  that  is,  by  NOBODY. 

ENIGMAS  are  of  a  more  complicated  nature,  being  involved 
either  in  pun  or  metaphor,  or  sometimes  in  both. 

'Ai$p  «i£ov  Tffi/fi  ^aXxov  ITT'  avs'pi  xoXXwavra. 

/  saw  a  man,  who,  unprovoked  with  ire, 
Stuck  brass  upon  another's  back  byjfire. 

This  ENIGMA  is  ingenious,  and  means  the  operation  of 
cupping;  performed  in  ancient  days  by  a  machine  of  brass. 

In  such  fancies,  contrary  to  the  principles  of  good  meta- 
phor and  good  writing,  a  perplexity  is  caused,  not  by  accident, 
but  by  design,  and  the  pleasure  lies  in  the  being  able  to 
resolve  it. 


THE  ENGLISH  CELEBRATED  FOR 
PUNNING  ON  NAMES. 

THE  English  are  noted  for  punning  on  people's 
names,  in  allusion  to  their  talent  or  profession.— 
Grimaldi  was  called,  from  his  "  grim  faces,""  Grim- 
all-day;  Macready,  from  his  quick  study,  "  Make 
ready ;""  Young,  from  his  youthful  appearance, 
"  the  young  actor ;"  Kean,  from  his  new  readings, 
"  the  keen  actor;"  Sinclair,  from  his  beautiful 
voice,  "  Mr.  Sing  clear;"  Miss  Tree,  the  lovely 
vocalist,  "  the  Mystery"  Sec.  &c.  See. :  innumerable 
are  the  instances  in  the  political  world,  but  quant, 
sujf.  Perhaps  one  of  the  most  laughable  of  the 
present  day  is  the  pun  upon  Mr.  Thomas  Bish, 
the  stockbroker's  name ;  he  was  then  at  the  head 
of  one  of  the  most  respectable  tea-dealing  esta- 
blishments in  London.  His  friends  sunk  his  Chris- 
tian name,  excepting  the  first  letter,  and  jocosely 
called  him  Mr.  Tea  Bish:  perhaps  the  joke  was 
borrowed  from  an  epigram  on  Mr.  Twining,  the 
tea-dealer,  viz. 

"  How  curiously  names  with  professions  agree, 
For  Twining  would  be  wining,  dispossess'd  of  his  T. 

But  we  shall  favour  the  reader  with  a  few  of  the 
best  modern  examples. 


OF  PUNNING  ON  SURNAMES. 

MEN  once  were  surnamed  from  their  shape  or  estate, 

(You  all  may  from  history  worm  it :) 
There  was  Lewis  the  Bulky,  and  Henry  the  Great, 

John  Lackland,  and  Peter  the  Hermit. 
But  now,  when  the   door-plates  of  misters   and 
dames 

Are  read,  each  so  constantly  varies 
From  the  owner's  trade,  figure,  and  calling,  sur- 
names 

Seem  given  by  the  rule  of  contraries. 

Mr.   Fox,  though  provoked,    never  doubles  his 
fist, 

Mr.  Burns  in  his  grate  has  no  fuel, 
Mr.  Playfair  won't  catch  me  at  hazard  or  whist, 

Mr.  Coward  was  wing'd  in  a  duel. 
Mr.  Wise  is  a  dunce,  Mr.  King  is  a  Whig, 

Mr.  Coffin's  uncommonly  sprightly, 
And  huge  Mr.  Little  broke  down  in  a  gig 

While  driving  fat  Mrs.  Golightly. 


88  PUNNING  ON   SURNAMES. 

Mrs.  Drink  water's  apt  to  indulge  in  a  dram, 

Mrs.  Angel's  an  absolute  fury, 
And  meek  Mr.  Lyon  let  fierce  Mr.  Lamb 

Tweak  his  nose  in  the  lobby  of  Drury. 
At  Bath,  where  the  feeble  go  more  than  the  stout, 

(A  conduct  well  worthy  of  Nero,) 
Over  poor  Mr.  Lightfoot,  confined  with  the  gout, 

Mr.  Heaviside  danced  a  Bolero. 


Miss   Joy,  wretched  maid,  when  she  chose  Mr. 
Love, 

Found  nothing  but  sorrow  await  her : 
She  now  holds  in  wedlock,  as  true  as  a  dove, 

That  fondest  of  mates,  Mr.  Hayter. 
Mr.  Oldcastle  dwells  in  a  modern-built  hut, 

Miss  Sage  is  of  madcaps  the  archest ; 
Of  all  the  queer  bachelors  Cupid  e'er  cut, 

Old  Mr.  Younghusband's  the  starchest. 


Mr.  Child,  in  a  passion,  knock'd  down  Mr.  Rock, 
Mr.  Stone  like  an  aspen-leaf  shivers, 

Miss  Poole  used  to  dance,  but  she  stands  like  a 

stock 
Ever  since  she  became  Mrs.  Rivers. 


PUNNING  ON  SURNAMES.  89 

Mr.  Swift  hobbles  onward,  no  mortal  knows  how, 
He  moves  as  though  cords  had  entwined  him ; 

Mr.  Metcalfe  ran  off,  upon  meeting  a  cow, 
With  pale  Mr.  Turnbull  behind  him. 

Mr.  Barker's  as  mute  as  a  fish  in  the  sea, 

Mr.  Miles  never  moves  on  a  journey, 
Mr.  Gotobed  sits  up  till  half-after-three, 

Mr.  Makepiece  was  bred  an  attorney. 
Mr.  Gardner  can't  tell  a  flower  from  a  root, 

Mr.  Wilde  with  timidity  draws  back ; 
Mr.  Ryder  performs  all  his  journeys  on  foot, 

Mr.  Foote  all  his  journeys  on  horseback. 

Mr.  Penny,  whose  father  was  rolling  in  wealth, 

Kick'd  down  all  the  fortune  his  dad  won, 
Large  Mr.  Le  Fever 's  the  picture  of  health, 

Mr.  Goodenough  is  but  a  bad  one. 
Mr.  Cruickshank  stept  into  three  thousand  a-year 

By  showing  his  leg  to  an  heiress  :— • 
Now  I  hope  you'll  acknowledge  I've  made  it  quite 
clear 

Surnames  ever  go  by  contraries. 

New  Monthly  Magazine. 


AN  EPITAPH, 

OR 

PUNNING  RUN  MAD. 


HERE  lies  old  John  Magee,  late  the  landlord  at  the 

Sun, 
He  never  had  an  ail,  unless  when  all  his  ale  was 

done  : 
The  Sun  was  on  the  sign,  tho'  what  sign  his  sun 

was  on, 

No  studier  of  the  Zodiac  could  ever  hit  upon. 
Some  said  it  was  Aquarius,  so  queerious  he'd  get ; 
But  he  declared  no  soda-hack  should  ever  share  his 

whet. 
His  burnished  sun  was  sol-o,  soul-heart'ning  was 

his  cheer, 
And  quaffing  of  good  porter  long  kept  him  from 

his  bier. 
As  draughtsman  he'd  no  equal,  his  drawings  were 

so  good, 
And  many  a  noble  draught  has  he  taken  from  the 

wood, — 


PUNNING  RUN  MAD.  91 

Rare  spirited  productions,  with  tasty  views  near 

Cork; 
And  then  he  had  a  score  or  two  rum  characters  in 

chalk. 

Above  the  mantel-taillee  his  tally  it  was  naiTd, 
And  though  he  had  lost  one  eyesight,  his  hop-ticks 

never  faiFd. 
Good  ale  and  cider  sold  here,  oft  made  the  soldier 

halt, 
And  sailor  Jack,  his  sail  aback,  would  hoist  aboard 

his  malt ; 

Most  cordially  he'd  pour  out  a  cordial  for  the  fair, 
Whose  peeper  meant  to  ogle  the  peppermint  so  rare ; 
While  buxom  Jean  would  toss  off  the  juniper  so  gay, 
And  swear  it  was  both  sweet  and  nice  as  any  shrub 

in  May. 
At  last  John  took  to  drinking,  and  drank  till  drunk 

with  drink ; 
His  stuffing  he  would  stuff  in  till  stuff  began  to 

shrink ; 
Tho1  mistress  shook  her  hand  high,  he  suck'd  the 

sugar-candy, 
And  often  closed  his  brand  eye  by  tippling  of  the 

brandy. 

His  servants  always  firking,  his  firkins  ran  so  fast, 
And  staggering  round  his  bar-rails,  his  barrels 

breathed  their  last ; 


92  PUNNING  RUN  MAD. 

And  when  he  treated  all  hands  his  Hollands  ran  away, 
Nor  reap'd  he  fruit  from  any  seed  for  aniseed  to  pay. 
And  though  he  drank  the  bitters,  his  bitters  still 

increased, 
He  puff'd  the  more  parfait  au  cceur  till  all  his  efforts 

ceas'd. 
The  storm,  alas !  was  brewing,  the  brewer  drew  his 

till, 
And  Mrs.  Figg,  for  'bacca,  to  back  her  brought  her 

bill. 

Distillers  still'd  his  spirits,  but  couldn't  still  his  mind ; 
He  told  the  bailiff  he  would  try  a  bail  if  he  could 

find; 
But  fumbling  round  the  tap-room,  Death  tapp'd 

him  on  the  head, 
So  here  he  lies  quite  flat  and  stale,  because,  d'ye 

see,  he's  dead. 

Literary  Gazette. 


.cO- 


BENJAMIN  BASHFUL 


ON 


THE  VICE  OF  PUNNING. 


THE  PUNSTER  S   FOE. 

Who's  he,  that  from  our  hoard  is  running  ? 
He,  Sir's  an  enemy  to  punning, 
A  hashful  foe,  who  loves  not  wit — 
Ergo,  because  he's  none  of  it 
Within  his  cranium  ;  and  at  table 
Sits  like  the  fox  in  ^sop's  fable, 
Watching  the  grapes  he'd  fain  devour, 
And  disappointed,  calls  them  sour. 
A  laugh  would  decompose  his  metal, 
And  like  a  dog,  with  a  tin  kettle 
Dangling  at  his  tail,  he  runs 
From  witty  wags  who  deal  in  puns. 


TO  BERNARD  BLACKMANTLE,  ESQ. 

Sir,  v 

IT  has  just  been  communicated  to  me,  that' you 
are  about  to  collect  and  publish  a  Punster's  Pocket- 


94  ON  THE  VICE  OF  PUNNIVG. 

Book,  for  the  express  purpose  of  promoting  that 
pei-nicious  vice,  which  is  already  much  too  pre- 
valent. As  an  antidote  to  the  evil,  I  hope  you 
will  not  Jail  to  insert  this  my  special  protest. 

B.  BASHFUL. 

I  am  a  bashful  young  man  of  good  fortune,  who, 
to  use  the  phrase  of  the  mode,  have  just  come  out, 
and  made  my  entre  into  the  world  with  the  repu- 
tation of  being  a  gentleman  and  a  scholar.  I  could 
wish  you  to  notice  a  minor  evil  in  society  which 
tends  to  poison  the  springs  of  taste  and  knowledge, 
by  bringing  forward  the  flippant,  and  throwing 
back  the  reflective,  speaker.  I  allude  to  the  vice 
of  punning,  which  tends  to  destroy  all  the  profit 
and  pleasure  of  conversation,  and  embarrass,  in  the 
greatest  degree,  the  young  and  inexperienced. 

It  is  my  fate  to  mix  with  a  circle  of  fashionable 
dilettanti,  each  of  them  capable  of  sustaining  a  part 
in  rational  discourse,  and  of  conducting  the  intel- 
lectual conflict  with  some  share  of  vigour  and 
learning ;  who,  nevertheless,  meet  together  to  fritter 
away  time,  patience,  and  attention,  with  a  series  of 
unconnected  quibbles  and  conundrums.  Instead  of 
the  rich  web  of  fancy,  glowing  with  the  vivid  crea- 
tions of  lively,  intelligent  minds,  the  conversation 


ON  THE  VICE  OF  TUNNING.  95 

presents  a  motley  intermixture  of  shreds  of  wit  and 
patches  of  conceit,  a  chequer-work  of  incongruities, 
the  very  orts  and  scraps  of  the  "  Feast  of  Reason,11 
the  dozings  of  science,  and  dregs  of  literature.  If 
I  relate  to  this  group  of  punsters  the  most  affecting 
circumstance,  I  am  heard  with  impatience  and  in- 
attention, till  I  chance  unwittingly  to  utter  a  word 
susceptible  of  a  double  or  triple  interpretation. 
The  mischievous  spark  of  folly  immediately  ignites, 
the  moral  interest  of  my  tale  is  undermined,  and  a 
loud  report  of  laughter  announces  the  explosion. 
The  genius  of  orthography  frowns  in  vain  :  puns 
are,  by  the  law  of  custom,  entitled  to  claim  en- 
trance into  the  sensorium  either  by  the  eye  or  the 
ear :  but  when  a  pseudo  pun  ("  for  indeed  there 
are  counterfeits  abroad")  is  perceptible  to  neither 
sense — when  read,  its  wit  is  not  discoverable ;  and 
when  heard,  it  cannot  be  understood :  to  avoid  the 
horror  of  an  explanation,  I  find  myself  obliged  to 
perjure  my  senses  by  laughing  in  ignorance  and 
very  sadness,  and  thus  contribute  a  sanction  to  the 
practice  I  would  fain  abolish.  The  evil  is  sub- 
versive of  the  first  principle  of  society.  Is  it  little 
to  hunger  for  the  bread  of  wisdom,  and  to  be  fed 
with  the  husks  of  folly  ?  Is  it  little  to  thirst  for 


96 


ON  THE  VICE  0V  PUNNING. 


the  Castalian  fount,  and  see  its  waters  idly  wasted 
in  sport  or  malice?  Is  it  little  to  seek  for  the  in- 
terchange of  souls,  and  find  only  the  reciprocity  of 
nonsense  ? 


P.  S.  By  BERNARD  BLACKMANTLE. 

To  which  complaint,  I  add  this  note 
And  sketch,  by  way  of  antidote, 
The  glorious  art  can  life  enhance, 
A  Pun  will  cause  a  Bear  to  dance, 
And  as  we  here  have  proof, — provoke 
A  bashful  man  to  stand  a  joke. 


EXAMPLES    IN    PUNNING, 


ROYAL,  NOBLE,  AND  EMINENT 
PERSONS. 


THE  PUNSTER  8  BOWL. 

The  sovereign  medicine  of  life, 

The  antidote  to  care  and  strife — 

Is  friendship,  and  the  cheerful  bowl, 

When  humour  meets  a  kindred  soul : 

Then  flows  the  epigram,  and  pun, 

From  starry  eve,  to  morning's  sun ; 

And  Laughter,  "  holding  both  his  sides," 

The  rubs  and  jeers  of  life  derides. 

Then  honest  hearts,  elate  with  glee, 

Forget  the  world,  and  black  ennui; 

For  nought  like  punch,  and  puns,  can  drown, 

The  supercilious  rich  man's  frown, 

Or  free  the  heart,  a  prey  to  care, 

From  fortune's  ills  and  fell  despair. 

BERNARD  BLACKMANTLE. 


EXAMPLES  IN  PUNNING. 

The  seeds  of  punning  are  in  the  minds  of  all  men." 

Addixon,  Spectator,  No.  61. 


ROYAL  PUNS. 

EIGHT    DIVINE. 

AMONG  the  few  highly  favoured  individuals  who 
were  included  in  the  select  evening  parties  of  his 
present  Majesty,  George  the  Fourth,  while  at 
the  Pavilion,  Brighton,  was  the  facetious  Reverend 
J.  Wright.  On  one  occasion  the  king  suggested 
to  his  brother,  the  Duke  of  York,  some  intention 
he  had  of  doing  a  particular  act,  to  which  the  duke 
dissented,  and  his  Majesty  referred  to  the  D.  D. 
on  which  the  reverend  jocularly  observed,  "  The 
king  can  do  no  wrong.""  Then,  said  his  Majesty, 
"  Fred.  I  shall  pursue  my  object,  for  you  hear  I 
have  *  Wright  Divine*  on  my  side." 

COOKE  AND  KITCHEN. 

Sir  George  C.,  better  known  as  Col.  C.,  was  said 
to  have  had  an  intrigue  with  a  Mrs.  Kitchen. 
When  the  king  was  told  of  it,  he  said,  "  It  wns 

H2 


100  EXAMPLES  IN  PUNNING. 

very  natural  that  a  Cooke  should  be  fond  of  Kitchen 
stuff",  but  if  he  meddles  with  the  Coles  he  will  get 
out  of  the  frying-pan  into  the  fire.""  The  Coles 
were  cousins  to  the  lady. 

A  DOWN    HILL   PUN. 

Sir  George  Hill,  the  vice-treasurer  of  Ireland, 
and  a  near  relative  to  the  Londonderry  family,  was 
among  the  visitors  at  the  Pavilion.  Dr.  Tierney 
remarked,  that  Sir  George  was  getting  old  and 
feeble — "  If  I  mistake  not,'1  replied  the  king,  "  he 
is  going  down  hill  very  rapidly."" 

"  HUME  and  CHOKER  had  a  sharp  contest  last 
night,""  said  the  Earl  of  Liverpool  to  his  Majesty, 
"  but  it  ended  in  smoke?  "  I  don't  wonder  at  that," 
replied  the  monarch  ;  "  The  Fire  of  Croker  was 
sure  to  smoke  like  Irish  tfwr/'beneath  the  weight  of 
Scotch  Hume-i-dity" 

SIR  EDMUND  NAGLE  said  he  wondered  that  the 
king  of  France  did  not  feel  offended  at  the  squibs 
let  off  against  him  in  the  English  newspapers. 
"  Pshaw  !"  said  the  king,  "  he  would  be  a  fool 
indeed  to  be  frightened  at  a  squib  in  London, 


EXAMPLE^TN  PUNNING.  101 

when  at  Paris  he  is  sitting  on  a  barrel  of  gun- 
powder." 

LORD  ELDON'S  PUNNING  JEU  D'ESPRIT. 
In  an  application  to  his  Lordship  for  an  in- 
junction to  restrain  the  proprietors  of  the  "  Ga- 
zette of  Fashion"  from  selling  the  song  of  "  We're 
a1  Noddin,"  the  Chancellor  perceiving  the  trifling 
nature  of  the  cause,  after  hearing  the  defendant, 
observed,  "  I  will  dismiss  both  parties,  by  granting 
an  injunction  against  Cease  your  Funning" 

LORD  STOWELL, 

On  a  recent  occasion,  having  taken  his  seat  in 
the  Admiralty  Court,  inquired  separately  of  the 
advocates,  if  they  had  any  motion  to  move :  and 
being  answered  in  the  negative,  the  judge  very 
good  humouredly  replied,  "  Then,  gentlemen,  the 
best  thing  we  can  do  will  be  to  move  ourselves" 

GEORGE  CANNING  AND  EARL  BATHURST. 

Kicking  the  Bucket. 

As  the  Earl  Bathurst  and  George  Canning  were 
walking  along  Pall  Mall,  the  Earl  struck  his  foot, 
by  accident,  against  a  small  pail,  (which  some 


102  EXAMPLES  IN  PCNNING. 

careless  servant  had  left  at  the  door),  and  turned  it 
over  ;  "  Why,  your  lordship  has  kicked  the  bucket? 
said  the  facetious  orator ;  "  No,  not  so  bad  as  that, 
George,"  replied  the  witty  earl,  "  Tve  only  turned 
a  little  pale  (i.  e.  pail)" 

LORD  ERSKINE. 

Few  persons  ever  enjoyed  a  greater  facility  of 
punning  upon  the  ancient  languages  than  his  lord- 
ship. For  instance,  on  one  of  the  articles  of  his 
breakfast  apparatus,  Lord  E.  had  inscribed  Tu 
doces>  literally  Thou — Tea— Chest. 

THE  DUKE  OF  WELLINGTON  IN  ACTION. 

"  Your  Grace  speaks  without  reason,  and  too 
much  in  a  passion"  said  a  Spanish  brunette  to 
whom  he  had  made  a  proposal,  and  was  pressing  it 
somewhat  close,  "  Ah  !  my  dear  little  angel,"  said 
the  great  captain,  "  reason  has  nothing  to  do  with 
lov e ;  and  passion  is  very  desirable  when  we  are  on 
the  point  of  entering"  into  immediate  action." 

TURN  IN  'AND  TURN  OUT. 

A  noble  lord  who  was  aide-de-camp  to  the  Duke 
of  Wellington,  visited  the  Duke  early  on  the  morning 


EXAMPLES  IN  PUNNING.  103 

of  the  battle  of  Salamanca,  and  perceiving  him  lying 
on  a  very  small  camp  bedstead,  observed  that  his 
Grace  "  had  not  room  to  turn  himself.11  The  Duke 
immediately  replied,  "  When  you  have  lived  as 
long  as  I  have,  you  will  know  that  when  a  man 
thinks  of  turning  in  his  bed,  it  is  time  he  should 
turn  out  of  it." 

THE  DUCHESS  OF  DEVONSHIRE 

Being  told  that  a  great  public  defaulter  had  mar- 
ried his  kept-mistress,  observed,  "  That  fellow  is 
always  robbing  the  public.'''' 


KOGEHS  ON   TASTE. 

When  the  Marquis  of  Hertford  opened  his 
splendid  hotel  in  Piccadilly,  Mrs.  Coutts  was  one 
of  the  visitors  present — much  to  the  annoyance  of 
certain  of  our  fair  nobility.  In  reply  to  an  ob- 
servation of  hers,  upon  the  splendour  and  magni- 
ficence of  the  furniture  and  decorations,  Rogers 
archly  remarked,  that,  "  besides  splendour,  there 
was  so  much  good  taste  in  the  ornaments  and  so- 
ciety— every  thing  in  the  rooms  was  so  chaste  and 
delicate" 


104  EXAMPLES  IN  PUNNING. 

LADY  HAMILTON. 

The  beautiful  Lady  Hamilton  having  at  her 
table  given  "  Mr.  Abraham  Goldsmidt"  as  a  toast, 
and  Lord  Nelson  only  half  filling  his  glass,  she 
.cried,  "  Come,  come,  my  Lord,  you  must  not 
sham  Abraham."" 

JACK  BANNISTER  AND  THE  GOUT. 

A  friend  consoling  with  the  comedian  during  a 
severe  attack  of  the  gout,  observed,  that  the  disease 
prolonged  life,  and  added,  "  Any  body  might  take 
a  lease  of  yours.""  "  Then  it  must  be,"  quoth  Jack 
writhing  with  pain,  "  at  a  rack  rent" 

HOSPITALITY. 

Jack  Bannister,  praising  the  hospitalities  of  the 
Irish,  after  his  return  from  a  trip  to  the  sister 
kingdom,  was  asked  if  he  had  ever  been  at  Cork  ? 
"  No,"  replied  the  wit,  "  but  I  have  seen  a  great 
many  drawings  of  it." 

LUTTRELL  AND  ROGERS. 

Luttrell  and  Sam  Rogers  met  together  at  the 
Chinese  Saloon  the  other  day.  "  This  must  be  a 
famous  speculation,"  said  Sam  ;  "  I  think  the  pro- 
prietor of  the  Anatomie  Vivante  should  take  his 
motto  from  my  favourite  epistle  in  Horace — 

'  Aunonae  prosit — 
Vir  BONUS.'  " 


EXAMPLES  IN  PUNNING.  105 

"  Why,"  said  Luttrell,  "  I  think  the  man  a  hum- 
bug ;  you'll  find  plenty  of  living  skeletons  in  our 
hospitals — so  I  think  a  better  motto  may  be  found 
for  him  in  the  same  epistle,  which  you  have  quoted 

so  often — 

'  Vir  BONUS  est  QUIZ.'  " 

THE  RIGHT  HONOURABLE  CHARLES  JAMES  FOX. 

C.  J.Fox,  and  Mr.  Hare,  his  friend,both  much  in- 
commoded by  duns,  were  together  in  a  house,  when 
seeing  some  very  shabby  men  about  the  door,  they 
were  afraid  they  were  bailiffs  in  search  of  them. 
Not  knowing  which  was  in  danger,  and  wishing  to 
ascertain  it,  Fox  opened  the  window,  and  calling  to 
them,  said,  "  Pray,  gentlemen,  are  you  Fox-hunt- 
ing,  or  Hare-hunting  ?"" 

LORD  ROSS. 

The  witty  Lord  Ross  having  spent  all  his  money 
in  London,  set  out  for  Ireland  in  order  to  recruit 
his  purse.  On  his  way  he  happened  to  meet  with 
Sir  Murrough  O'Brien,  driving  for  the  capital  in 
a  lofty  phaeton,  with  six  fine  dun-coloured  horses. 
"  Sir  Murrough,"  exclaimed  his  Lordship,  "  what 
a  contrast  between  you  and  me  !  I  have  left  my 
duns  behind  me  ;  you  are  driving  your  duns  be- 
fore you. 


106  EXAMPLES  IN  PUNNING. 

DR.  JOHNSON. 

Early  one  morning,  the  Doctor  passing  by  the 
end  of  the  Old  Bailey,  observed  a  great  crowd  col- 
lected, and  upon  inquiring  of  Boswell  what  it 
meant,  was  informed  that  one  Vowel  was  going  to 
be  hanged  for  forgery.  "  Well,""  replied  the 
Doctor,  "  it  is  very  clear,  Bozzy,  that  it  is  neither 
(/nor//1 

AN  UNFORTUNATE  CELEBRITY. 

Dr.  Johnson. 

A  pert  young  fellow  who  had  made  some  abor- 
tive attempts  as  an  author,  and  notwithstanding 
the  shallowness  of  his  pretensions,  was  on  excellent 
terms  with  himself,  had  long  been  labouring  for  an 
opportunity  of  being  introduced  to  the  Doctor,  and 
at  length  succeeded  in  obtaining  an  invitation  to 
Mr.  Thrale's.  Having  taken  proper  means  to  be 
frequently  accosted  by  his  name,  which,  in  his  own 
fond  imagination,  was  "j'ama  super  athera  notum" 
he  sat  for  some  time  in  expectation  of  being  ac- 
costed by  the  Lexicographer.  Finding,  however, 
that  his  hopes  were  vain,  he  at  length  ventured  to 
break  the  ice.  Approaching  the  Doctor  with  a 
smile  of  self-sufficiency,  "  My  name,  Doctor  John- 
son," said  he,  "is  -  — ;  you  have  probably 


EXAMPLES  IN  PUNNING.  107 

heard  of  me  as  being  of  some  celebrity  in  the  liter- 
ary world.'1  "  Yes,  I  have  indeed,"  was  the  sar- 
castic reply  he  received,  "  of  very  unfortunate 
celebrity? 

DR.  PARR  ON  WANTS. 

The  Doctor  used  to  say,  that  a  man's  happiness 
was  secure  in  proportion  to  the  small  number  of 
his  wants ;  and  he  added,  that,  all  his  life,  he  had 
endeavoured  to  prevent  the  multiplication  of  them 
in  himself.  A  Mr.  KETCH,  on  hearing  this,  said 
to  him,  "  Then,  Doctor,  your  secret  of  happiness 
is,  to  cut  down  your  zvants"  "  Suspend  your 
puns,  Mr.  Ketch?  said  the  Doctor,  "  and  /  will 
drop  you  the  hint :  My  secret  is,  not  to  let  them 
groiv  up? 

GEORGE  COLMAN. 

George  Colman  being  once  asked  if  he  were  ac- 
quainted with  Theodore  Hook,  replied,  "  Oh  yes  ; 
Hook  and  I  (eye)  are  old  associates." 

JAMES  SMITH,    ESQ.    ON  SPRING  AND  SUMMER. 

"  We  shall  jump  into  summer  all  at  once,"  said  a 
friend  to  James  Smith,  one  very  fine  day  in  the 
early  part  of  the  year.  "  Stop,"  said  the  punster, 
"  if  it  is  leap  year,  you  must  take  a  good  spring 
first." 


10$  EXAMPLES-  IN  PUNNING. 


SHIELD  AND  SIR  GEORGE  SMART THE  SCORE 

OF  MERIT. 

Shield  the  composer,  on  the  occasion  of  Sir 
George  Smart  being  knighted,  said,  "  It  must 
have  been  on  the  merit  of  his  score  *,  and  not  on 
the  score  of  his  merit" 

MR.  WILLIAM  SPENCER. 

Classical  Pun. 

As  William  Spencer  was  contemplating  the  ca- 
ricatures at  Fores's  one  day,  somebody  pointed  out 
to  him  Cruickshanks's  design  of  the  "  Ostend 
packet  in  a  squall ;"  when  the  wit,  without  at  all 
sympathizing  with  the  nausea  visible  on  some  of 
the  faces  represented  in  the  print,  exclaimed, 

"  Quodcunque  Ostendis  mihi  sic  incredulus  odi." 
REYNOLDS  THE  DRAMATIST. 

The  amiable  Mrs.  W.  always  insists  that  her 
friends  who  take  grog,  should  mix  equal  quantities 

*  The  title  was  bestowed  by  the  Duke  of  Richmond,  then 
Lord  Lieutenant  of  Ireland,  who  it  is  known  was  not  over 
rich. 


EXAMPLES  IN  PUNNING.  109 

of  spirits  and  water,  though  she  never  observes  the 
rule  for  herself.  Reynolds  having  once  made  a 
glass  under  her  directions,  was  asked  by  the  lady — 
"Pray,  Sir,  is  it— As  You  Like  It?"—"  No, 
Madam,"  replied  the  dramatist,  "  it  is — Measure 
for  Measure? 

HENDERSON  AND  THE  TWO  GARRICKS. 

The  Tatler,  Spectator,  and  Guardian. 
The  first  time  that  Henderson,  the  player,  re- 
hearsed a  part  at  Drury  Lane,  George  Garrick 
came  into  the  boxes,  saying  as  he  entered,  "  I  only 
come  as  a  spectator."  Soon  after  he  made  some 
objection  to  Henderson's  playing,  when  the  young 
actor  retorted — "  Sir,  I  thought  you  were  only  to 
be  a  Spectator  ,•  instead  of  that  you  are  turning 
Tatler?  "  Never  mind  him,  Sir,"  said  David 
Garrick,  "never  mind  him,  let  him  be  what  he 
will,  I'll  be  the  Guardian" 

ANDREW  CHERRY  THE  COMEDIAN. 

The  late  Mr.  A.  Cherry,  comedian,  was  written 
to  some  years  since,  with  an  offer  for  a  good  en- 
gagement from  a  manager,  who,  on  a  former  occa- 
sion, had  not  behaved  altogether  well  to  him. 


110  EXAMPLES  IN  PUNNING. 

Cherry  sent  him  word,  that  he  had  been  bit  by  him 
once,  and  lie  was  resolved,  that  he  should  not  make 
two  bites  of  A.  Cherry. 

MR.  JEKYLL'S  PUN  ON  MR.  RAINE. 
Mr.  Jekyll  being  told  the  other  day,  that  Mr. 
Raine,  the  barrister,  was  engaged  as  the  opposing 
counsel  for  a  Mr.  Hay,  inquired,   "  If  Raine  was 
ever  known  to  do  any  good  to  Hay  ?  " 

RALPH  WEWITZER  THE  PUNSTER. 

A  Fault  in  Candles. 

Ralph  Wewitzer,  ordering  a  box  of  candles,  said 
he  hoped  they  would  be  better  than  the  last.  The 
chandler  said  he  was  very  sorry  to  hear  them  com- 
plained of,  as  they  were  as  good  as  he  could  make. 
"  Why,"  says  Ralph,  t(  they  were  very  well  till 
about  half  burnt  down,  but  after  that  they  would 
not  burn  any  longer." 

C.  J.  FOX  AND  BURKE  ON  THE  "  SUBLIME  AND 
BEAUTIFUL." 

Mr.  Fox  supped  one  evening  with  Edmund 
Burke,  at  the  Thatched  House,  where  they  were 
served  with  dishes  more  elegant  than  substantial. 


EXAMPLES  IN  PUNNING.          Ill 

Charles's  appetite  being  rather  keen,  he  was  far 
from  relishing  the  kickshaws  that  were  set  before 
him,  and  addressing  his  companion — "  These 
dishes,  Burke,"  said  he,  "  are  admirably  calcu- 
lated for  your  palate — they  are  both  sublime  and 
beautiful.'1'1 

HORNE  TOOKE  AND  DR.  PARR  ON  "  TIT  BITS."" 

Home  Tooke,  author  of  the  Epea  Pteroenta, 
was  remarkable  for  the  readiness  of  his  repartees 
in  conversation.  He  once  received  an  invitation 
to  a  dinner  party  to  meet  the  celebrated  Dr.  Parr. 
"  What !"  said  Home  Tooke,  "  go  to  meet  a 
country  schoolmaster,  a  mere  man  of  Greek  and 
Latin  scraps !  that  will  never  do."  Some  time 
after  tljis,  he  met  Dr.  Parr  in  the  street,  and  ad- 
dressed him  with,  "  Ah  !  my  dear  Parr,  is  it  you? 
how  gratified  I  am  to  see  you  !"  "  What,  me?11 
replied  Parr,  "  a  mere  country  schoolmaster,  a 
man  of  Greek  and  Latin  scraps  ?"  "  Oh  my  good 
friend,"  rejoined  Home  Tooke  immediately,  "  those 
who  told  you  that  never  understood  me ;  when  I 
spoke  of  the  scraps  I  meant  the  tit-bits" 


EXAMPLES  IN  PUNNING. 

CURRAN'S  CULINARY  JOKE. 
During  Lord  Westmoreland's  administration, 
when  a  number  of  new  corps  were  raised  in  Ire- 
land (and  given  as  jobs  and  political  favours),  it 
was  observed,  that,  when  inspected  there,  the  esta- 
blishment of  each  regiment  was  nominally  reported 
to  be  complete  at  embarkation  for  England,  but 
when  landed  at  the  other  side,  many  of  them  had 
not  a  quarter  of  their  numbers.  "  No  wonder," 
said  Mr.  Curran,  "  for  after  being  mustered,  they 
are  afraid  of  being  peppered,  and  off  they  fly,  not 
wishing  to  pay  for  the  roast" 

COUNSELLOR  DUNNING  OVER-DONE. 

A  gentleman  being  severely  cross-examined  by 
Mr.  Dunning,  who  asked  him  repeatedly  if  he 
did  not  li ve  within  the  verge  of  the  court,  at  length 
answered  that  he  did.  {<  And  pray,  sir,"  said 
Dunning,  "  why  did  you  take  up  your  residence 
in  that  place  ?"  — "  In  order  to  avoid  the  imperti- 
nence of  dunning"  answered  the  witness. 

LORD  CHANCELLOR  ELDON  AND  THE  LANCET. 

Bleeding  in  Chancery. 

On  a  motion  to  dissolve  the  injunction  obtained 
against  that  useful  work  the  Lancet,  the  Lord 


EXAMPLES  IN  PUNNING.  113 

Chancellor  sent  it  to  the  Vice,  and  "  hoped  there 
would  be  no  more  bleeding"  to  which  Mr.  Hart 
replied,  not  much,  as  there  was  only  one  operator 
retained  by  each  side.  Ay,  but,  said  his  lordship, 
they  may  stick  to  their  patient  like  a  LEACH. 


R.  B.  SHERIDAN    AND    THE    PRINCE    OF    WALES,    OR 
ONE  SWALLOW  DOES  NOT  MAKE  A  SUMMER. 

One  wintry  day,  the  Prince  of  Wales  went  into 
the  Thatched  House  Tavern,  and  ordered  a  steak  : 
"  But  (said  his  Royal  Highness),  I  am  devilish 
cold,  bring  me  a  glass  of  hot  brandy  and  water." 
He  swallowed  it,  another,  and  another.  "  Now, 
(said  he)  I  am  comfortable,  bring  my  steak."  On 
which  Mr.  Sheridan  took  out  his  pencil,  and  wrote 
the  following  impromptu,: — 

The  Prince  came  in,  said  it  was  cold, 
Then  put  to  his  head  the  rummer ; 

Till  swallow  after  swallow  came, 
When  he  pronounced  it  summer. 

CHARLES  BANNISTER. 

Charles  meeting  a  thief-taker  with  a  man  in  his 
custody,  and  asking  his  offence,  was  told  he  had 
stolen  a  bridle.  "  Then  (said  Charles)  he  wanted 
to  touch  the  bit" 

i 


114  EXAMPLES  IN  PUNNING. 

WILBERFORCE   AND   SHERIDAN  ON   DRINKING. 

That  very  sober  pious  personage,  Mr.  Wilber- 
force,  reproved  his  friend  Sheridan  thus:  "  My 
good  Sir,  (said  he)  you  have  drunk  a  little  too 
much.'1''  "  Have  I  ?  (hiccupped  the  other)  and  you, 
my  good  Sir,  have  drunk  much  too  little.'1'' 

THE    FACETIOUS    CALEB  WHITFOORD. 

The  late  Caleb  Whitfoord,  seeing  a  lady  knot- 
ting fringe  for  a  petticoat,  asked  her,  what  she  was 
doing?  "  Knotting,  Sir,  (replied  she;)  pray  Mr. 
Whitfoord,  can  you  knot?1"  He  answered,  "  / 
can-not.'1'' 

JUDGE  JEFFERIES  BEARDED. 

The  judge  told  an  old  man  with  a  long  beard,  who 
was  being  examined  as  a  witness,  that  he  "  supposed 
he  had  a  conscience  as  long  as  his  beard.""  If,  replied 
the  old  man,  we  were  all  to  be  judged  of  by  that 
rule,  your  lordship  would  be  deemed  a  most  un- 
conscionable judge  *. 

LORD  CHESTERFIELD  AND  LORD  TYRAWLEY. 

"  Sic  sine  Morte  Mori"  was  given  by  some  wag 
as  a  toast,  when  Lord  Chesterfield  and  Lord  Ty- 

*  Jefferics  had  no  beard. 


EXAMPLES  IN  PUNNINO.  115 

rawley  were  both  present,  at  a  very  advanced  age, 
when  Lord  Chesterfield  said,  "  Tyrawley  and  I 
have  been  dead  these  two  years;  but  we  don't 
choose  to  have  it  known." 

SAM  FOOTE  ON  PLAYING  TOO  HIGH. 

A  German  baron  at  a  gaming-house,  being  de- 
tected in  an  odd  trick,  one  of  the  players  fairly 
threw  him  out  of  the  one  pair  of  stairs  window. 
On  this  outrage  he  took  the  advice  of  Foote,  who 
told  him  u  never  play  so  high  again."" 

FELIX  M'CARTHY. 

Felix  M'Carthy  passing  through  Clement's  Inn, 
and  receiving  abuse  from  some  impudent  clerks, 
was  advised  to  complain  to  the  Principal,  which  he 
did  thus :  "  I  have  been  abused  here  by  some  of 
the  rascals  of  this  inn,  and  I  come  to  acquaint  you 
of  it,  as  I  understand  you  are  the  Principal" 

TIERNEY   V.    FOX. 

Mr.  Fox,  in  the  course  of  a  speech,  said,  "  If  any 
thing  on  my  part,  or  on  the  part  of  those  with  whom 
I  acted,  was  an  obstruction  to  peace,  I  could  not 
lie  on  my  pillow  with  ease."  George  Tierney  (then 
in  administration)  whispered  to  his  neighbour,  "  If 
he  could  not  lie  on  his  pillow  with  ease,  he  can  lie 
in  this  house  with  ease." 

i  2 


116  EXAMPLES  IN  FUNNING. 

LEE  LEWIS  ON   THE  GAME  LAWS. 

Lee  Lewis  shooting  in  a  field,  the  proprietor  at- 
tacked him  :  "  I  allow  no  person  (said  he)  to  kill 
game  on  my  manor  but  myself;  and  I'll  shoot  you, 
if  I  find  you  here  again."  "  What!  (said  the 
comedian)  do  you  mean  to  make  game  of  me  T"1 

CALEB  WHITFOORD   AND   HIS    NEPHEW. 

The  late  Caleb  Whitfoord,  finding  his  nephew, 
Charles  Smith,  playing  the  violin,  the  following 
hits  took  place : 

W.  I  fear,  Charles,  you  lose  a  great  deal  of  time 
with  this  fiddling. 

S.  Sir,  I  endeavour  to  keep  time. 

W.  You  mean  rather  to  kill  time. 

S.  No,  I  only  beat  time. 

JOHN   KEMBLE    MUEDERING  TIME. 

When  Kemble  was  rehearsing  the  romance  sung 
by  Richard  Cceur  de  Lion,  Shaw,  the  leader  of 
the  band,  called  out  from  the  orchestra,  "  Mr. 
Kemble,  my  dear  Mr.  Kemble,  you  are  murdering 
time.'1'1  Kemble,  calmly  and  coolly  taking  a  pinch 
of  snuft',  said,  "  My  dear  Sir,  it  is  better  for  me  to 
murder  Time  at  once  than  be  continually  beating 
him  as  you  do." 

SHERIDAN  ON  LOVE  FOR  LOVE. 

Sheridan  complained  that  Congreve's  "  Love  for 


EXAMPLES  IN  PUNNING.  117 

Love"  had  been  so  much  altered  and  modified  to  suit 
the  delicate  ears  of  modern  mawkishness,  that  it  was 
quite  spoiled.  It  is  now  (said  he)  like  modern 
marriages,  with  very  little  of  "  Love  for  Love"  in 
it.  "  His  plays,""  said  the  wit,  "  are,  I  own,  some- 
what licentious,  but  it  is  barbarous  to  mangle  them  : 
they  are  like  horses ;  when  you  deprive  them  of  their 
vice,  they  lose  their  vigour." 

THE    MORNING   POST    ON   PREFERMENT. 

An  auctioneer  having  turned  publican,  was  soon 
after  thrown  into  the  King's  Bench  ;  on  which  the 
following  paragraph  appeared  in  the  Morning  Post : 
"  Mr.  A.,  who  lately  quitted  the  pulpit  for  the  bar, 
has  been  promoted  to  the  bench" 

SIR  J.  PARNELL 

Became  a  general  toast  in  Ireland  after  the  Union, 
by  which  he  lost  his  place,  or,  as  he  once  said,  "  his 
bread  and  butter."  When  lamenting  his  loss,  he 
was  told,  "  Ah  !  but  it's  amply  made  up  to  you  in 
toast" 

HORACE  TWISS,  M.  P. 

A  special  Pun. 

Mr.  Twiss  being  one  evening  in  the  boxes  of 
Covent  Garden  theatre,  to  see  Macbeth  :  when  the 
hero  questions  the  witches  what  they  are  doing, 


118  EXAMPLES  IN  PUNNING. 

they  answer,  *'  a  deed  without  a  name."  Our  coun- 
sellor, whose  attention  was  at  that  moment  directed 
more  to  Coke  upon  Littleton  than  Shakspeare, 
catching,  however,  the  actor's  words,  repeated,  "  A 
deed  without  a  name !  why,  'tis  void." 

RALPH     WEWITZER. 

The  comedian  meeting  a  young  friend,  observed 
how  well  he  looked.  "  Ay,  (says  the  other)  I  have 
a  rare  good  appetite,  and  I  take  care  that  it  be 
well  satisfied ;  in  the  first  place,  every  morning  I 
eat  a  great  deal  to  breakfast."  "  Then  (observes 
the  former)  I  presume  you  breakfast  in  a  timber- 
yard.^ 

JOHN  BANNISTER  NO  SHOOTER. 

A  few  years  ago,  it  will  be  remembered,  that  Mr. 
John  Bannister  nearly  lost  his  arm  by  the  bursting 
of  a  fowling-piece.  Shortly  after  he  observed  to  a 
friend,  "  I  may  be  an  actor,  but  I  will  not  attempt 
to  be  a  Shooter? 

LORD  NELSON'S  ARMS. 

The  master  of  the  Wrestler's  Inn,  at  Yarmouth, 
having  solicited  Lord  Nelson  to  permit  him  to  put 
up  his  arms,  and  change  the  name  of  the  inn  to 
The  Nelson  Hotel ;  his  lordship  returned  for  an- 
swer, that  he  was  perfectly  welcome  to  his  name, 
but  he  must  be  sensible  that  he  had  no  arms  to 
npare. 


EXAMPLES  IN  PUNNING.  Ill) 

SOME  OF  CURRAN'S  BEST. 

A  severe  Irish  judge,  being  at  dinner  among  an 
assemblage  of  lawyers,  Mr.  Curran  asked  his  lord- 
ship, if  he  should  have  the  pleasure  of  helping  him 
to  a  slice  of  pickled  tongue  which  stood  before  him. 
"  If  it  were  hung  (said  his  lordship),  I  would  try 
it.'1  "  If  you  were  to  try  it  (replied  Curran),  it 
would  be  sure  to  be  hung." 

CURRAN'S  COVENTRY  JOKE. 
On  some  one  proposing  to  send  an  Irish  barrister 
to  "  Coventry"  for  refusing  to  fight  a  duel, "  Sure," 
said  the  wit,  "  that  is  carrying  the  joke  a  little 
toofar." 

CAPITAL  JOKES. 

While  a  counsellor  was  pleading  at  the  Irish  bar, 
a  louse  unluckily  peeped  from  under  his  wig. 
Curran,  who  sat  next  to  him,  whispered  what  he 
saw.  "  You  joke,""  said  the  barrister.  "  If  (re- 
plied Mr.  Curran)  you  have  many  such  jokes  in 
your  head,  the  sooner  you  crack  them  the  better.11 

ON  DISCIPLINE. 

MacNally  was  very  lame,  and  when  walking,  he 
had  an  unfortunate  limp.  At  the  time  of  the  Re- 
bellion he  was  seized  with  a  military  ardour,  and 
when  the  different  volunteer  corps  were  forming  in 


120  EXAMPLES  IN  PUNNING. 

Dublin,  that  of  the  lawyers  was  organized.  Meet- 
ing with  Curran,  MacNally  said,  "  My  dear  friend, 
these  are  not  times  for  a  man  to  be  idle ;  I  am  de- 
termined to  enter  the  Lawyers1  Corps,  and  follow 
the  camp."  "  You  follow  the  camp,  my  little  limb 
of  the  law  !"  said  the  wit,  "  tut,  tut,  renounce  the 
idea ;  you  never  can  be  a  disciplinarian.""  "  And 
why  not,  Mr.  Curran  ?"  said  MacNally.  "  For 
this  reason,"  said  Curran,  "  the  moment  you  were 
ordered  to  march  you  would  halt." 

LORD  NORTH'S  PUN  CLASSICAL. 
A  gentleman  told  Lord  North,  that  from  a  va- 
riety of  losses,  he  had  found  himself  compelled  to 
reduce  his  establishment.  "  And  what  (said  his 
lordship)  have  you  done  with  the  fine  mare  you 
used  to  ride?"  "  I  have  sold  her."  «  Then  you 
have  not  attended  to  Horace's  maxim  : 

'  EQUAJI  memento  rebus  in  arduis 
Servure'  " 

MANNERS  EARL  OF  RUTLAND. 

Manners  Earl  of  Rutland  meeting  Sir  Thomas 
More,  shortly  after  their  mutual  preferment,  and 
thinking  he  assumed  rather  a  haughty  carriage,  ob- 
served, "  Honores  mutant  Mores.'1''  "  No,  my  lord 
(said  Sir  Thomas),  the  pun  will  be  much  better  in 
English,  Honors  change  Manners." 


EXAMPLES  IN  PUNNING.         121 
LORD  BYEON  TO  ROGERS  ON  PUNNING. 

Lord  Byron  observed  to  Rogers,  that  punning 
was  the  lowest  species  of  wit.  "  True  (said  the 
other),  it  is  the  foundation" 

THE  ARCH-BISHOP  AND  HIS  ARCH-CURATE. 

Pun  beneficial. 

Sir  William  Dawes,  archbishop  of  York,  de- 
lighted in  a  good  pun.  His  clergy  dining  with 
him  the  first  time  after  the  decease  of  his  lady,  he 
said  he  feared  the  company  would  not  find  things 
in  so  good  order  as  they  were  in  the  time  of  poor 
Mary,  adding  with  a  sigh,  "  Ah  !  she  was  indeed 
Mare  Pacificum?  A  curate,  who  pretty  well  knew 
the  truth  of  the  matter,  got  himself  completely  into 
favour  by  observing,  "  Ay,  my  lord,  but  she  was 
first  Mare  Mortuum" 

'    DR.  GOLDSMITH  AND  SIR  JOSHUA  REYNOLDS. 

A  pun  spoiled. 

At  a  dinner  of  wits,  a  dish  of  pease  was  brought 
in,  become  almost  grey  with  age.  "  Carry  these 
pease  to  Kensington !"  said  one  of  the  party.  "  Why 
to  Kensington  ?"  said  another.  "  Because  it's  the 
way  to  TurrCem  green?  Dr.  Goldsmith  going 
home  in  the  evening  with  Sir  Joshua  Reynolds, 
observed,  that  he  would  have  given  five  pounds  to 
make  so  excellent  a  pun.  "  You  shall  have  the 
opportunity  (said  the  knight)  on  Tuesday,  when 


122  EXAMPLES  IN  PUNNING. 

you  are  to  dine  with  me,  and  none  of  the  same 
company  will  be  present."  Tuesday  came,  and 
the  dinner  was  served  up ;  amongst  the  other 
dishes  a  plate  of  pease  of  the  same  description. 
"  Carry  these  peas  to  Kensington,"  said  Goldie. 
"  Why  so  ?"  "  Because  it's  the  way  to  make  them 
green  /" 

DR.  BROWN'S  TOAST. 

Dr.  B.  long  but  unsuccessfully  paid  his  addresses 
to  a  young  lady,  whom  he  used  always  to  give  as 
a  toast.  Dining  one  day  with  a  friend,  the  latter 
filling  his  glass,  said,  "  Come,  doctor,  I'll  give  you 
your  favourite  toast."  He  answered,  "  You  may 
do  as  you  please ;  but  for  myself,  I  have  already 
toasted  her  too  long  without  being  able  to  make  her 
Brown."1"1 

R.  PEAKE  TO  R.  MARTIN,  M.  P. 

"  Sir,"  said  the  humane  M.  P.  to  the  facetious 
dramatist  (praising  his  own  bill),  "  instead  of  the 
drovers  inhumanly  beating  the  poor  bastes  as  for- 
merly, you  will  shortly  see  them  applying  opodeldoc 
to  their  wounds."  "  Ay ;""  rejoined  the  punster, 
"  Steer's  of  Cory-lane."" 

R.  PEAKE  AND  WINSTON. 

The  punster,  having  occasion  to  call  upon  the 
stage  manager  of  Drury  Lane,  was  shown  into  his 
room,  when  the  servant  remarked,  "  he  feared  Mr. 


EXAMPLES  IN  PUNNING.  123 

Winston  had  left  the  theatre."  Peake  observing  a 
stage  screw  lying  upon  the  table  before  him,  took  it 
up  and  replied,  "  I  perceive  he  has  left  his  card 
and  name  behind  him." 

ARNOLD  AND  PEAKE. 

A  person  observing  that  Mr.  Arnold,  the  pro- 
prietor of  the  English  Opera,  was  an  ill-tempered 
man,  but  a  fortunate  one,  Charles  Westmacott 
replied,  "  he  knew  that  to  be  true,  for  he  was  in- 
debted for  both  his  cash  and  success  to  pique" 
(Peake  his  dramatist  and  treasurer.) 

PEAKE'S  "  STOUT  MAN" 

Appeared  originally  during  the  oppressive  heat  of 
the  season  1825,  at  the  English  Opera  House:  when 
Arnold  observing  that  the  piece  did  not  run  ac- 
cording to  his  expectations,  Peake  dryly  replied, 
"  How  can  you  expect  a  stout  man  to  run  in  such 
very  hot  weather?" 

CHARLES  BANNISTER  AND  PARSONS. 

The  late  Mr.  Charles  Bannister  going  with  Mr. 
Parsons  into  a  shop  where  there  was  an  electric  eel, 
the  latter  said,  "  Charles,  what  sort  of  a  pie  would 
that  eel  make  ?"  He  answered,  "  A  shock-ing  one? 

THE  RIGHT  HON.   G.  CANNING  ON  RESOURCES. 

Mr.  Canning  seeing  a  certain  nobleman  rowing 
a  wherry  on  the  Thames,  with  all  the  power  and 
skill  of  a  waterman,  observed,  "  Your  grace  is 


124  EXAMPLES  IN  PUNNING. 

certainly  prepared  for  the  worst  extremities,  for 
by  your  skull  you  could  always  keep  your  head 
above  water" 

BEN  JONSON  AND  THE  COUNTRYMAN. 

Simplicity  v.  Wit. 

A  country  booby  boasting  of  the  numerous  acres 
he  enjoyed,  Ben  Jonson  peevishly  told  him,  "  For 
every  acre  you  have  of  land,  I  have  an  acre  of  wit.11 
The  other,  filling  his  glass,  said,  "  My  service  to 
you,  Mr.  Wise-acre  /" 

DENNIS  THE  FUNSTER. 

Triajuncta  in  uno. 

Mr.  Dennis,  a  gentleman  who  died  about  1764, 
and  was  famous  for  his  puns,  was  once  ridiculed 
for  it  in  a  copy. of  verses  by  three  gentlemen,  whose 
names  were  Goodwin,  Johnstone,  and  Marshall ; 
he  answered  them  in  the  following  manner :  "  If 
Good  be  the  better  half  of  thy  name,  it  is  so  little 
in  thy  nature  as  not  to  be  perceived,  though  in  con- 
junction with  thy  friend  Jofm,  thou  hast  helped  to 
make  such  a  noble  copy  of  verses  that  they  ought 
to  be  engraven  on  stone.  I  would  have  given 
steel  the  preference,  if  a  certain  person  did  not  Mar 
your  works,  so  shall  say  no  more  of  the  matter." 


W.    R.    V.-ANA. 

THE    CONVERSATIONAL    PUNSTER. 


"  A  fellow  of  infinite  jest,  of  most  excellent  fancy." 

[There  are  very  few  literary  persons  in  London,  at 
least  among  those  connected  with  the  public  press, 
who  have  not  occasionally  enjoyed  the  pleasant, 
punning,  conversational  powers  of  my  friend 
W.  R.  V.  whose  whim,,  wit,  and  great  good 
nature  are  not  more  esteemed,  than  his  unaffected 
manners,  and  sincerity  of  disposition  justly  entitle 
him  to.] 

Some  one  observed,  "  Matches  are  made  in 
Heaven."  "  Yes,"  answered  he,  "  and  they  are 
very  often  dipped  in  the  other  place." 

Two  men  contending  at  a  tavern  upon  the  point 
of  who  wrote  that  beautiful  song  on  Ingratitude, 
"  Blow,  blow,  thou  wintry  wjnd  !".  one  said  Ben 
Jonson  ;  the  other  said  Shakspeare..  R.  V.  to  ad- 
just their  differences,  observed,  "  They  must  have 
written  it  between  them,  for  each  was  a-verse  to 
ingratitude." 

A  fat  gentleman  who  was  at  a  loss  for  the  name 
of  the  nobleman  who  was  shut  up  in  a  tower  and 
starved  to  death,  applied  to  the  punster — "  Yau-go- 
lean- OT  was  the  reply.  ••*-• 


126  EXAMPLES  IN  PUNNING. 

"  A  tailor  is  the  ninth  part  of  a  man,'1  observed 
a  would-be-wit,  in  the  presence  of  a  knight  of  the 
sheers  :  "  But,"  answered  R.  V.  "  a  fool's  no  part 
at  all." 

"  He  that  will  pun  will  pick  a  pocket,"  observed 
an  old  cynic.  "  You  speak  from  experience"  was 
the  stopper  to  this  vinegar  cruet. 

Rhodes,  the  punning  landlord  of  the  Coal  Hole 
tavern,  took  the  Bell  Inn  at  Hammersmith  :  R.  V. 
hoped  that  as  he  had  so  long  answered  the  bell,  the 
Bell  would  now  answer  him. 

One  asked  him  what  works  he  had  in  the  press. 
"  Why,  the  History  of  the  Bank,  with  notes ;  the 
Art  of  Cookery,  with  plates ;  and  the  Science  of 
Single  Stick,  with  wood  cuts" 

A  person  told  him  that  Louis  dix-huit,  when 
he  entered  London,  put  up  at  Grillon's  hotel.  "  I 
am  surprised  at  that,"  said  he ;  "  his  father  took 
his  chop  at  HatchetCs? 

A  barber  recommended  him  his  aromatic  es- 
sence for  the  improvement  of  his  hair.  "  No,  no ; 
don't  waste  your  fragrance  on  the  desert  hair" 

A  friend  remarked  of  a  gentleman  with  very 
large  curly  whiskers,  that  he  said  nothing.  "  Poor 
fellow  ;  don't  you  see  he's  lock-jawed^ 

"  How  well  you  put  on  your  cravat,"  said  a  crony : 
"  that  tie 's  something  new.1' — "  Yes  ;  it's  a  novel- 
tie^ 


EXAMPLES  IN  PUNNING.  127 

He  pacified  a  quarrelsome  fellow  one  evening  by 
observing,  "  I  should  not  like  to  go  up  in  a  balloon 
with  you,  for  fear  of  our  falling  out." 

Seeing  a  porter  bring  in  an  edition  of  a  new  work 
of  his  from  the  press  to  his  bookseller,  "  Dear  me  !" 
he  exclaimed,  "  what  a  weight  is  off  my  mind" 

"  What  a  swell  you  are  in  your  new  frock  coat,11 
said  a  quiz  to  him  one  day.  "  Don't  you  like  it  ? 
— I  do  :  indeed  I'm  quite  Wrapped  up  in  it" 

The  same  person  meeting  him  one  day  in  the 
city,  observing  he  had  on  a  new  waistcoat,  asked  if 
it  was  a  city  cut.  "  No,11  answered  he,  "  it's  a 
west-cut." 

Dining  at  the  Wrekin  tavern,  he  asked  for  a 
wine  glass  :  the  waiter,  in  bringing  it,  inadvertently 
let  it  fall — "  Zounds  !  I  did  not  ask  you  for  a 
tumbler  /" 

Sitting  in  company  with  one  of  those  people  who 
find  fault  with  every  thing,  good,  bad,  or  indif- 
ferent, he  could  not  refrain  from  quizzing  the  old 
fellow.  "  True,  true ;  we  have  nothing  new  or 
good  now-a-days :  Waterloo  bridge  is  a  catchpenny  t 
HerschelTs  telescope  all  my  eye,  the  steam  engine 
a  bottle  of  smoke,  and  the  safety-coach  a  complete 
take  in? 

Bearcroft  the  classic  observed  to  him,  that  learn- 
ing was  pabulum  animi,  food  of  the  mind.  "  Yes,11 


128         .  EXAMPLES  IN  PUNNING. 

replied  he,  "  and  that's  the  reason,  I  suppose,  the 
collegians  wear  trencher  caps.1' 

On  George  the  Fourth  landing  at  Calais  in  1820, 
the  wind  was  so  boisterous  as  to  blow  off  his  fo- 
raging cap,  greatly  inconveniencing  him :  a  brave 
officer,  Captain  Jones  of  the  Brunswicks,  who  stood 
near,  presented  His  Majesty  with  his  own,  which 
the  King  graciously  accepted,  and  wore  until  he 
got  to  his  carriage.  This  drew  from  him  the  fol- 
lowing impromptu  : 

"  Whether  in  peace  or  war, 

If  hostile  dangers  frown, 
It  is  the  soldier's  care 

To  guard  his  Monarch's  crown." 

He  blamed  a  friend  for  dedicating  a  very  clever 
work  to  a  certain  nobleman,  notorious  for  his  stu- 
pidity. "  My  book  wanted  a  title"  was  the  reply. 
"  Oh  !"  he  observed,  "but  it  might  otherwise  have 
been  peer-less? 

On  Sir  Robert  Wilson's  motion  for  investigating 
the  affair  that  deprived  him  of  his  rank  as  General 
being  lost,  he  lamented  it  as  very  hard  that  they 
should  refuse  him  even  a  major-ity.n 

Being  proposed  a  member  of  the  Phoenix  Club, 
he  asked  when  they  met : — "  Every  Saturday  even- 
ing during  the  winter." — "  Then,"  said  he,  "  I  shall 
never  make  a  Phoenix,  for  I  catft  rise  from  iliejire." 


NORBURYANA*; 

CONTAINING 

A  RICH  SELECTION  OF  LORD  NORB  (TRY'S 

BEST  PUNS, 
•|jJu«  ag  UmpctteD.  «   , 


THE  PUNNING  LAWYERS. 
The  counsel  archly  crack  their  joke 
On  every  word  the  witness  spoke  ; 
The  Jury,  laughing,  like  the  fun, 
And  Norbury  sums  up  with  a  Pun, 

A  GOOD  Pun  has,  from  time  immemorial,  been 
quite  as  admissible  in  our  courts  of  law,  as  a  good 
plea;  and  not  unusually  has  proved  successful  with 
the  feelings  of  a  jury,  when  the  latter,  left  entirely 
to  the  more  weighty  arguments  of  precedents  and 
rejoinder^  would  only  have  produced  a  temporary 
suspension  of  the  understanding.  Lord  Norbury's 
talent  as  a  punster  is  proverbial,  and  his  wit  upon 
all  occasions  as  clear  as  his  judgments  are  sound : 
scarcely  a  packet  of  Irish  papers  arrive  in  the 
sister  kingdom,  but  the  first  inquiry  of  the  hu- 
mourist is  after  the  last  good  thing  of  the  Chief 
Justice^ ;  and,  if  he  fails  to  encounter  a  new  pun, 
he  retreats  homewards  like  a  city  sportsman,  without 
game  for  the  morrow ;  for  pun-less,  he  is  quite  as 

*  Many  of  these  whims  have  never  before  appeared  in 
print. 

K 


130  NORBURYANA. 

miserable  as  if  he  was  penny-less ;  and  if  he  cannot 
crack  a  new  joke  at  the  club,  he  is  like  to  go  cracked 
himself  with  vexation  in  consequence. 

It  is  one  of  the  evils  attending  eminence  in  any 
art,  that  many  loose  performances  will  be  attri- 
buted to  genius,  for  the  sake  of  notoriety,  which 
would  cause  a  blush  upon  the  cheek  of  the  talented 
individual  under  whose  cognomen  they  are  surrep- 
titiously launched  forth  into  public  life.  Every 
new  pun,  made  by  the  Emeralders,  whether  in- 
vented in  the  Four  Courts  of  Dublin,  or  at  the 
midnight  orgies  held  in  the  broad  and  narrow 
Courts  of  London,  at  the  Fives  Court  or  the  Tennis 
Court,  the  King^s  Court,  or  the  Courts  of  law  and 
equity,  are  all  heaped  upon  the  great  original, 
Lord  Norbury ;  who  has,  in  consequence,  as  many 
sins  of  this  sort  to  bear  with,  as  any  criminal 
that  ever  appeared  before  his  legal  tribunal.  In 
selecting  from  an  accredited  stock,  the  compiler  of 
this  little  book  has  endeavoured  to  affix  to  the 
Noble  Punster,  only,  the  legitimate  offspring  of  his 
mvn  creation ;  or  at  least  such,  if  any  one  has  stolen 
in,  as  may  not  disgrace  his  witty  family. 

LORD  NORBURY''S  MOTTO 

Is,  "Right  can  never  die;'"  then,  said  his  lordship, 
punning  thereon,  "  right  must  be  left,  for  ever." 


NORBURYANA.  131 

AN  AMOROUS   PUN. 

**  Who  is  that  lovely  girl  ?"  exclaimed  Lord  Nor- 
bury,  riding  in  company  with  his  friend  Counsel- 
lor Grahaarty.  "  Miss  Glass,"  replied  the  barrister. 
"Glass!"  reiterated  the  facetious  judge;  "by  the  love 
which  man  bears  to  woman,  I  should  often  become 
intoxicated,  could  I  press  such  &  glass  to  my  lipsF 

THE  JOKER'S  RETORT. 

The  numerous  and  severe  animadversions  on 
Lord  Norbury  in  the  Imperial  Parliament,  only 
afforded  his  Lordship  an  opportunity  for  a  supple, 
mental  criticism,  viz.  "  That  the  English  Broom 
(Brougham)  wanted  an  Irish  stick  to  it ;"  an  ap- 
pendage which,  in  the  early  part  of  his  Lordship's 
career,  he  certainly  would  have  been  very  ready  to 

furnish. 

• 

PENCILING  WITH  A  PICKAXE. 

The  late  Counsellor  Egan,  well  known  by  the 
appellation  of  Bully  Egan,  from  his  rough  courage, 
got  into  the  Irish  parliament  during  the  admini- 
stration of  the  late  Marquis  of  Rockingham,  and 
joined  with  the  Whigs  of  that  day  in  a  most  out- 
rageous opposition  to  the  administration  of  the 
noble  Marquis,  upon  the  question  of  regency,  when 

K2 


132  NORBURYANA. 

the  opposition  succeeded  in  voting  the  unlimited 
regency  of  Ireland  to  the  Prince  of  Wales.  The 
Marquis,  unable  to  rally,  fled  to  England  without 
beat  of  drum,  leaving  the  oppositionists  masters  of 
the  political  field.  Not  content  with  this  retreat, 
the  Whigs  continued  to  pelt  the  character  of  the 
noble  Marquis,  by  way  of  post  obit,  and  to  heap  all 
those  maledictions  upon  his  administration,  when 
defunct,  which  they  had  so  indefatigably  done 
while  living.  Amongst  the  rest,  Mr.  Egan,  in  the 
course  of  a  debate,  thought  proper  to  introduce  in 
his  speech  an  episode,  in  which  he  proposed,  "  Now 
that  the  Marquis  was  politically  dead,  to  pencil  his 
epitaph  ;""  and  this  he  did  in  such  coarse  and  pon- 
derous words,  that  Mr.  Toler,  the  present  Lord 
Norbury,  in  his  reply,  termed  this  effort  of  Egan, 
penciling  with  a  pickaxe. 

TIME  AND  ETEENITY. 

On  passing  sentence  of  death  upon  a  prisoner 
who  had  been  convicted  of  privately  stealing  a  time 
piece,  Lord  Norbury,  after  dwelling  upon  the  enor- 
mity of  his  crime,  concluded  a  very  impressive 
speech  by  observing,  that  he  had  been  grasping  at 
time,  and  caught  eternity. 


NORBURYANA.  33 

THE  CANAL  AND  LOCKS. 

Meeting  with  a  lady  in  Dublin  who  was  pos- 
sessed of  considerable  property  in  a  distant  part  of 
the  country,  and  in  whose  welfare  he  had  taken 
great  interest,  particularly  during  the  progress  of  a 
bill  through  parliament  for  draining  her  lands,  he 

accosted  her,  "  Ah,  my  dear  Mrs  G ,  how  d'ye 

do? — how  goes  on  your  water  ways'l — I  must 
come  and  take  a  view  of  your  little  canal  and 
locks" 

DROPPING  THE  SUBJECT. 

A  man  having  been  capitally  convicted  before 
Lord  Norbury,  was,  as  usual,  asked  what  he  had  to 
say  why  judgment  of  death  should  not  pass  against 
him — "  Say  !"  replied  he,  "  why,  I  think  the  joke 
has  been  carried  far  enough  already,  and  the  less 
that  is  said  about  it  the  better ;  so  if  you  please, 
my  lord,  we'll  drop  the  subject."  "  The  subject 
may  drop"  replied  his  lordship. 

JAM  SATIS. 

A  gentleman  helping  his  Lordship  to  some  pie 
made  of  raspberry  jam,  inquired  if  he  would  have 
some  more  fruit?  "Jam  satis,"  replied  the  punster. 


134  NORBURYANA. 


THE  CRITICS  CURTAILED. 

"  Lord  Byron  calls  his  abusers  dogs"  said  a 
friend  to  Lord  Norbury ;  "  No  doubt  he  wishes 
them  and  their  censures  cur-tailed"  was  the  reply. 

SHAKE-SPEAKE. 

Riding  one  day  with  a  friend  of  the  name  of 
SPEARE,  whose  horse  appeared  to  jolt  him  very 
much,  his  Lordship  could  not  help  observing  it. 
"  He  is  young,  and  awkward  in  his  paces,  but  may 
mend,"  said  Speare.  "  By  the  bye,  my  Lord,  I 
want  a  name  for  him."  "  It  must  be  Shdke-speare, 
then,"  retorted  his  Lordship. 

KING  AND  JAMES,  THE  DUBLIN  LORD  MAYORS. 

Sir  Abraham  Bradley  King,  Lord  Mayor  of 
Dublin,  declined,  through  prudential  motives,  from 
giving,  during  his  mayoralty,  the  Orange  toast,  so 
offensive  to  the  King  James's  party.  JAMES,  the 
next  Lord  Mayor,  was  not  so  particular,  but  gave 
it  at  his  first  dinner.  Lord  Norbury,  who  was 
present,  could  not  help  observing,  "  You  are  no 
friend  to  King, — James" 


NORBURYANA.  135 

CURLED  HAIR. 

Lord  Norbury  calling  one  day  on  Mrs.  O'Connor, 
the  mattrass-maker  in  Sackville  Street,  Dublin, 
who  is  a  very  pretty  woman,  remonstrated  with  her 
on  having  so  long  delayed  sending  home  his  order : 
"  Sure  your  Lordship,"  said  the  good  woman,  with 
great  naivete,  "  there's  no  curled  hair  to  be  had 
now  in  Dublin,  neither  for  love  nor  money"  "  By 
the  powers  above,"  replied  his  Lordship,  looking 
amorously,  "  but  it  was  very  plentiful  in  this  city, 
Mrs.  O'Connor,  when  I  was  a  curly  boy" 

TRIAL  OF  A  HORSE. 

Late  on  a  Saturday  evening,  as  Lord  Norbury 
had  concluded  charging  the  jury,  after  a  laborious 
and  long  trial,  when  they  retired  to  make  up  their 
verdict,  a  barrister  got.  up  to  make  a  motion  re- 
specting a  horse,  that  had  been  returned  to  a  jockey 
for  not  being  sound.  His  lordship  complained  of 
his  being  much  tired  after  the  business  of  the  day, 
and  begged  they  would  postpone  the  business  till 
Monday.  The  lawyer,  anxious  to  push  forward 
the  business,  said  it  would  only  occupy  him  a  few 
minutes  to  try  it.  His  Lordship  rising,  said  in  his 
usual  dry  way  :  "  Gentlemen,  to-morrow  is  a  ho- 
liday ;  you  will  have  time  and  leisure  to  try  the 
horse  yourselves" 


NORBURYANA. 
A  DRY  WIPE. 

Lord  Norbury  being  in  company  with  some 
lawyers,  was  asked,  had  he  seen  a  pamphlet  that 
was  written  by  CTGrady,  in  which  he  was  reflected 
on  ?  replied,  "  Yes,  yes,  I  took  it  to  the  water- 
t  closet  with  me.""  When  told  who  was  the  author, 
lie  replied,  "  Ha !  I  did  not  think  my  friend  Grady 
intended  me  such  a  wipe." 

HOW  TO  CUT  A  FIGURE  IN  THE  TEMPLE. 

Lord  Norbury,  while  indisposed,  was  troubled 
with  a  determination  of  blood  to  the  head.  Surgeon 
Carrol  accordingly  opened  the  temporal  artery; 
and  whilst  attending  to  the  operation,  his  Lordship 
said  to  him,  "  Carrol,  I  believe  you  were  never 
called  to  the  bar  ?"  "  No^  my  Lord,  I  never  was,11 
.  replied  the  surgeon. — "  Well,  I  am  sure,  Doctor, 
I  can  safely  say  you  have  cut  a  figure  in  the 
Temple" 

THE  GAME  JOKE. 

On  being  informed,  last  autumn,  of  the  elope- 
ment of  Mrs.  Moore,  whose  maiden  name  was 
Woodcock,  Lord  Norbury  said,  "  Then  we  must 
look  out  our  fleecy  hosiery." — "  Why  so,  my  Lord  7" 
"  Because  it  is  an  unerring  symptom  of  a  sudden, 
long,  and  severe  winter  to  see,  so  early  in  the 
season,  the  Woodcocks  Jbrsake  the  Moors."" 


NORBU11YANA. 


137 


MAJESTICALLY  MOUNTED. 

Lord  Norbury,  meeting  the  Marchioness  of 
Conyngham  and  Lady  Elizabeth  riding  on  horse- 
back in  the  Phoenix  Park,  took  occasion  to  admire 
the  beauty  of  their  horses :  "  The  gift  of  His 
Majesty,"  said  her  Ladyship  artlessly :  "  and 
Lady  Elizabeth's  is  also  a  royal  present." — "  Then 
I  understand,"  said  Lord  Norbury,  "  His  Majesty 
mounts  you  both" 

A  SPORTING  PUN. 

A  gentleman  on  circuit  narrating  to  his  Lordship 
some  extravagant  feat  in  sporting,  mentioned  «that 
he  had  lately  shot  thirty-three  hares  before  break- 
fast.— "  Thirty-three  hares  /"  exclaimed  Lord  Nor- 
bury :  "  Zounds,  Sir !  then  you  must  have  been 
firing  at  a  wig? 

THE  FEMALE  LINGUIST. 

A  report  having  reached  his  Lordship  that  a 
female  pedant,  who  was  well  known  as  a  blue 
stocking  and  linguist,  was  about  to  be  married,  he 
observed,  "  He  could  answer  for  her  disposition  to 
conjugate,  but  feared  she  would  have  no  oppor- 
tunity of  declining? 


138  NORBURYANA. 

HOPE  AND  JOY. 

At  a  trial  in  the  Irish  Court,  Mr.  Hope,  an 
eminent  attorney,  being  employed  as  agent  in  a 
certain  cause,  apologized  to  the  court  for  the  ab- 
sence of  Mr.  Joy,  his  counsel,  requesting  that  it 
would  delay  for  a  few  minutes,  till  Mr.  Joy,  who 
was  engaged  in  another  court,  would  return.  Some 
time  having  elapsed,  Lord  Norbury  addressed  the 
bar,  saying,  "  Gentlemen,  I  think  we  had  better 
proceed  with  the  business  of  the  day — although 

'  Hope  told  a  flattering  tale, 
That  Joy  would  soon  return.' " 

A  RUM  WITNESS  SENT  TO  QUOD. 

A  witness  being  interrogated  by  Lord  Norbury, 
in  a  manner  not  pleasing  to  him,  turned  to  an  ac- 
quaintance, and  told  him  in  a  half  whisper,  that  he 
did  not  come  there  to  be  queered  by  the  old  one. 
Lord  Norbury  heard  him,  and  instantly  replied  in 
his  own  cantt  "  Tin  old,  'tis  true,  and  I'm  rum  some- 
times— and  for  once  Til  be  queer,  and  send  you  to 
quod? 


NORBURYANA.  139 

A  LATE  DINNER. 

Mr.  Curran  was  to  dine  with  Lord  Norbury, 
when  Mr.  Toler.  His  dinner  hours  were  late, 
which  Mr.  Curran  always  disliked.  Mr.  Toler 
was  going  to  take  his  ride,  and  meeting  Mr.  Curran 
walking  towards  his  house,  said,  "  Do  not  forget, 
Curran,  you  dine  with  me  to-day."  "  I  rather 
fear,  my  friend,1'  replied  Mr.  Curran,  "  it  will  be 
so  long  first,  that  you  may  forget  it." 

CUT  AND  COME  AGAIN. 

In  a  celebrated  trial,  wherein  Mr.  Trumble  was 
plaintiff,  and  Mr.  Allpress  of  Abbey-street,  de- 
fendant, before  Lord  Norbury  and  a  special  jury, 
Mr.  Serjeant  Johnson,  Counsellor  Leland,  and  one 
or  two  more  very  fat  barristers  were  employed  for 
the  defendant.  The  opposite  bar  were  remarkably 
thin  spare  men,  viz.  Messrs.  Goold,  North,  Penny- 
father,  &c.  Mr.  Johnson,  in  defending  his  client 
from  paying  a  penal  rent,  in  the  heat  of  argument 
said,  "  My  Lord  and  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  the 
opposite  party  stand  forth  like  Shylock  in  the  play, 
with  their  knife  outstretched  to  cut  from  us  the 
very  pound  of  flesh  ! "  Lord  Norbury  very  tritely 
interrupted  the  learned  serjeant  by  saying,  "  Mr. 
Johnson,  the  opposite  bar  perhaps  conceive  you 
can  spare  it  better." 


140  NORBURYANA. 

A  NOTE  TAKER  TRANSPORTED. 

When  it  was  told  to  Lord  Norbury,  that  sentence 
of  transportation  to  Botany  Bay  was  passed  upon 
the  notorious  Mr.  Smith,  who  had  been  detected  in 
clandestinely  pocketing  some  notes  off  the  vestry  - 
room  table,  after  the  collection  for  the  Charity 
Schools  of  St.  Michael's  Church,  in  November 
1819,  he  jocosely  replied,  "  that  he  thought  it  very 
hard,  as  it  was  no  uncommon  thing  to  have  note 
takers  at  all  such  public  meetings." 

,      CLOSE  SHAVING. 

The  Persian  Ambassador  having,  among  other 
public  places,  visited  the  Irish  Courts  of  Justice, 
in  November  Term  of  1819,  coming  into  the  Court 
of  Common  Pleas  whilst  it  was  sitting,  the  business 
was  suspended  for  a  short  time,  to  view  so  extraor- 
dinary a  personage,  he  being  fully  dressed  in  the 
eastern  costume,  long  beard,  &c.  After  he  had 
retired,  one  of. the  Judges  asked  Lord  Norbury 
what  he  thought  of  him,  his  Lordship  wittily 
replied,  "  he  might  be  a  very  clever  mem,  but  he 
was  certain  he  was  not  a  close  shaver." 

THE  RACKET  COURT. 

The  counsel  in  the  Irish  courts  are  not  always  so 
decorous  and  attentive  as  they  should  be.  During 


NORBURYANA.  141 

the  examination  of  a  witness,  Lord  Norbury  had 
occasion  once  or  twice  to  request  silence ;  when  the 
man,  in  a  reply  to  a  question  from  his  lordship  re- 
lative to  his  occupation,  answered  that  "  he  kept  a 
racket  court"  "  Indeed,"  said  the  judge,  and 
looking  archly  at  the  bar,  continued,  "  and  I  am 
very  sorry  to  say  that  I  am  Chief  Justice  of  a 
racket  court  much  too  often." 

POT  LUCK. 

A  certain  Irish  musical  amateur,  who  was  very 
irritable,  had  a  party  of  vocal  and  instrumental 
friends  on  a  particular  evening  in  every  week  at  his 
own  house ;  when  some  wags,  more  desirous  of  pro- 
moting discord  than  harmony,  used  to  assemble  un- 
der his  windows,  making  the  most  hideous  noises, 
or  in  the  Irish  phraseology,  "  giving  him  ashaloof 
upon  which  the  amateur  dislodged  the  contents  of  a 
certain  chamber  utensil  upon  the  heads  of  some 
passers  by,  but  unfortunately  missed  his  persecutors. 
For  this  assault  an  action  was  brought  and  tried 
before  Lord  Norbury,  who,  in  summing  up  the  case 
to  the  jury,  good  humouredly  observed,  "  that  the 
plaintiffs  must  be  considered  in  the  light  of  unin- 
vited guests,  and  it  could  not  be  denied  that  they 
had  been  treated  by  the  defendant  with  pot-luck." 

In  a  humorous  trial  between  the  rival  managers, 


142  NORBURYANA. 

Messrs.  Daly  and  Astley,  respecting  the  right  of 
the  latter  to  perform  the  farce  of  "  My  Grand- 
mother," at  the  Peter-street  theatre,  Dublin,  Daly's 
counsel  stated,  that  the  penalties  recoverable 
from  the  defendant,  for  his  infringement  of  the 
rights  of  the  patent  theatre,  would  all  be  given  to 
that  excellent  charity  the  Lying-in  Hospital.  Mr. 
Toler,  in  reply,  observed,  "  That  it  was  notorious, 
no  man  in  Dublin  had  contributed  more  largely,  in 
one  way,  to  the  Lying-in  Hospital  than  Mr.  Daly ; 
and  it  was  therefore  but  fair,  if  he  recovered  in  this 
action,  that  he  should  send  them  the  cash.  But," 
continued  the  facetious  counsel,  "  although  Mr. 
Daly's  attachment  to  good  pieces  is  proverbial,  we 
do  not  choose  that  he  shall  monopolize  all  the  good 
pieces  in  Dublin,  from  '  My  Grandmother1  down 
to  *  Miss  in  her  Teens'  " 

LORD  NORBURY'S  EPITAPH. 

SAID  TO  HAVE   BEEN  WRITTEN   BY  HIMSELF 

He's  dead  !  alas,  facetious  punster, 
Whose  jokes  made  learned  wigs  with  fun  stir  : 
From  heaven's  high  court,  a  tipstaff"1  s  sent, 
To  call  him  to  his  jtmn-ishment :  — 
Stand  to  your  ropes  !  ye  sextons,  ring  ! 
Let  all  your  clappers  ding,  dong,  ding ! 
NOR-BURY  him  without  his  due, 
He  was  himself  a  TOLER  *  too  ! 

*  The  Learned  Judge's  name. 


PUNNING  EPIGRAMS. 


THE  SPORTING  PUNSTERS. 

Two  merry  wags,  of  Cockney  land, 

Well  known  at  Rhodes's,  in  the  Strand, 

Where  tavern  wits  choice  puns  let  fly, 

Resolved  their  dogs  and  guns  to  try. 

Dress'd  cap-a-pee,  in  sporting  suit, 

With  jacket,  belt,  and  net  to  boot, 

Away  they  trudge  to  Hampstead  Rise, 

To  take  the  pheasants  by  surprise. 

And  what  will  strange  appear,  though  true, 

A  poor  stray'd  cock-bird  came  in  view, 

Uprising  'tween  the  punning  elves, 

Who  miss'd  the  bird,  but  shot  themselves. 

Condoling  on  their  hapless  gunning, 

They  yet  could  not  desist  from  punning : 

"  Ne'er  mind,  TOM,  peasants  each  we've  hit." 

"  Why  leave  the  aitc/t,  NED,  out  of  it  ?" 

"  Because,"  quoth  NED,  "  I'd  fain  forget 

The  aitch  that  frets  my  body  yet" 

"  Still  pop  for  pop,"  quoth  TOM  again. 

Says  NED,  "  I  feel  a  shooting  pain  ; 

But  then  I've  heard,  those  who  aspire 

To  be  good  sportsmen  must  stand  fire." 

"  Agreed,"  cries  TOM,  "  and  in  my  head 

'Tis  now  engraved  in  molten  kad." 

By  BERNARD  BLACKMANTLE. 

ON  SIR.  THOMAS  MORE,  LORD  CHANCELLOR  OF 
ENGLAND. 

When  More  had  few  years  Chancellor  been, 

No  more  suits  did  remain ; 
The  like  shall  never  more  be  seen,. 

Till  More  be  there  again  ! 


144  PUNNING  EPIGRAMS. 

R.  B.  SHERIDAN'S  EPIGRAM  ON  PITT. 
The  nation  is  pawrid !  we  shall  find  to  our  cost, 
And  the  minister  since  has  the  duplicate  lost. 
We  shall  all  be  undone  by  the  politic  schemer, 
Who,  though  "  Heav'n-born  *,"  will  not  prove  a 
Redeemer. 

ON    "   RECOLLECTIONS    OF    LORD    BYRON,    BY    THE 
LATE  R.  C.  DALLAS,  EDITED  BY  HIS  SON." 

A  mighty  DULL  ASS  is  old  prosing  DALLAS, 
And  quite  as  dull  and  prosing  is  his  Son — 

What !  fifteen  shillings  for  the  book  !  Alas  ! 
No  pleasant  "  Recollection" 1  am  done. 

DEAN  SWIFT'S  BARBER. 

Dean  Swift's  barber  one  day  told  him  that  he 
had  taken  a  public  house.     "  And  what's  your 
sign  ?"  said  the  Dean.     "  Oh,  the  pole  and  bason ; 
and  if  your  worship  would  just  write  me  a  few  lines 
to  put  upon  it,  by  way  of  motto,  I  have  no  doubt 
but  it  would  draw  me  plenty  of  customers."     The 
Dean  took  out  his  pencil,  and  wrote  the  following 
couplet,  which  long  graced  the  barber's  sign  : 
Rove  not  from  pole  to  pole,  but  step  in  here, 
Where  nought  excels  the  shaving  but  the  beer" 

*  In  the  ministerial  prints  Mr.  Pitt  was  usually  so  de- 
signated. 


PUNNING  EPIGRAMS.  145 

G.  COLMAN  TO  MISS  M.  TREE, 

Impromptu,  on  Miss  M.  Trees  intended  marriage  and 
retirement  from  the.  stage. 

You  bloom  and  charm  us  ! — still  the  bosom  grieves, 
When  Trees  of  your  description  take  their  leaves. 

TO  CAPTAIN  PARRY,  THE  POLAR  NAVIGATOR, 
On  his  giving  a  Fete  on  board  the  Hecla. 

Dear  Captain  Parry,  you  are  right 
To  give  the  belles  a  levee ; 

God  grant  your  dancing  may  be  light, 
For  oh  !  your  book  is  heavy. 

.         -  '  '  'I  .  !.        ( 

SAM  ROGERS  TO  CHARLES  LAMB. 

Ella's  Pen. 
Says  Elia,  "Zounds,  this  pen  is  hard  !" 

Quoth  Samuel  Rogers,  "  Do  not  huff, 
But  write  away,  my  honey  bard, 

You  soon  can  make  it  soft  enough." 

tWOiiOJ 

FRI    V.  DAY. 

Good  Friday  rain'd,  Sam  Rogers  dined 
On  soles,  for  fish  were  all  the  go ; 
And  Sam  allowed  the  Fri  was  good, 
Although  the  day  was  but  so  so. 

L 


146  PUNNING  EPIGRAMS. 

TO  THE  LATE  MR.  COUTT8. 

Written  at  Holly  Lodge,  Highgate,  by  the  Duke  of 
Gordon,  and  presented  in  the  Drawing-room  by  the 
Marquis  of  Huntley. 

An  apple,  we  know,  caused  old  Adam's  disgrace, 
Who  from  Paradise  quickly  was  driven  ; 

But  yours,  my  dear  Tom,  is  a  happier  case, 
For  a  Melon  transports  you  to  heaven. 

TO  MRS.  COUTTS,  THE  GAY  WIDOW. 

Her  mourning  is  all  make-believe ; 

'Tis  plain  there's  nothing  in  it ; 
With  weepers  she  has  tipp'd  her  sleeve, 

The  while  she's  laughing  in  it. 

IMPROMPTU,    BY    LORD   ERSKINE   TO    LADY    PAYNE, 
ON  BEING  TAKEN  ILL  AT  HER  HOUSE. 

'Tis  true  I  am  ill,  but  I  need  not  complain ; 

For  he  never  knew  pleasure  who  never  knew  Payne. 

TO  C.  J.  FOX,  ON  HIS  MARRIAGE; 

God's  noblest  work's  an  honest  man, 

Says  Pope's  instructive  line ; 
To  make  an  honest  woman,  then, 

Most  surely  is  divine. 


PUNNING  EPIGRAMS.  147 

TO  JOSEPH  HUME,  ON  HIS  ORATORY. 

You  move  the  people,  when  you  speak, 
For  one  by  one,  away  they  sneak. 


COWPER  S  HOMER. 

Any-mad-versions  when  like  this  I  see, 
Animadversions  they  will  draw  from  me. 

TO  LORD  NELSON.       BY  PETER  PINDAR. 

JVikh  his  Lordship's  night-cap,  that  caught  fire  on  the 
Poet's  head,  as  he  was  reading  in  bed  at  Merton. 

Take  your  nightcap  again,  my  good  lord,  I  desire, 
For  I  wish  not  to  keep  it  a  minute  ; 

What  belongs  to  a  Nelson,  where'er  there  is  fire, 
Is  sure  to  be  instantly  in  it. 

ON  THE  COUNTESS  OF  B ,    WHO  WAS  RUINED  AT 

THE  GAMING  TABLE. 

Card-table  epitaph. 

Clarinda  reign'd  the  queen  of  hearts, 
Like  sparkling  diamonds  were  her  eyes  ; 

Till  by  the  knave  of  clubs'1  false  arts, 
Here  bedded  by  a  spade  she  lies. 

L2 


148  PUNNING    EPIGRAMS. 

ADAM  AND  MACADAM. 

"  The  Macadamized  streets  are  extremely  dusty."' — 

Morning  Paper. 

Adam  was  made  of  borrowed  dust ; 

So  says  the  Bible ;   and,  'tis  plain, 
Macadam,  to  discharge  the  trust, 

To  dust  turns  all  the  ways  of  men. 

THE  INQUEST,  BY  E.  KNIGHT,    COMEDIAN. 

A  hint  to  clever  men  employed  on  such  occasions. 
"  Poor  Peter  Pike  is  drowned,  and  neighbours  say 
The  jury  mean  to  sit  on  him  to  day.11 
"  Know'st  thou  for  what  ?"    said  Tom.  —  Quoth 

Ned, "  no  doubt 
'Tis  merely  done  to  squeeze  the  water  out? 

BY  HIS  ROYAL  HIGHNESS  THE  DUKE    OF   SUSSEX. 

Royal  Pun-Dit. 
Come,  lament,  all  ye  Rogers,  of  punning  renown, 

Whose  praises  are  sung  by  the  *  Puss  sex, 
For  the  pun  of  all  puns  that  enraptures  the  town 

Is  the  last  by  his  big  Grace  of  Sus-sex. 


*  Puss,  a  domestic  animal — allegorically  a  mature  spinster 
-a  tabhy. — JOHNSON. 


PUNNING    EPIGRAMS.  J49 

In  dispensing  last  week  the  Dispensary  toasts, 
And  telling  the  names  of  its  Patrons, 

He   stumbled   on   two,  of  whom  Watling  Street 

boasts, 
No  matter  if  spinsters  or  matrons. 

First  came  Mrs.  Church,  and  then  came  Mrs.  Bliss : 
Said  his  Grace  "  Were  such  joys  ever  given  ! 

We  enter  the  first — for  the  way  we  can't  miss : 
We  enter  the  second — 'tis  Heaven  r 

r*!»  •niiKJH^r.tj  bfu  frii  i'»i»i>i.  >   v  > -;  Jj  '  :iT 

TO  HOWARD  PAYNE,  THE  COMPILER  OF  "  BRUTUS." 

Your  prose  and  verse  alike  are  bad, 

Methinks  you  both  transpose ; 
Your  prose  e'en  like  your  verse  runs  mad, 

And  all  your  verse  is  prose. 

DR.  WALCOT  TO  SHIELD  THE  COMPOSER. 

The  following  was  sent  to  Shield,  the  ingenious  Com- 
poser, for  his  Ivory  Ticket  of  admission  to  a  Concert, 
by  his  friend  Peter  Pindar. 

Son  of  the  string,  (I  do  not  mean  Jack  Ketch, 
Though  Jack,  like  thee,  produceth  dying  tones,} 

Oh  !   yield  thy  pity  to  a  starving  wretch, 

And  for  to-morrow's  treat,  pray  send  thy  bones ! 


150  PUNNING    EPIGRAMS. 

BY   LORD   BYRON, 

On  Southeys  house  being  on  fire* 
Pierios  vatis  Theodori  flamma  Penates, 

Abstulit :  hoc  Musis,  hoc  tibi,  Phoebe,  placet  ? 
O  scelus,  6  magnum  facinus,  crimenque  deorum, 
Non  arsit  pariter  quod  domus  et  dominus. 

Martial,  Lib.  xi.  Epig.  94. 

The  Laureate's  house  hath  been  on  fire  !   the  Nine 
All  smiling  saw  that  pleasant  bonfire  shine  : 
But,  cruel  fate !    Oh  damnable  disaster  ! 
The  house — the  house  is  burnt,  and  not  the  master ! 

GEORGE    TIERNEY,    M.  P. 

The  Inclosure  Bill. 
If  'tis  a  crime  in  man  or  woman, 
A  goose  to  pilfer  from  a  common  ; 
What  can  a  parliament  excuse, 

To  steal  a  common  from  a  goose  ? 

f 

ON    THE    MARRIAGE    OF    MISS    LITTLE, 

A  lady  remarkably  short  in  stature. 
Thrice  happy  Tom — I  think  him  so ; 

For  mark  the  poet's  song, — 
"  Man  wants  but  little  here  below, 

Nor  wants  that  little  long" 


PUNNING   EPIGRAMS.  151 

ON  SIGNOR  B.  OF  THE  KING'S  THEATRE,  WHO  RAN 
AWAY  FROM    HIS    CREDITORS. 

His  time  was  quick,  his  touch  was  fleet, 

Our  gold  he  nimbly  finger  d± ; 
Alike  alert  with  hands  and  feet, 

His  movements  have  not  lingered. 

Where  lies  the  wonder  of  the  case  ? 

A  moment's  thought  detects  it ; 
His  practice  has  been  thorough-bass, 

A  chord  will  be  his  exit. 

SHERIDAN   AND  HIS  SON  TOM. 

A  father  and  son  much  addicted  to  drink, 

Sat  each  quaffing  his  grog  with  high  glee ; 
Said  the  parent,  "  Why,  Tom,  thou  dost  drink 

mighty  deep, 
Though  you'll  say  that  you  take  after  me." 

"  No,  father,"  cried  Tom,  "  I  will  never  say  so, 

Nor  do  so,  I  hope,  by  St.  Paul ; ' 
For,  'tis  certain,  that  if  I  did  take  after  you, 

I  should  drink  scarcely  any  at  allT 

BY  LORD  HARBOROUGH. 

If  Lovers  aflame,  as  ancient  poets  prove, 
Ah,  me  !  how  cold 's  thejire  of  my  Love. 


152  PUNNING  EPIGRAMS. 

ON  A  PAINTED  FAIR. 

Ye  ladies  who  paint,  may  most  safely  declare, 
With  Horace,  that  dust  and  a  shadow  ye  are. 

CURRAN'S  DEFINITION  OF  AN  EPIGRAM. 
An  epigram,  what  is  it,  honey  ? 
A  little  poem,  short  and  funny  ; 
About  four  lines  in  length,^not  more : 
Then  this  is  one,  for  here  are  four. 

ON  A  MISER  NAMED  MORE. 

Iron  was  his  chest, 

Iron  was  his  door ; 
His  hand  was  iron, 

And  his  heart  was  More. 

ON  THE  LATE  JOHN  KEMBLE. 

Written  during  the  O.  P.  contest. 
Actor  and  Architect,  he  tries 

To  please  the  critics,  one  and  all ; 
This  bids  the  private  tiers  to  rise, 
And  that  the  public  tears  to  fall. 

MAIDS  AND  BACHELORS. 

Old  maids,  in  hell,  'tis  said,  lead  apes ; 
It  may  be  true — but,  tarry — 
They're  bachelors  that  fill  those  shapes 
Because  they  did  not  marry. 


PUNNING  EPIGRAMS.  153 

ON  SEEING  A  SWAGGERING  VICAR  AND  PHYSICIAN 
ARM  IN  ARM. 

How  D.  I>.  swaggers,  M.  D.  rolls ! 

I  dub  them  both  a  race  of  noddies : 
Old  D.  D.  has  the  cure  of  souls, 

And  M.  D.  has  the  care  of  bodies. 
Between  them  both,  what  treatment  rare 

Our  souls  and  bodies  must  endure ! 
One  has  the  cure  without  the  care, 

And  one  the  care  without  the  cure. 

ONE  LAWYER  MORE. 

"  Pray  does  one  MORE,  a  lawyer,  live  hard  by  ?" 
"  I  do  not  know  of  one"  was  the  reply ; 
"  But  if  one  less  were  living,  I  am  sure, 
Mankind  his  absence  safely  might  endure." 

PERCY  BYSHE  SHELLEY  TO  A  SCOTCH  CRITIC. 

In  critics  this  country  is  rich  ; 

In  friendship  and  love  who  can  match  'em  : 
When  writers  are  plagued  with  the  itch, 

They  hasten  most  kindly  to  scratch  'em. 


154  PUNNING  EPIGRAMS. 

DAVID  DOUBLE'S  PETITION  TO  ONE  OF  THE 
INNS  OF  COUKT. 

The  Society  of  Clement's  Inn  having  had  iron 
bars  put  up  at  the  entrance  to  prevent  porters, 
cattle,  or  other  nuisances  from  coming  in, — it 
called  forth  the  following  lines  from  a  "fat 
single  gentleman"  to  the  principal  and  ancients. 

Ye  principal  and  ancient  men,  attend 
To  one  of  your  unfortunate  fat  lodgers, 

Whose  studies  make  him  lusty; — oh  !  befriend  ! 
Or  I  shall  surely  call  you  ancient  codgers. 

'Tis  true  I  came  here,  looking  to  the  bar, 
And  hop'd  to  have  a  call  some  day  unto  it ; 

But  at  your  entrance  now  there  many  are, 
Indeed  so  many,  that  I  can't  get  thro'  it. 

"  /  can't  get  out"  as  Sterne's  poor  starling  said, 
Unless  I  ask  the  porter  to  unlock  it ; 

This  must  be  alter'd,  as  I'm  so  well  fed, 

Or  'gainst  my  corpus  you  must  strike  a  docket. 

This  may  reduce  me  to  a  decent  size, 

And  let  me  pass  your  cursed  bars  of  iron ; 


PUNNING  EPIGltAMS.  155 

Put  up  to  keep  us  from  the  London  cries, 
Which  now  your  sanctum  sanctorum  environ. 

For  if  I  can't  be  taken  in,  'tis  clear 

I  cannot  be  let  out;  and  that  gives  trouble. 

Ye  principal  and  ancient  men,  oh  !  hear  ! 

And  let  me  pass  the  bar — I'm  DAVID  DOUBLE. 

ON  A  MR.  HOMER'S  BANKRUPTCY. 
That  Homer  should  a  bankrupt  be 
Is  not  so  very  Odd-d'ye-see ,• 
If  it  be  true,  as  I  am  instructed, 
So  Ill-he-had  his  books  conducted. 

WALKING  FOR  LIFE. 

On  a  Gentleman  bringing  on  a  severe  Jit  of  illness,  by 
an  excess  in  walking  exercise,  in  order  to  preserve  his 
health. 

Prithee  cease,   my  good  friend,   to  expend  thus 

your  breath ; 

'Tis  in  vain  these  exertions  you  make  : 
And  to  "  walk  for  your  life"  against  sure-footed 

death, 
Is  the  very  "  worst  step  you  can  take  /" 


156  EUNNING  EPIGRAMS. 


A  SPIRIT  ABOVE  AND  A  SPIRIT  BELOW. 

On  a  Methodist  Chapel,  the  vaults  under  which  toere  used 
as  nine  cellars  : 

There's  a  spirit  above  and  a  spirit  below, 

A  spirit  of  Joy  and  a  spirit  of  woe: 
The  spirit  above  is  a  spirit  divine; 

The  spirit  below  is  a  spirit  of  wine. 

THE  UPPER  ROOMS  AND  THE  OLD  ROOMS,  BATH. 

Two  musical  parties  to  Bladud  belong, 
To  delight  the  old  rooms  and  the  upper : 

One  gives  to  the  ladies  a  supper,  no  song; 
The  other  a  song  and  no  supper. 

ON  A  LEFT-HANDED  WRITING-MASTER. 

Though  nature  thee  of  thy  right  hand  bereft, 
Right  well  thou  writest  with  the  hand  that's  left. 

PRINTER'S  KISS. 
Print  on  my  lips  another  kiss, 

The  picture  of  thy  glowing  passion — 
Nay,  this  wont  do — nor  this — nor  this — 

But  How — Ay,  that's  a  proof  impression. 


PUNNING  EPIGRAMS.  157 


TO  A  DOUBTFUL  MILITARY  CHARACTER. 

Though  much  you're  scar'd  by  Mars  in  arms, 

Atjighting  much  dejected  ; 
Yet  Venus,  with  her  naked  charms, 

Has  seen  you — MoRE-affected. 

THE  FOUR  AGES  OF  WOMAN. 
From  the  French. 

Woman  is 
In  infancy  a  tender  flower, 

Cultivate  her ; 
A  floating  bark  in  girlhood's  hour, 

Softly  freight  her. 
A  fruitful  vine  when  grown  a  lass, 

Prune  and  please  her ; 
Old,  she's  a  heavy  charge,  alas  ! 

Support  and  ease  her. 

THE  FEMALE  CARD  PLAYER  AND  HER  GARDENER. 

On  a  Lady  Jar  advanced  in  years,  who  was  a  great 
Card-player,  having  married  her  Gardener. 

Trumps  ever  rul'd  the  charming  maid, 
Sure  all  the  world  must  pardon  her ; 

The  destinies  turned  up  a  spade  ; 
She  married  John  the  gardener. 


158  PUNNING  EPIGRAMS. 

THE  BENCHERS  OF  THE  TEMPLE. 

The  Lamb  and  the  Horse  being  their  Insignia. 

The  Lamb,  the  lawyer's  innocence  declares ; 

The  Horse,  their  expedition  in  affairs ; 

Hail,  happy  men !  such  emblems  well  describe 

The  specious  cunning  of  your  legal  tribe : 

For  say  what  client  can  expect  a  loss 

From  Lamb-like  lawyers,  fleeter  than  a  Horse  ? 

No  more  let  Chancery's  ills  be  endless  counted, 

Since  on  the  Pegasus  of  Law  ye're  mounted. 

And  ye,  poor  suitors !  mark  your  simple  fate — 

The  shorn  lambs  ye — that  crowd  the  Temple  gate. 

ON  SIR  ISAAC  NEWTON. 

'*  Some  demon,  sure,"  says  wond'ring  Ned, 
"  In  Newton's  brain  has  fix'd  his  station  !  " 

"  True,"  Dick  replies,   "  you've  rightly  said, 
I  know  his  name,- — 'tis  demon-stration? 

TO  CERTAIN  FAIR  MARRIED  LIBERTINES. 

Ladies !  the  stags  (as  wise  men  say) 
Change  horns  but  once  a-year : 

Whereas  your  stags  change  ev'ry  day, 
As  plainly  does  appear. 


PUNNING    EPIGRAMS.  159 

ON  GRIEVES'S  BRUSH. 

Some  men  brush  on,  and  some  brush  off, 

And  some  brush  out  of  sight ! 
While  Grieves's  *  brush  makes  thousands  rush 

To  see  it  every  night. 

ON  THE  HYDE  PAHK   ACHILLES. 

If  on  this  pedestal  we  see 

Our  great  Achilles  and  Protector, 

Why  then  the  inference  must  be, 

He  whom  he  vanquished  was  a  Hector. 


EPIGRAMS  BY  W.  R.  V. 

On  reading-  that  Madame  Fodor  had  endangered  her 
life  by  drinking  vinegar  to  reduce  her  shape. 

Against  Fodor^s  existence,  it  may  truly  be  said, 
That  custom  has  raised  an  unnatural  strife ; 

For  if  she  gets  fat — she  loses  her  bread ; 
And  if  she  gets  thin— she  loses  her  life. 

*  The  eminent  talents  of  this  distinguished  artist  have 
been  for  a  series  of  years  displayed  in  the  beautiful  scenery 
produced  at  Covent  Garden  Theatre. 


160  PUNNING    EPIGRAMS. 

On  seeing  Mrs.  Siddons  at  Covent -Garden  Theatre,  on 
thejirst  night  of  the  appearance  of  Miss  Dance. 

Piozzi,  when  eighty,  at  a  dance  led  the  first, 

But  she  was  mirth's  votary  through  life's  pleasant 

trance, 
And  though  fame  knows  not  age,  yet  our  wonder  is 

just, 

Where  Melpomene's  self  comes  to  welcome  the 
Dance. 

On  seeing  Miss  Foote  in  the  part  of  Ariel,  so  exquisitely 
played  by  Miss  Tree. 

Where's  Ariel?  that  is,  where  is  Tree? 

Whose  voice  and  form  so  truly  suit  in't ; 
Surely  the  public  must  agree, 

The  Manager  has  put  his  Foot  in't. 

On  the  Commons  passing  the  Catholic  Bill  one  day,  and 
on  the  next  throwing  out  a  Toll  for  passing  Black- 
friars  Bridge. 

England's  friendly  to  all,  let  folks  say  what  they 

will, 

From  Gentile,  or  Jew,  she  ne'er  was  a  rover ; 
Her  Commons  first  passed  the  Catholic  Bill, 
And  the  very  next  day  vote  for  the  Pass  over. 


PUNNING    EPIGRAMS.  161 

On  reading  thut  Captain  Parry  embarked  on  board  the 
"  Fury"  Discovery  Ship  early  in  Passion  Week. 

Parry's  rage  for  discovery  exceeds  all,  no  doubt, 
For  both  captain  and  crew  in  a  Fury  set  out  ; 
But  still  some  excuse  will  appear  for  this  freak, 
When  we  learn  the  affair  took  place  in  Passion 
week. 

On  reading  in  the  Paper  a  supposition  that  Skakspeare 
was  lame. 

That  Shakspeare  was  lame,  from  his  sonnets  you'd 


But  halt  ere  such  men  with  weakness  you're  brand- 

ing; 

An  abler  hand  never  guided  a  pen, 
And  his  works  plainly  show  he'd  a  strong  under- 

standing. 

ON  THE  NEW  CROWN-PIECE  ; 

The  Sovereign's  name  being  cut  George  IIII.  and'  not 
as  heretofore  George  IV.  with  a  laurel  wreath. 

Pistrucci,  in  thine  art  divine, 

Thou  never  wast  more  clever  ; 
Long  may  the  laurel  mark  our  Sovereign's  line, 

But  may  the  /.  V.  never  ! 

1C 


162  PUNNING  EPIGRAMS. 

IMPROMPTU 

On  Captain  Fitz-Clarence' s  life  being  preserved  by  the 
interposition  of  Serjeant  Legge,  at  the  capture  of  the 
Conspirators  in  Cato  Street. 

When  war  destruction  on  the  soldier  deals, 
Some  seek  from  death  a  refuge  in  their  heels ; 
E'en  brave  Fitz-Clarence,  in  the  deadly  strife, 
We  find  indebted  to  his  Legge  for  life  ! 


MATTHEWS'S  APOLOGY  FOR  A  BAD  COAT. 

Jack  from  his  box  surveys  the  house  around, 
Views  in  the  pit  a  friend  with  glass  erect, 
Whose  rusty  coat  with  many  a  gaping  wound 
First   draws  the  cut  oblique,  and    then  the  cut 
direct. 

"  How  now,"  cries  Will !  (whilst  all  around  him 

heard), 
"  Cut  an  old  friend !  why,  Jack,  what  are  you 

after? 

Oh,  oh,  the  coat !  'pon  honor  that's  absurd ; 
Charles   is  so  droll,  IVe  cracked  my  sides  with 

laughter" 


PUNNING    EPIGRAMS.  163 

TO  A  PEDANT  WHO  WORE  A  PIGTAIL. 

That  U  follows  Q 
Is  not  always  true ; 
When  your  pigtail  I  view, 
Then  queue  follows  you. 

ON  THE  FILTHY  STATE  OF  THE  PAVEMENT  DURING 
THE  LATE  RAINS. 

When  British  flags  triumphant  scour'd  the  main, 
Trade  unrestricted  bless'd  the  industrious  swain  ; 
But  now  in  vain  'gainst  hostile  floods  he  fags. 
Oh  that  the  main  would  scour  the  British  flags  ! 

,,  „ 

TO  THE  AUTHOR  OF  "  PEN  OWEN. 
rf      .          j     ,  i  •      j 

If  wit  and  elegance  combined, 
With  harmless  satire  glowing, 
Can  gain  applause,  or  charm  the  mind, 
It  is  to  your  Pen-owing. 

ON  BOCHSA'S  DELUGE,  LED  BY  SMART. 
When  Apollo  appears,  vain  would  Discord  oppose  ; 
With  a  "  Deluge"  of  music  the  house  overflows ; 
His  (Boxer)  Bochsa  beats  time,  who's  forced  to 

impart 

Nought    but    pleasure    arising    from   Harmony's 
Smart. 

if  9 


164  PUNNING    EPIGRAMS; 

A  SNEER  ANSWERED. 

"  Leave  off  your  puns,"  said  Jack  to  Bill, 
"  Give  me  a  bon  mot  if  you  will." 
"  A  what  ?  a  bon  mot !  how  absurd  ! 
Whoever  gave  you  a  good  word." 

A  PUNSTER'S  EPITAPH  ox  HIS  DOG. 

Here  lies,  who  living  never  lied, 
A  friend  sincere,  of  courage  tried; 
No  slave  to  wealth,  to  vice  unknown, 
Though  oft  reduced  to  pick  a  bone. 
Patched  was  his  coat,  both  red  and  white, 
And  shaggy  too  his  outwarti  plight ; 
Yet  grateful  still  his  master  serv'd, 
And  from  allegiance  never  swerved. 
A  sportsman  true,  who  at  a  word 
Would  point,  and  oft  bring  down  his  bird : 
Or  fetch,  or  carry,  hunt,  orjind, 
Whatever  was  of  the  feather'd  kind. 
"  By  no  disease — no  blast  he  fell, 
"  But,  like  to  fruit  that's  mellow'd  well, 
"  Dropp'd  on  the  earth,  worn  out  by  time, 
"  As  clock  that  can  no  longer  chime  :" 
Here  CARLO  stopp'd — for  want  of  breath, 
Outrun  at  last  by  Nimrod  death. 

BERNARD  BLACKMANTLE. 


PUNSTER'S   COURT; 

OR, 

THE  CONTEST  BETWEEN  JANUS  AND  PAN. 

VERSIFIED    FROM    SWIFT. 

For  Illustration,  see  Vignette  to  Title. 


GREAT  PLATO  and  HOMER,  and  half  a  score  sages, 

Who  flourished  as  scholars  in  heathen-like  ages, 

Have  all  of  them  prov'cl,  if  their  writings  you'll  seek, 

That  Puns  were  esteem'd  both  by  Hebrew  and  Greek : 

Nay,  more,  that  the  gods  loved  and  practised  the  fun, 

And  their  merriment  owed  to  the  mirth-making  Pun. 

There's  BUXTORF,  a  learned  Chaldean,  hath  told, 

That  Ptolemaeus  Philo-punnaeus,  of  old, 

Sent  for  six  learned  priests,  for  his  principal  city, 

To  propagate  punning  and  make  the  folks  witty : 

And  so  well  did  the  priests  with  the  people  succeed, 

That  their  Puns  were  collected,  and  thus  'twas  decreed ; 

"  In  a  temple  devoted  to  punning  and  wit, 

"  In  letters  of  gold,  on  the  front  shall  be  writ; 

"  '  The  shop  for  the  physic  to  gladden  the  soul,'" — 

Where  the  sick,  sad,  and  broken  of  heart  are  made  whole. 

Here  JANUS  contended  with  PAN  for  the  throne, 

When  his  double-faced  godship  unrivalled  shone  ; 

For  no  matter  how  wittily  PAN  punn'd  away, 

JANUS  turn'd  round  his  head  from  the  "  grave  to  the  gay," 

Till  the  audience,  rill'd  with  amazement  and  wonder, 

Decided  for  JANUS'S  double  entendre. 

BERNARD  BLACKMANTLE. 


FOR  ALL  PERSONS  AND  PURPOSES; 

OB* 

JOKES  FOR  EVERY  DAY  IN  THE  YEAR. 


"  Touch  but  his  gunpowder  wit  with  a  merry  fire,  and 
you  shall  instantly  hear  a  good  report." 

"  A  punster's  wit,  what  is  it  like  ?" 
"  The  electric  spark,  from  Merc'ry  ta'en ;" 

"  Or  gunpowder/'  says  merry  Mike, 
"  Touch  it,  you  bid  adieu  to  pain." 


PUNNING  AT  BACKGAMMON. 

Two  scholars  of  Brazen  Nose  College,  Oxford, 
playing  at  backgammon,  a  third  came  in  to  size, 
that  is,  to  obtrude  for  a  dinner.  The  owner  of  the 
room  throwing  the  dice,  and  addressing  himself  al- 
ternately to  his  visitors,  said 

"  If  I  bate  you  an  ace, 

Deuce  take  me ; 

for  it  would  be-tfro?/  a  weakness 

in  a  man  who  could  not  cater  for  himself. 

Therefore  sink  me 

if  you  do  size."" 

A  NEGATIVE  PUN. 

"  I  am  happy,  Ned,  to  hear  the  report  that  you 
have  succeeded  to  a  large  landed  property  !"  "  And 
I  am  sorry,  Tom,  to  tell  you  that  it  is  groundless."" 


PUNS   FOR  ALL  PERSONS,   &C.  167 

A  PUN. THE  ORIGIN  OF  THE  PAPAL  POWER. 

In  the  Latin  version  of  the  Bible  there  is  the  fol- 
lowing passage : — Tu  es  PETRUS,  et  super  hanc  pe~ 
tram  cedificabo  meam  ecclesiam.  The  French,  in 
rendering  these  words  into  their  own  tongue,  con- 
vert them  into  a  proof  that  St.  Peter  was  the  corner 
stone  here  spoken  of — Tu  es  PIERRE,  et  sur  cette 
pierrej^edlfierai  mon  eglise!!! 

A  MAN-MILLINER'S  PUN. 

An  amateur,  famous  for  taking  a  front  seat  in  the 
pit  the  first  night  of  a  new  opera,  was  dreadfully 
annoyed  one  night  by  the  big  drum,  opposite  to 
whose  "  loud  sounds'"  he  was  unfortunately  placed. 
He  expressed  his  uneasiness  so  frequently,  that  the 
performer  made  use  of  the  word  "  man-milliner"  once 
or  twice,  in  derision  of  his  tender  auriculars.  "  Man- 
milliner  !"  said  the  gentleman,  "  I  am  none,  but 
you're  the  vilest  tambour-worker  I  ever  met  with." 

A  BACKSLIDER'S  PUN. 

A  gentleman  asked  another  if  he  would  have  a 
skait  on  the  Serpentine  ; — "  Most  certainly ;  but 
I  can't  trust  to  my  soles  and  heels :  besides,  I  should 
lose  my  character." — "  Lose  your  character  !" — 
"  Aye,  I  should  become  a  back-slider.™ — "  Oh," 
answered  his  friend,  "  come  along;  you'll  do,  if  you 
commence  on  fundamental  principles." 


168  PUNS  FOR  ALL  PERSONS 

AN  HERALDIC   PUN. 

A  gentleman  employing  a  porter  whose  name 
was  liussel,  asked  him  jocularly,  "  Pray  is  your 
coat  of  arms  the  same  with  the  duke  of  Bedford's  ?" 
"  Our  arms  (answered  the  fellow)  are,  I  suppose, 
pretty  much  alike ;  but  there  is  a  confounded  dif- 
ference in  our  coats.'1'' 

A  CANONICAL  PUN. 

A  canon  of  Exeter  Cathedral  died  a  few  weeks 
since ;  a  gentleman,  crossing  the  Cathedral-yard  in 
that  city,  accidentally  met  a  friend,  to  whom  he 

said—"  So,  Canon  H is  dead  !" — "  Indeed  !" 

replied  the  other,  "  I  was  not  aware  that  cannons 
went  o^in  that  way." — "  Yes,  they  do,"  rejoined 
the  first,  "  for  I  have  just  heard  the  report /" 

.  AN  APOTHECARY'S  PUN. 
"   Does  your   husband   expectorate?"    said  an 

apothecary  to  a  poor  Irish  woman  who  had  long 
visited  his  shop  for  her  sick  husband — "  Expect  to 
ate,  yer  honour — no  sure,  and  Paddy  does  not  expect 
to  ate — he  ""s  nothing  at  all  to  ate  !"  The  humane 
man  sent  a  large  basin  of  mixture  from  a  tureen  of 

soup  then  smoking  on  his  table. 

• 

A  BITTER  PUX. 

An  apothecary  asserted  that  all  bitter  things  were 
hot  "  Pardon  me,  (said  his  friend),  this  is  a  bitter 
cold  day? 


AND  PURPOSES.  169 

A  SMUGGLER'S  PUN. 

When  the  Custom-house  corps  first  made  their 
public  appearance,  it  was  observed  by  one,  that 
they  looked  as  formidable  as  so  many  Alexanders, 
"  Rather  say,"  said  another,  "  that  they  appear  more 
like  Seizers"  (Caesars.) 

COLLEGE  PUN  UPON  PUN. 

Two  Oxonians  dining  together,  one  of  them 
noticing  a  spot  of' grease  on  the  neckcloth  of  his 
companion,  said,  "  f  see  you  are  a  Grecian" — 
"  Pooh  !"  said  the  other,  "  that's  far-fetched  "— 
"  No,  indeed,"  says  the  punster,  "  I  made  it  on  the 
spot."" 

A  CUANIOLOGICAL  PUN. 

A  craniologist  and  a  disciple  of  Lavater  disputing 
the  merits  of  their  several  professions;  says  the 
Skullist,  "  What  we  cannot  get  into  their  noddles,  we 
get  out  of  them." — "  Yes,"  says  the  physiognomist, 
"  God  help  the  heads  saddled  with  such  a  theory  ! 
for  whilst  one  galls,  toother  spiers  'em? 


A  CITY  PUN. 
otiiiuiurl  ."!t 

A  wag,  upon  seeing  the  name  of  "  Mr.  Ledger, 
conductor  of  the  Albion  Library,"  in  the  list  of 
deaths,  observed,  "  Ah  !  poor  fellow  !  his  day-book's 
closed,  and  he 's  posted,  I  suppose,  to  his  long  ac- 
count"— "  By  no  means  improbable,"  said  another, 
"  seeing  he  was  engaged  in  book-keeping  all  his  life  !" 


170  PUNS  FOR  ALL  PEHSONS 

A  PHYSICAL  PUN. 

A  gentleman  dreadfully  ill  was  recommended  to 
a  celebrated  physician — "  Oh,;'  replies  he,  "  I  have 
called  several  times,  but  he 's  always  out."  "  Why 
then,"  observes  his  friend,  "  try  another."  "  Who  ?" 
"  Who .'  why  Sir  Ever-hard-Home" 

A  COLLEGE    PUN. 

A  prize  was  offered  in  a  certain  society  sacred  to 
the  Latin  classics,  for  the  best  "  Carmen"  to  cele- 
brate Christmas.  A  jocose  tradesman,  in  the  city, 
sent  the  meeting  two  of  his  carters,  saying,  he 
knew  no  better  carmen  in  the  world  to  celebrate  the 
festive  season,  as  they  had  been  "  keeping  it  up" 
for  the  last  fortnight. 

A  LADY'S  PUN. 

A  very  agreeable  lady  of  the  name  of  Riggs, 
being  one  season  at  Margate,  in  the  house  with  six 
others,  her  relations,  and  only  one  gentleman  to 
attend  the  whole ;  when  one  regretting  that  they 
had  not  more  of  the  male  creation,  she  replied,  "  If 
we  complain  of  not  being  well  manned*  I  am  sure 
we  are  well  rigged." 

A  COBBLER'S  PUN. 

A  man  in  the  city,  amongst  many  curiosities, 
exhibited  the  identical  boot  worn  by  Frederick  the 
Great.  A  gentleman  viewing  it,  asked  where  the 
bullet  wound  was;  "  Och,  (said  the  fellow  from 
.the  sister  country)  it's  been  healed  lately.'1 


AND  PURPOSES.  171 

A  JUDICIAL  PUN. 

One  Hog  was  to  be  tried  before  Judge  Bacon, 
who  told  him  he  was  his  kinsman.  "  Well  (re- 
plied the  learned  judge),  no  hog  can  become  bacon 
till  he  is  hanged,  and  then  I'll  allow  your  claim.1' 

A  BACCHANALIAN  PUN. 

A  jolly  vicar,  in  a  state  of  inebriety,  making  a 
zig-zag  course  to  his  house,  was  asked  by  a  friend 
who  met  him,  whence  he  'came  ?  He  said,  "  I  have 
been  spinning'  out  the  evening  with  my  neighbour 
Freeport."  —  "  And  now  (replied  the  other),  you  are 
reeling  it  home/' 

A  GERMAN  PUN. 

A  young  man  of  the  name  of  Caesar  having  mar- 
ried a  young  lady  called  Rome,  a  wag  wrote  upon 
his  door,  "  Cave,  Caesar,  ne  tua  Roma  fiat  respub- 


A  WHISTLING  PUN. 

A  youth  was  incurably  addicted  to  the  vile  sin 
of  punning.  His  father,  who  detested  a  pun  not 
less  than  old  Mr.  Shandy  himself,  imposed  a  fine 
of  half  a  crown  for  each  commission  of  this  offence. 
One  day  the  father  and  son  passing  along,  saw  a 
man  in  the  pillory.  The  punster  could  scarcely  re- 
frain from  a  pun  with  which  he  was  big.  The  pre- 
sence of  dad,  however,  restraining  his  tongue,  he 
indulged  his  wit  by  whistling,  "  Through  the  wood, 
laddie." 


172  PUNS  FOR  ALL  PERSONS 

A  MANAGER'S  PUN. 

A  new  comedy,  on  its  third  representation,  being 
thinly  attended,  the  author  observed  that  it  was 
all  owing  to  the  war.  "  No  (said  the  manager)  I 
fear  it  is  owing  to  the  piece" 

THE  ANTIGALLICAN  PUN. 

A  Frenchman  in  a  coffee-house  called  for  a  gill 
of  wine,  which  was  brought  him  in  a. glass.  He 
said  it  was  the  French  custom  to  bring  wine  in  a 
measure.  The  waiter  answered,  "  Sir,  we  wish  for 
no  French  measures  here." 

A  CLERICAL  PUN. 

A  person  asked  the  minister  of  his  parish  what 
was  meant  by  "  He,  was  clothed  with  curses  as  with 
a  garment.'1'' — "  My  good  friend  (said  the  minister), 
it  means  that  he  had  got  a  habit  of  swearing" 

A  SELFISH  PUN. 

A  certain  tavern-keeper,  who  opened  an  oyster- 
shop  as  an  appendage  to  his  other  establishment, 
was  upbraided  by  a  neighbouring  oyster-monger,  as 
being  ungenerous  and  selfish.  "And  why  (said 
he),  would  you  not  have  me  seU-fishT' 

A  GAMBLING  PUN. 

At  a  ball  given  lately  by  a  very  rich  individual, 
M.  de  C.  found  himself  vis-a-vis  at  atabled'ecarte, 
with  a  valet-de-chambre  whom  he  had  turned  away 
some  days  before.  "  This  time  at  least,"  said  M. 


AND  PURPOSES.  173 

de  S.  to  whom  the  circumstance  was  related,  "  this 
time,  at  least,  he  knew  whom  he  had  to  deal  with  !" 

A  STAYMAKER'S  PUN. 

A  poor  corset-maker,  out  of  work,  and  starving, 
thus  vented  his  miserable  complaint :  "  Shame 
that  I  should  be  without  bread ;  I  that  have  stayed 
the  stomachs  of  thousands  !"" 

CLERICAL  PUNS. 

At  a  church  in  Ireland,  where  there  was  a  po- 
pular call  for  a  minister,  as  it  is  termed,  two  can- 
didates offered  to  preach,  whose  names  were  Adam 
and  Low.  The  latter  preached  in  the  morning, 
and  took  for  his  text,  "  Adam^  where  art  thou  ?" 
He  made  a  very  excellent  discourse,  and  the  con- 
gregation were  much  edified.  In  the  afternoon 
Mr.  Adam  preached  upon  these  words,  "  Lo !  here 
am  I."  The  impromptu  and  the  sermon  gained 
him  the  appointment. 

HORNE   TOOKE1  S  PEDIGREE. 

Home  Tooke  having,  in  a  political  argument, 
obtained  an  advantage  over  his  opponent,  concluded 
by  saying,  "  his  irritable  friend  looked  as  red  with 
vexation  as  a  Turkey  Cock"  The  other,  thinking 
to  wound  his  feelings  by  a  cutting  retort  to  this 
sarcasm,  observed  "  that  he  dared  to  sav  Mr.  Tooke 


174  PUNS   FOR  ALL    PERSONS 

had  quite  forgotten  who  his  father  was  ?"  "  Oh ! 
no  indeed,  I  have  not,"  said  Tooke,  "  he  was  a 
Turkey  Merchant,  (i.  e.  a  Poulterer.)"" 

A  JOE   MUNDEN. 

It  being  told  the  comedian,  during  his  stay  at 
Brighton,  that  Mrs.  Coutts  had  offered  five  thousand 
pounds  for  Byam-House,  Munden  exclaimed, 
"  My  wigs  and  eyes  !  five  thousand  pounds  to  buy- 
a-mouse!  What  the  devil  will  the  woman  do  next  ?" 

PARISIAN  PUNS. 

1.  The  Count  de  Sedan  held  that  little  state  as  a 
fief  of  the  crown  of  France,  of  which  he  was  in  other 
respects  a  subject.     Louis  XIV.  wishing  to  put  his 
paw  upon  this  domain,  had  the  Count  arrested  and 
clapped  into  the  Bastille,  on  a  supposed  charge  of 
treason.     The  result  was,  that,  in  order  to  save  his 
life,  he  gave  up  his  possessions ;  on  which  the  wits 
of  Paris  made  this  pun — "  77  donnoit  Sedan  (ses 
dents)  pour  sauver  sa  tete." 

2.  Madame  de  Stael  has  been  much  admired  for 
her  handsome  figure,  and  particularly  her  fine  arm, 
but  unfortunately  disfigured  by  her  deformed  foot. 
Being  in  a  gallery  at  Paris,  where  there  was  an 
empty  pedestal,  vain  of  her  person,  she  mounted, 
and  placed  herself  in  an   attitude  to  display   her 


AND  PURPOSES.  175 

figure  to  advantage ;  but  unluckily  one  of  her  feet 
peeped  out.  A  wit  approached,  and  seeming  to 
look  only  at  the  pedestal,  exclaimed,  "  O  le  vilain 
Pic-de-stal  r 

3.  Mons.  St.  Priest,  who  had  been  ambassador 
from  the  court  of  France  to  the  Ottoman  Porte, 
was  afterwards  sent,  in  a  diplomatic  capacity,  to 
the  Hague;  but  on  account  of  some  ceremonial 
being  neglected,  he  refused  to  enter  the  gates  of 
that  place.  This  gave  occasion  to  the  wits  of 
Paris  to  observe,  that  he  was  still  "  ambassadeur 
a  la  Porte" 

COMMERCIAL    PUNS. 

FROM  "  TRAVELLER'S  HALL,"  "  English  Spy" 

"  I  don't  see  the  bee's  wing  in  this  port,  Mr. 
Blackstrap,  that  you  are  bouncing  about,"  said  a 
London  traveller  to  a  timber  merchant.  "  No, 
sir,"  said  the  humourist,  "  it  is  not  to  be  seen  until 
you  are  a  deal  higher  in  spirits;  the  film  of  the 
'wing  is  seldom  discernible  in  such  mahogany- 
coloured  wine  as  this."  "  Sir,  I  blush  like  rose- 
wood at  your  impertinence."  "  Ay,  sir,  and  you  '11 
soon  be  as  red  as  logwood,  or  as  black  as  ebony,  if 
you  will  but  do  justice  to  the  bottle,"  was  the  reply. 
"  There  is  no  being  cross-grained  with  you,"  said 


176  PUNS  FOR    ALL  PERSONS 

the  timber-merchant.  "  Not  unless  you  cut  me," 
retorted  Blackstrap,  "  and  you  are  not  sap  enough 
for  that."  "  Gentlemen,"  continued  the  facetious 
wine-merchant,  "  if  we  do  not  get  a  little  fruit,  I 
shall  think  we  have  not  met  with  our  dessert-  and 
although  there  be  some  among  us  whose  principals 
are  worth  a,  plum,  there  are  very  few  of  their  repre- 
sentatives, I  suspect,  who  will  offer  any  objections 
to  my  reasons.'" 


A  COCKNEY  &  PUN. 

, 


A  Londoner  told  his  frienfl  that  he  was  going  to 
Margate  for  a  change  of  7*air ;  "  You  had  better," 
said  the  other,  "  go  to  the  wig-maker's  shop? 

AN  IRISH  PUN. 
The  two  T ay  men. 

About  the  time  of  the  issue  of  the  new  crown- 
pieces,  Messrs.  Bish  and  Sparrow,  the  advertising 
tea-dealers,  though  strongly  opposed  to  each  other, 
for  two  of  a  trade  never  agree,  set  about,  highly  to 
their  credit,  a  reformation  in  the  price  and  quality 
of  the  "  fragrant  lymph."  An  old  Irish  woman, 
fond  of  a  cup  of  "  good  mixed,"  thought,  what 
much  more  sensible  people  do,  that  the  above 
worthies  were  no  less  than  patriots;  but  she  even 
went  further;  on  being  asked  by  a  neighbour  the 


AND    PURPOSES.  177 

,.     - 

meaning  round  the  edge  of  the  coin  of  "  Decus  et 
Tutamen,"  said  she,  "  By  the  powers  I  suppose 
Decus  means  the  King,  but  Bish  and  Sparrow  are 
the  Two  Taymen^ 

A  SPORTING  PUN. 

Managing  the  Pack. 

A  country  gentleman,  who  was  celebrated  for 
taking  the  lead  with  some  of  the  first-rate  hunts, 
became  so  much  reduced  in  circumstances  by  his 
attachment  to  gaming,  as  to  accept  the  office  of 
dealer  at  a  gambling  table.  A  friend  (like  Matthews' s 
Dr.  Prolix),  with  infinite  promptitude,  observed, 
"  that  he  continued  to  follow  his  old  predilection, 
for  he  still  managed  the  pack" 
"  BULL'S"  PUNS  ON  THE  LATE  PANIC  AMONG  THE 

BANKERS. 

"  In  the  city,  while  Currie  was  Raiking  to- 
gether his  cash,  Sir  Jolm  Lubbock  Fostered  his 
Clarices;  Sir  William  Kay  knew  his  Price ;  Rogers 
felt  Toogood  to  smash  ;  one  house  in  Fleet-street 
Praed  to  get  through  it ;  and  while  another  chuckled 
like  a  Child,  the  Goslings  were  looking  Sharp  after 
their  concerns — poor  Hodsoll"  added  the  dunce, 
"  was  obliged  to  give  up  his  Stirling  capital}  but 
Stevenson  knew  his  partner  was  worth  his  Salt ; 
Dorien,  Magens,  and  Dorien,  got  Mello  with  re- 
joicing, and  Jansen  was  never  near  being  (  done 

N 


178  PUNS   FOB  ALL  PERSONS 

Brown;1  Paxton  and  Cockerell,  according  to  culi- 
nary custom,  sent  their  Trail  to  take  care  of  the 
long-bills ;  and  though  Fry  might  have  been  in  a 
Stew  for  a  time,  he  (like  the  Smiths  of  Mansion 
House-street)  soon  had  his  Payne  removed. 

"At  the  west  end  of  the  town,  though  Scott  Claude 
up  his  money  at  the  moment,  he  soon  began  to  pay 
again ;  Kinnaird  said  he  could  Ransom  his  credit 
whenever  he  chose ;  while  the  other  house  in  Pall- 
mall  declared  they  had  More-land  than  would  settle 
the  claims  of  all  their  creditors  ;  and  although  Mar- 
ten expected  a  Call  on  Arnold,  they  were  equally 
steady  with  the  house  of  Cocks  (^suet-Ridges)  at 
Charing-cross,  who  crowed  most  lustily  at  their  own 
stability  ;  every  body  knows,  said  the  wag,  that 
Green-wood  never  breaks,  and  as  for  Thomas's  in 
Henrietta-street,  it  was  very  soon  ascertained  that 
there,  all  was  Wright.'''' 

A  HARROW  PUN. 

Receiving  a  youth  back  who  has  been  expelled 
for  a  misdemeanour,  upon  condition  that  he  be 
severely  flogged,  appears  to  be  a  very  odd  mode  of 
healing  the  breech. 

A  SOLDIER'S  PUN. 

The  peculiar  new  mode  of  'drilling  the  soldiers 
in  St,  James's  Park,  ought,  from  the  variety  of 
their  evolutions,  to  be  termed  quadrilling. 


AND  PURPOSES.  179 

A  PROFESSIONAL  PUN. 

Speaking  of  professions,  there  must  be  somebody 
in  every  way.  'c  Ay,"  replied  Taylor  the  flute 
player,  "  and  there  is  a  great  number  of  folks  in 
one  another's  way." 

A  MUSICAL  PUN. 

To  make  a  competent  double  bass  player,  it  re- 
quires a  head-piece,  while  a  wind  instrument  per- 
former wants  only  a  mouth-piece  (I.  e.  a  reed). 

A  BREAD  AND  MEAT  PUN. 

A  needy  adventurer  coming  to  London,  who 
was  very  thin,  observed  to  S.  Taylor,  that  he 
only  wanted  to  pick  up  a  little  bread  among  the 
musical  profession  ;  to  which  the  joker  replied,  "  If 
you  can  pick  up  a  little  Jlesh  at  the  same  time,  it 
will  not  be  amiss." 

A  PUN  UPON  MY  HONOR  ! 

A  person  who  was  addicted  to  "  pledge  his  honor' 
upon  all  occasions,  observed,  on  looking  through 
the  window,  "  It  rains,  upon  my  honor"  "  Yes," 
said  Taylor,  "  and  it  will  rain  upon  MY  honor  if 
I  go  out." 

CLASSICAL  PUN. 

"  Do  you  know,"  said  an  Oxonian  to  his  friend, 
"  why  an  acre  of  land  bought  on  a  stipulation  to 


180  FUNS    FOR  ALL   PERSONS 

pay  the  purchase-money  a  year  hence,  resembles  an 
ancient  lyric  song  ?     Because  it  is  An-acre-on-tick, 

A  WARM  PUN. 

"  You  are  never  witty,"  said  a  friend,  "  until  you 
are  well  warmed  with  wine"  "  That  may  be,"  re- 
plied the  punster  :  "  but  it  is  no  reason,  good  sir, 
that  I  am  to  be  well-roasted? 

THE. EXCISE-OFFICE  V.  THE  STAMP-OFFICE. 

Foster,  the  oboe  player,  of  Drury  Lane  Theatre 

.  y 
(and  who    also    belonged    to   the    Excise   Office) 

'happened  one  day,  at  a  rehearsal,  to  be  playing 
out  of  time.  Shaw,  the  leader,  began  to  stamp 
violently,  and  said,  "  Why  don't  you  play  in  better 
time,  you  member  of  the  Excise  Office  ?"  Upon 
which  Foster  replied,  "  None  of  your  jeers  to 
members  of  the  Exc'se  Office:  you  seem  to  be  a 
member  of  the  Stamp  Office  yourself." 

HARPING  UPON  A  FIGURE. 

A  professional  harpist  (who  was  a  very  incom- 
petent performer),  one  night  at  Drury  Lane 
Theatre,  boasted  of  the  elegant  figure  upon  the 
head  of  his  harp;  observing  that  it  cost  him  eight 
guineas  the  cutting  of  it.  Foster  immediately  ex- 
claimed, "  Sir,  if  I  played  upon  the  harp,  I  would 
endeavour  to  cut  a  figure  myself." 


AND  PURPOSES.  181 

029391  j'JOIJ'lll  IK^'f.  i.  V9HOfn-9a&ffotUU  3  fit-  /»'.U  . 
A  PUNSTER  S  REQUISITES  FOR  AN  M.  P. 

"  To  get  into  the  gallery  of  the  House  of 
Commons,"  said  a  punster,  "  a  man  must  have 
the  ribs  of  a  rhinoceros ;  to  obtain  a  good  place 
in  the  body  of  the  house,  the  qualities  of  a 
cornelian ;  to  secure  a  seat  on  the  treasury  bench, 
he  must  not  fear  to  tread-a-wry.  Opposition  he 
must  write  thus — '  oppo'-site — position ;  ministerial, 
men-ivho-steer-well.  Private  bills  he  may  quote  as 
examples  of  private  punishment ;  the  speaker's 
dinners,  a  speechless  banquet,  where  every  guest 
leaves  politics  for  polite-tricks.  To  speak  well  and 
long,  you  must  display  artificial  feelings,  have 
leathern  lungs,  a  face  of  brass,  an  elephant's  saga- 
city, and  a  lions  courage ;  and,  with  all  these  quali- 
fications, you  may  perchance  be  considered  bear- 
able ;  without  them  you  are  certain  to  come  in  for 


a  scrape*. 


A  PUNSTERS  APHORISMS. 


If  you  mean  to  be  a  domestic  animal,  never  marry 

•^flt    /jrT(,<;:    ^'ii.;'^       <  .  '-ill  L 

a  woman  of  a  wild  disposition.     An  ugly  helpmate, 
though  she  may  have  the  wealth  of  Plutus,  and  the 

virtues  of  an  angeL  can  never  be  considered  as  a 
blui  "  .,£»raiaJa 

*  Alluding  to  the  practice  of  the  members  scraping  their 
feet  upon  the  floor  when  a  speaker  is  considered  tiresome. 


182  PUNS    FOR    ALL   PERSONS,   &C. 

lovely  wife.  If  you  would  live  happily,  always 
whistle  when  your  wife  whines  or  scolds.  If  she 
should  grow  furious,  take  yourself  into  the  cool  air, 
without  trying  to  pacify  her.  A  man  who  exposes 
himself  to  a  storm  is  sure  to  get  pelted.  Never 
offend  the  ears  of  a  modest  woman  by  a  coarse  or 
indelicate  expression  :  \hefairest  mirror  is  stained 
by  a  passing  breath.  Never  marry  a  woman  for 
money,  lest,  obtaining  the  honey,  you  are  stung  by 
the  queen  bee.  Never  lose  an  opportunity  for 
making  a  good  pun,  when  you  can  do  it  consistent 
with  good  nature,  and  without  endangering  the 
esteem  of  good  friends.  A  pun,  to  pass  current, 
should  bear  the  stamp  of  wit,  and  be  struck  off  in 
the  mint  of  originality.  A  genuine  bad  pun  is  not 
always  a  bad  joke.  Late  hours  make  lazy  servants, 
a  loquacious  wife,  and  end  in  making  a  long  purse 
light,  a  long  illness  heavy,  and  long  life  very  un- 
certain. 

BEKNAUD  BLACKMANTLE. 

TARTANl's    DREAM — A  TAIL  PIECE. 

BLACKMANTLE'S  labours  here,  are  done, 
Ye  wits,  and  wags,  in  mirth  who  revel ; 

Approve  each  epigram  and  pun, 
And  BERNARB  proves  a  merry  devil. 


A 

PUNNING   ESSAY 

ON  THE 

ANTIQUITY  OF  THE  ENGLISH  LANGUAGE, 

BY 

THE  AUTHOR  OF  'MY  POCKET-BOOK *;' 

Originally  printed  as  one  of  Dean  Swift's  Three  Manuscripts, 
discovered  at  St.  Patrick's  Abbey. 


A  FRAGMENT. 

WE  observe  in  Homer's  Batruchomyomachia,  that  the 
instant  the  frog  Calaminthius  sees  the  mouse  Pterno- 
glt/phus,  he  is  so  frightened  that  he  abandons  his  shield 
and  jumps  into  the  lake :  and  this  confirms  our  etymo- 
logy of  the  mouse's  name,  Turn  ugly  face. 

*  This  highly  celebrated  little  book,  it  will  by  some  be  remembered, 
was  written  to  ridicule  Sir  John  Carr's  '  Stranger  in  Ireland ;'  and  a 
more  happy,  witty,  original,  and  pleasant  satire,  is  not  to  be  found 
in  the  English  language.  The  book  is  now  out  of  print,  and  only 
to  be  met  with  in  the  libraries  of  the  curious.  Had  I  any  reason  to 
suppose  that  the  author  (Mr.  Dubois),  would  have  republished  his 
work,  much  as  I  should  have  had  to  regret  the  loss  of  these  articles 
here,  I  certainly  would  not  have  taken  them  to  do  injury  to  their 
own  witty  and  original  parent. 


184  I'DNNtNG  ESSAY. 

In  the  same  poem,  also,  we  find  a  warrior-mouse 
called  Lichenor,  which  some,  who,  like  certain  commen- 
tators on  Shakspeare,  will  always  be  running  to  the 
Greek  for  interpretations,  consider  as  signifying  one 
addicted  to  licking,  but  here  we  see  the  imbecility  of 
foreign  resources,  and  the  great  strength  of  our  own. 
Their  explanation  is  certainly  something  near  the 
mark,  but  for  a  mouse,  how  much  more  germain  to  the 
matter  is  ours — Lick  and  gnaw  ?  It  is  true,  that  I 
may  have  mistaken  the  sense  of  my  opponents'  language, 
but  even  granting  them  the  full  latitude  of  understand- 
ing by  their  words,  as  applied  to  our  military  mouse, 
that  he  was  one  addicted  to  licking-  or  conquering-,  yet 
is  it  by  no  means  so  full  and  expressive  as  it  appears  in 
our  exposition.  Besides,  it  must  be  remembered  that 
Lichenor  was  not  so  much  "  addicted  to  licking"  as  to 
being  licked,  witness  the  frog  Hypsiboas's  running  him 
through  the  body  with  a  rush.  See  1.  202. 

At  v.  244,  we  have  the  mouse  Sitophagus,  who  like 
many  a  soldier  of  modern  times  had  recourse  to  his  heels 
and  betook  himself  to  a  snug  dry  ditch — r^aro  8'sg 
roKpov.  I  had  always  some  suspicion  that  this  name 
was  particularly  corrupted  in  the  last  syllable,  and  the 
foregoing  circumstance  has,  fortunately  for  the  literary 
world,  furnished  me  with  a  conjecture  that  seems  to 
place  the  etymology  of  this  coward's  title  beyond  all 
doubt : — Set  off"  again — his  invariable  custom  on  these 
occasions,  which  was  perhaps  owing  to  his  having  studied 
the  art  m'ditaire  in  Hudibras,  where  he  learnt  that 

Timely  niiiiiii'g't  no  main  purl 

Of  conduct  in  the  martial  tut. 


PUNNING  ESSAY.  185 

Sitojthagus,  from  Set  off  again,  is  perfectly  within 
the  canon  of  parce  dctorta,  which  it  may  not  be  amiss 
here  to  repeat : 

"  New  words  are  allowable,  if  they  descend,"  says 
Horace,  "from  the  English*  spring,  with  a  sparing 
distortion." 

I  have  neither  leisure  nor  inclination  to  go  through 
the  whole  of  the  names  of  the  heroes  in  Homer's  battle 
of  the  frogs  and  mice;  nor  is  it  necessary,  for  it  must 
be  apparent  to  every  ingenuous  critic  that  they  are  all 
derived  from  one  source.  Such,  however,  as  occur  to 
me  elsewhere,  and  are  thought  by  many  to  have  very 
different  roots,  I  shall  notice  for  the  purpose  of  dis- 
pelling the  clouds  of  error,  and  restoring  the  light  of 
truth. 

Pallas.  This  word  should  be  written  thus  'Pallas, 
with  an  apostrophe,  as  in  the  instance  of 'fore  for  afore. 
Its  origin  then  clearly  appears.  The  goddess  was  so 
called  on  account  of  the  Gorgon's  head  on  her  shield, 
that  had  the  power  of  killing  or  turning  into  stone, 
which  was  indeed  enough  to  Appal  vs. 

In  a  very  singular  work,  printed  in  1611,  and  entitled 
Stafford's  Niobe,  I  find  something  like  an  attempt  to 
prove  that  the  goddess  of  wisdom  acquired  the  name  of 
Pallas  from  the  Paleness  she  occasions  in  her  followers. 
The  author's  words  are  simply,  "Pallas,  whose  liverieis 
paleness,''  which,  if  allowed  to  have  any  etymological 
b'»rbiJt3<8iTr/£ir?i(i  orjjnrwo  ttjufh^Hj  aftTCdbiifa  ^aoiagooo 

JfiiiJ  Jjpii-ji  oii  I'Oiiv  .-  ii  ?'Sj>MVttvv  i«>  srft 

*  Anglo  fonte  cadant,  parce  detarta. 

So  Horace  doubtless  wrote,  and  thus  I  always  read  the  passage, 
correcting  the  corruption  (Grceco  fonte)  which  has  so  long  obtained) 
lo  the  injury  of  truth  and  good  letters. 


186  I'UNNING  ESSAt. 

4 

bearing,  will,  from  their  date,  at  once  deprive  me  of  all 
credit  for  originality  in  this  department  of  philology. 
The  learned  reader  is  left  to  decide  on  this  nice  point, 

Venus,  from  wean  us,  as  it  is  even  now  elegantly  pro- 
nounced by  many.  As  the  heavenly  Venus  had  that 
power  with  the  Gods,  so  has  each  earthly  one  with  us, 
namely,  to  itiean  us  from  all  other  earthly  things,  and 
hence  the  undoubted  derivation. 

'Hysfwux,  or  Egemon,  with  the  Greeks,  meant  a  ge- 
neral, and  is  very  evidently  borrowed  from  a  vulgar 
phrase  amongst  us,  most  pointedly  significant  of  the 
office  of  a  general,  with  respect  to  his  soldiers,  viz.  to 
egg  ''em  on.  It  will  be  observed,  that  I  have  sunk  the 
aspirate,  which  is  a  mere  vulgarism  in  the  Greek  speaker, 
as  in  such  instances  as  the  following  amongst  ours,  viz. 
"  Hi  ham"  for  I  am. 

Macrones,  a  people  on  the  confines  of  Colchis,  and  I 
should  suppose,  though  Flaccus  does  not  mention  it, 
and  I  have  no  leisure  to  turn  to  Herodotus,  remarkable 
for  their  partiality  to  dress,  since  the  word  is  clearly  an 
abbreviated  pronunciation  of  Macaronies. 

Celsus.  This  philosopher  composed  a  treatise  against 
the  Christians,  which  having  a  good  sale,  one  of  the 
Christians,  in  a  merry  mood,  said,  he  sells  us,  and  from 
that  moment  he  bore  his  present  name. 

L.  Mummius,  a  Roman  consul,  who  acquired  his  cog- 
nomen of  mummius,  or  mummy  us,  from  being  sent 
against  the  Achaeans,  whom  he  beat  most  unmercifully. 

Boreas,  This  wind  was  long  without  a  name,  until 
the  people  feeling  its  northern  blasts  exceedingly 
troublesome,  would  be  continually  crying,  "  how  they 
bore  K.V  /"  which  in  time  gave  rise  to  the  word  borea-s, 


PUNNINO    KSSAY.  187 

or  as  it  was  originally  pronounced  bore  us.  Here  we 
presently  come  at  the  etymology  of  the  verb  to  bore, 
which  has  hitherto  baffled  all  research  and  made  futile 
every  conjecture.  It  cannot  be  questioned  that  the 
Persian  Boreus,  and  Borus  the  son  of  Perieres,  had  their 
names  from  some  such  obnoxious  qualities  as  are  attri- 
buted to  the  wind,  though  we  are  at  a  loss  to  guess 
what  they  were,  and  are  by  no  means  willing  to  ven- 
ture an  hypothesis  that  may  lead  to  indecency.  It  is 
worthy  of  remark,  as  an  astonishing  fact,  that  these 
gentlemen  are  mentioned  by  Polysenus  and  Apollodorus, 
but  without  a  word  in  the  Stratagems  of  the  one,  or  in 
the  Bibliotheca  of  the  other,  that  throws  any  light  on 
the  matter. 

Philostratus.  A  famous  sophist,  and  very  liberal  and 
expensive  in  his  entertainments,  from  which  circum- 
stance his  friends  very  properly  gave  him  the  cognomen 
ofjlll  tis,  treat  us.  The  penultimate  of  Philostratus  is 
short  in  its  derived  state,  but  this  is  a  liberty  perfectly 
excusable  in  these  cases,  and  coming  assuredly  under  the 
description  of  parce  detorta. 

Mannus.     It  is  imagined  that  this  divinity  obtained 

his  name  from  having  once  undertaken  to  furnish  some 

Jlett  with  men  ;  but  from  being  a  German  God,  and  for 

other  reasons,  I  confess  that  I  have  no  great  faith  in 

this  etymology. 

JEsymnus.  This  anxious  politician's  consulting 
Apollo,  according  to  Pausanias,  on  the  subject  of  legis- 
lation, made  the  witlings  of  his  time  call  the  God  his 
nurse,  and  then  in  ridicule  exclaim  ease  him  nurse, 
which  speaks  for  itself. 

Bacchus,  or  Back  its;  and  admirably  so  called,  be- 


188 


PUNNING   ESSAY. 


cause  he  is  found  to  be  the  second  best  in  the  world,  in- 
spiring courage  even  in  a  coward. 

Confucius.  About  the  etymology  of  the  title  of  this 
famous  Chinese  philosopher,  we  are  much  in  the  dark ; 
but  it  seems  in  the  greatest  degree  probable  that  he  ob- 
tained it  from  being  a  philosopher  of  the  modern  de- 
scription, who  put  every  thing  into  confusion. 

Damon.  This  poet  received  his  name  from  a  cir- 
cumstance that  attended  his  banishment  from  Athens. 
When  the  sentence  was  brought  to  him,  he  began 
d — ning  and  swearing  most  bitterly,  on  which  the  offi- 
cer, a  rough  fellow,  said,  "  Oh,  you  may  Damn  on  as 
long  as  you  like,  it  does  nut  signify,  you  must  go." 
And  go  he  did,  but  still  swearing;  and  the  people,  who 
are  tickled  with  a  feather,  hearing  the  officer's  observa- 
tions repeated,  nicknamed  him  Damon,  or  as  it  was  for- 
merly written  and  spoken,  Dammon. 

Alula.  The  goddess  of  war.  See  Plutarch  de  Glor. 
Athen.  So  called  because  the  moment  she  took  the 
field  on  any  side,  that  side  had  the  battle  all  hollow. 

sEsacus.  He  persecuted  a  nymph  so  much  who  did 
not  like  him,  that  she  at  last  plunged  into  the  sea,  and 
was  metamorphosed  into  a  parrot,  and  in  that  state  still 
continued  to  exclaim,  as  she  was  wont,  he's  a  curse, 
which  soon  became  the  lover's  appellation. 

3111 

Titans.  A  title  given  to  the  sons  of  Crelus  and 
Terra,  by  Saturn,  when  they  warred  against  him. 
They  were  at  first  known  as  Hyperion,  Briareus,  &c.  ; 
but  when  the  god  heard  that  they  were  about  to  fight 
with  him,  he  smiled,  and  cried,  "  Ay,  ay, — ecod  they're 
tig/it  'un.'i  !"  and  this  name  has  distinguished  them 
ever  since. 


PUNNING    ESSAY.  189 


The  above  word  reminds  me  of  an  eastern  one  —  f 
or  Abaddon,  which  will  as  indubitably  as  a  thousand 
instances  of  the  like  nature,  prove  the  superior  antiquity 
of  the  English  language  over  that  of  the  Jews,  as  well 
as  that  of  the  Greeks,  and  it  is  very  probable,  in  an 
equal  degree,  over  every  other,  dead  or  alive.  Abaddon 
is  a  name  belonging  to  the  devil,  and  the  most  ignorant 
will  not  scruple  to  confess  that  they  plainly  perceive  its 
expressive  etymology  in  A  bad  'un, 

In  fine  —  sunt  certi  denique  jlnes  —  There  have  been 
writers  who  have  scarcely  left  Troy  or  its  famous  war 
"&  local  habitation  and  a  name  ;"  others  go  still  fur- 
ther, and  say  that  no  such  man  as  Homer,  the  author 
of  the  Iliad,  ever  existed  ;  and  a  third  party,  proceeding 
another  step,  talk  of  proving  incontestibly  that  there 
never  -were  any  ancients.  But  one  wise  man  (with  whom 
I  am  proud  to  join  issue)  positively  affirms,  that  those 
who  are  called  the  ancients  were  born  in  the  infancy  of 
the  world,  and  do  not  deserve  the  title,  but  that  we  who 
live  in  this  enlightened  age,  with  all  the  wisdom  of 
past  times  at  our  command,  are,  truly  speaking,  the 
just  and  legitimate  ancients.  This,  being  reasonably 
substantiated,  lends  its  powerful  assistance  to  confirm 
the  opinion  respecting  the  prime  antiquity  of  our  native 
tongue,  and  I  cannot  conclude  without  indulging  the 
irresistible  impulse  I  feel  to  acknowledge,  that  I  have 
no  more  doubt  than  I  have  with  respect  to  any  thing 
yet  stated,  that  it  will  ultimately  prove  to  be  the  M»I*. 

usrital  language. 

0     °    i  ,:,  v<soj.  i,  •!'  <*aJ  nsnw.iBd, 

ns9rit  ixx^-^-.v.*    (A  **  tlK>tr.i  hsifc  .boitiiio  91!  v 


OR 

PUNS  FOR  ALL  PERSONS  AND  SEASONS. 
A  FRAGMENT. 

"  Comitantibus  armis, 
PUNica  se — attollet  gloria."          Virg.  JEn.  iv. 

PREFATORY  remarks  on  the  art  of  punning — its  an- 
tiquity from  Homer's  outis,  through  Sophocles,  Cicero, 
&c.  down  to  Shakspeare,  &c.  Its  advantages  over  wit. 
Wit  requires  wit  in  the  hearer  to  comprehend  it — a 
lasting  and  insuperable  objection  to  its  universality. 
Puns,  on  the  contrary,  require  no  wit  to  make  them, 
nor  any  to  understand  them.  Prove  this  by  their  well- 
known  effect  on  stupidity  in  drawing-rooms,  theatres, 
&c.  An  act  to  abolish  punning  would  be  the  destruc- 
tion of  three-quarters  of  what  are  called  the  wits  of  our 
times,  and  fifteen-sixteenths  of  the  dramatic  writers. 

Under  these  circumstances  of  fashion  and  prevalence, 
a  man  might  as  well  go  into  a  gambling  house  without 
knowing  how  to  play,  as  into  company  without  knowing 
how  to  make  himself  agreeable  by  punning.  Rules  are 
necessary  for  the  acquisition  of  every  art.  Let  what 
Ovid  desired  to  have  said  of  him,  in  respect  to  love, 
be  said  of  me,  with  regard  to  punning — "  Magister 
crat." 


EVERY    MAN    HIS    OWN    PUNSTER.  191 

In  the  rules  divide  thus — puns  for  every  day,  in  one 
week,  in  winter,  spring,  summer,  and  autumn.  Puns, 
in  these  different  seasons,  for  men,  and  puns  for  women, 
varied  according  to  the  class  of  life,  and  the  rank  held 
in  the  particular  establishment,  &c.  &e. 

MASTER  OF  A  FAMILY. 

First  day — Sketch  to  be  jilted  up. 

Sunday. — This  is  a  day  of  rest  for  all  things  but 
women's  tongues  and  puns — they  have  none.  You  go 
to  church,  of  course,  to  set  a  good  example  to  your  fa- 
mily, but  let  them  attend  to  the  parson,  you  may  be 
preparing  puns  against  dinner-time,  when  you  expect  a 
party. 

The  man  of  the  house  is  nothing  without  his  wife. 
It  is  becoming  that  she  should  assist  you — she  is  your 
help-mate.  Connive  together,  and  let  her  put  leading 
questions.  Half  an  hour  before  dinner — company  come. 

All  very  stupid  as  usual.     Mrs. observes,  that  she 

fears  that  the  dinner  will  be  rather  late,  as  she  was 
obliged  to  take  Adam,  the  footman,  to  the  park,  on  ac- 
count of  the  children.  The  husband  immediately  re- 
marks, that  Adam  may  be  the  jirst  of  men,  but  he  is  a 
damn  slow  fellow. 

Mrs. .  My  dear  Tom,  you  deserve  a  Cane  for 

that. 

Mr. .  Ay,  if  you  were  Able  to  give  it  to  me, 

who  am  a  host  to-day.  Perhaps  you  were  on  the  Eve 
of  saying  this  ;  well,  there  's  as  much  chance  in  these 
things  as  in  a  Pair  o'  dice. 

(A  general  laugh.) 


192  EVERY  MAN  HIS  OWN  PUNSTER. 

Here  you  are  at  the  end  of  this  excellent  subject.  I 
don't  know  that  any  thing  more  can  be  made  of  it. 

N.  B.  Hire  no  man  unless  his  name  is  Adam,  or  he 
will  suffer  you  to  call  him  so. 

Let  your  children  enter.  •  Miss  Lucy,  George,  and 
Theodore,  all  punsters,  but  this  day  is  devoted  to  the 
father.  Call  your  daughter,  Lucy,  because,  if  you  are 
a  profound  scholar,  you  can  frequently  bring  in  "  luce 
clarior."  Your  other  girl,  Sally,  ran  away  with  an 
apothecary.  Mrs. will  say  this,  and  you  '11  ex- 
claim, "  Ah,  SAL  volatile  !" 

Invite  a  poor  French  priest*  to  your  table  at  these 
times.  He  is  always  to  ask,  when  your  children  appear, 
"  Est  ce  quits  sont  tous  par  la  meme  mere  ?" 

When  you  are  to  reply — "  Yes,  I  believe  they  are  all 
by  the  same  mare,  but  I  won't  answer  for  the  horse  t." 

This  is  not  very  complimentary  to  your  wife ;  but  it 
would  be  a  pretty  joke  indeed,  if  a  good  pun  was  to  be 
lost  for  such  a  trifling  consideration. 

If  you  consult  decency  too  much,  there 's  an  end  of 
wit.  He  who  digs  for  diamonds  must  not  be  over 
squeamish  about  dirt.  Here  Mrs.  — —  may  say,  ' '  My 
dear  Tom,  I  wish  the  man  would  bring  up  the  dinner." 

Mr. .  "  Bring  up  the  dinner,  my  love  ?  Heaven 

forbid !  As  Dido  says,  that 's  '  sic  sic,'  so  so  J ." 

*  The  word  Emigre,  which  appears  in  this  article  as  before  printed, 
would  at  once  destroy  the  unquestionable  right  Swift  has  to  the  honour 
of  this  MS.  for  Emigre  did  not  obtain  in  our  language  till  long 
after  his  death. 

f  This  has  been  given  to  Foote ;  but  dates  decide. 

\  JEa.  iv.  650. 


EVERY  MAN  HIS  OWN  PUNSTER.  193 

You  must  not  be  too  nice,  as  I  observed  before. 

(Mrs. rings  the  bell.) 

Enter  Servant. 

Mrs. .  Is  dinner  ready  ? 

Mr.  (Looking-  round.) — The  chops  are,  I'm  sure. 
Adam.  It  is  dishing  now,  ma'am. 

(A  crash,  heard  as  if  an  accident.) 
Mr. Dishing  indeed — I  fear  it's  dished. 

Dinner — all  seated. 

Mrs. .  Will  any  body  take  soup  ? 

Mr. .  What,  before  grace,  you  graceless  rogues. 

There 's  no  parson  here,  I  see,  though  we  are  'not  with- 
out some  of  the  cloth.  Well,  I'll  say  it — grace  at 
dinner  is  meet. 

[[A  universal  laugh.  The  sight  of  dinner  is  a  breeder 
of  good-humour.] 

Take  care  to  have  the  salt-cellars  put  on  the  table 
empty. 

Mr. .  Why  what  the  devil  's  this — no  salt ! 

Mrs. .  (As  planned.) — You  have  salt  enough, 

I  'm  sure,  my  dear. 

Mr. .  "  Ego  ^wwior  ipse^'  Ovid.  Very  well, 

very  well !  my  wife  is  not  amiss:  but  the  salt,  Adam. 

Adam.  Sir,  the  house-keeper  's  gone  out,  and  I  don 't 
know  where  to  get  any.  ' 

Mr.  .  Why  an 't  here  four  salt' SELLERS  ? 

[The  Frenchman  does  not  understand  this,  but  he  is 
to  laugh  heartily  nevertheless.] 

O  J  J 

Mrs. .  Here,  Adam  ;  take  this  key,  and  you'll 

find  some  in  the  store-room,  at  the  top  of  the  house. 
Mr.     i     .  Attic  salt,  eh !  ha,  ha,  ha !  Well,  come 


194  EVEEY  MAN  HIS  OWN  PUNSTER 

let 's  fall  to ;  this  meat  will  keep  no  longer  without 
salt. 

Mrs.  — — .  My  dear  Tom,  that  rich  dish  will  only 
give  you  the  gout. 

Mr. -.  Pooh  !  "  Chacun  a  son  gout."  Why 

should  not  I  eat  it,  as  well  as  another  ? 

Mrs. Bless  me,  how  you  mangle  that  duck. 

Mr. .  Mangle  it,  my  love.  Well,  I  think  that 's 

better  than  to  wash  and  iron  it ;  but  tell  me  how  you  '11 
have  it  done,  and  you  shall  find  me  ductile. 

[Many  opportunities  will  offer  of  making  obscene  puns, 
but  I  give  no  rules  for  these ;.  they  come  naturally  to 
every  punster !  All  I  shall  say  is,  that  they  must  never 

be  neglected.] 

,  *          ^        * 

Let  your  cook  be  famous  for  pancakes.  One  of  your 
,.,,,  ,  ,  .  .  - 

little  boys  must  inquire  for  some. 

Mr. -.  My  dear,  this  is  Sunday;  you  know  we 

can 't  have  pancakes  till  jPrz-day. 

[Many  more  puns  must  be  introduced.  Champaign, 
real  pain  ;  after  all  cheese  is  best,  &cQ 

The  company  will,  probably,  add  some,  and  you  may, 
also,  by  accident  3  however,  you  '11  have  this  advantage 
over  your  friends,  that  you  '11  be  certain  of  all  these 
while  you  're  with  your  wife,  and  at  home.  Your  ac- 
quaintance, of  course,  have  names,  and  if  they  have  no 
other  merit,  it 's  very  hard  if  you  can 't  make  something 
of  them  in  the  pun  way.  Any  blockhead  can  do  that. 

DESSERT. 

Mr.-e — .  "  Give  ever,y  man  his  deserts"  Shakspeare. 
Mrs.     .  I.  .  My  love,,  shall  I  send  you  a  peach  ? 


EVERY  MAN  HIS  OWN  PUNSTER.  195 

Mr.  .  Yes,  and  if  it  isn't  a  good  one,  1 11  itt- 

peach  your  judgment. 

By  connivance  with  the  Frenchman,  he  must  offer 
you  a  pinch  of  Maccuba  snuff,  saying  he 's  sorry  it  is 
not  better,  but  his  Tonquin  bean  has  lost  its  flavour. 
You  then  reply — Ay,  I  see  it 's  one  of  the  &W-BEENS. 

Mrs. .  Oh  !  that 's  too  bad. 

Mr.  .  Why,  it 's  wit  at  a  pinch,  at  any  rate ; 

therefore  it  need  not  make  you  bate- — I,  as  if  I  had  got 
into  the  wrong  box. — (Turning  to  the  boys.)—~ What 's 
Latin  for  goose,  eh  ! 

Boys.  Brandy, papa! 

Mrs. .  You  '11  kill  yourself  with  that  vile  liquor. 

Mr. .  How  can  that  be — Isn  't  it  eau  de  vie  ? 

Mrs. ,  at  some  time,  must  call  for  the  nutmeg 

grater. — You  take  it,  and  address  your  neighbour :  Sir, 
you  are  a  great  man,  but  here  is  a  grater. 

The  sweetmeats  will  be  praised  of  course. 

Mr.  '  .  .  All  my  wife's  doing.  Nancy's  a  notable 
woman,  I  assure  you ;  but  I  'm  more  not  able  than  she 
is,  an 't  I,  my  dear  ? 

Ladies  all  rise. 

Mrs.  .  (Blushing.) — I  can  take  a  hint.  My 

dear,  pray  touch  the  bell. 

Mr. .  (Chucking-  a  young  lady  under  the  chin.) 

— Yes,  my  love,  I  '11  touch  the  belle. 

Mrs.  — — .  ( Going.) — You  wag ! 

Mr. .  No,  I  think  you  ivag,  but — (bffvoing) — I 

bow  to  you. 

The  ladies  gone,  the  gentlemen  need  no  instructions. 
They  will  all  have  recourse  to  their  mother  tongue,  and 


196  EVEEY  MAN  HIS  OWN  PUNSTEE. 

the  most  ignorant  will  shine  the  most.  The  master 
must  begin  with  half  a  dozen  obscene  puns,  to  make 
himself  agreeable,  and  the  conversation  general  *. 

THE  TEA  TABLE. 

Mr. .  (Entering  after  all  the  rest.) — Ah !  Mrs. 

— — — ,  what  I  see  you  are  at  home  to  a  T  to-night. 

Boys.  Pa,  we  have  had  no  tea. 

Mr. .  "  Sine  te  juventas."  That's  wrong.  It 

is  right  that  you  should  not  be  left  out. 

Mrs.  — —  purposely  sends  a  dish  of  tea  to  a  lady, 
without  sugar,  of  which  she  complains. 

Mr .  (Handing  the  sugar  basin.) — Well,  ma'am, 

if  you  do  not  like  it,  you  may  lump  it. 

[TYIiss  Lucy  plays  on  the  piano-forte,  but  is  to  fail  in 
her  first  attempt.] 

Mrs.  ~ (As  planned.) — That  comes  of  playing  at 

sight. 

Mr. .  At  sight!  Why  what  the  deuce  would 

come  if  she  was  to  shut  her  eyes  ? 

If  any  thing  like  serious  or  sensible  conversation 
should  be  introduced,  and  there's  no  knowing  what 
some  dull  fellow  may  not  do,  put  an  end  to  it  at  once 

*  Here  I  have  run  my  pencil  through  several  puns  on  the  ladies' 
retiring.  Though  he  says  it  is  unnecessary.  Swift  could  not  help 
indulging  the  natural  bent  of  his  genius,  which  is  a  strong  proof  of 
the  authenticity  of  the  MS.  An  additional  evidence  appears  in  a 
query  in  a  memorandum  made  on  the  margin  of  this  MS.  for  the 
puns  for  &  farmer.  Some  one,  who  has  rye-fields,  is  to  write  to  him 
—Pray  send  me  men  to  mow  rye  ?  and  he  is  to  return  a  skulL 
Memento  mori — Don't  you  see  ?  But  query — will  mowing  rye  do 
for  any  but  our  Irish  farmers  ? 


EVERY  MAN  HIS  OWN  PUNSTER.  197 

with  a  pun.  If  he  talk  of  war,  suppose  he  means  the 
Pun-iv  war,  and  say  that  in  your  battles  you  are  with 
Livy — "  Punctim  magis  quam  coesim  peto  hostem." 
If  he  speak  of  the  army,  look  archly  at  your  wife,  and 
say  you  expect  soon  to  have  a  son  in  arms,  &c.  Should 
he  mention  the  Prince  of  Wales,  inquire,  which  is 
greater,  the  DOLPHIN  of  France  or  the  Prince  of 
WALES?  solving  the  question  immediately  with  Ju- 
venal's 

"  Delphinig  Baloena  JSritannica  major." 
Than  DOLPHINS  greater  is  the  BRITISH  WHALE. 

Now  something  about  going  into  .Bedfordshire  and 
the  land  of  Nod  will  wind  up  what  is  commonly  called 
a  very  pleasant  day,  full  of  wit,  humour,  and  repartee. 
I  must  not  forget  to  observe,  that,  if  you  can  add  any 
practical  jokes,  which  lead  to  puns,  and  fall  at  all  short 
of  murder,  the  treat  will  be  improved. 

Viz.  Pinch  a  piece  out  of  a  man's  arm,  to  say  you  did 
not  know  there  was  any  harm.  Break  his  shin — that 's 
leg-al.  Pull  away  his  chair  *  when  he  is  sitting  down — 
you  've  good  ground  for  it.  Run  your  head  against  his 
— two  heads  are  better  than  one.  Overturn  the  milk- 


*  Memorandum.  This  joke  is  recommended,  by  the  surgeons,  for 
all  seasons ;  but,  in  my  system,  better  arranged,  it  will  be  proper  to 
distinguish.  In  the  winter,  when  the  carpet's  down,  you  are  glad  to 
bring  that  affair  on  the  tapis.  In  the  spring,  the  earth  begins  to 
tear  every  thing.  In  the  summer,  it's  "  summum  jus,"  because  it's 
"  summa  injuria,"  and  the  carpet  being  up,  you  give  him  board  with 
a  deal  of  pleasure,  that's  plain :  and  in  the  autumn,  you  allude  to 
Ihefall.  Besides,  what  does  he  do  in  a  chair — all  flesh  is  grass — 
hay! 


EVERY  MAN  HIS  OWN  PUNSTER. 

jug  on  him — then  he 's  in  the  milky  taay.  So  with  the 
urn — then  he 's  in  hot  water.  When  he  hops  about,  say 
he  seems  in  a  /arwe-ntable  way.  Let  the  boys  knock  the 
candle  into  some  lady's  lap — this  you  may  call  a  ivick-ed 
thing,  &c.  &c.  Intersperse  these,  with  other  such  ami- 
able pleasantries  as  these,  and  all  the  fools  (a  com- 
manding majority  in  every  assembly  in  the  country), 
will  shout  for  joy,  extol  your  wit,  and  applaud  your 
ingenuity. 


LONDON : 

PRINTED    BY    THOMAS   DAVISON,    WHITEFRIARS. 


CONTENTS. 


Page 

Dedication  to  the  King     .         . i 

A  Word  to  the  Witty  and' the  Wise       V^J    .»   , .  .  ...  •     .  iii 

Description  of  Frontispiece                 .  vii 

Prolegomena  on  Funning           ......  1 

Origin  of  Punning             »'•'-  •    '*•                         .         .         .  1-0 

Art  of  Punning,  by  Swift  and  Sheridan        .         .         ..        .  23 

Satire  on  Sheridan,  by  Dr.  Tisdal       .        ..        .«       .-        .-  68 

Djing  Speech  of  Tom  Ashe        ^        .  7S 

A  Pestilent  Neighbour .  77 

Punning  Epistle  on  Money         .        ...-..'.  J8 

God's  Revenge  against  Punning,  by  Dr.  Arbuthnot     .         .  Jd 

The  Birth  of  a  Pun            ....-..>..  84 

Antiquity  of  Puns           ....        .         .-        .         .-        .-  85 

Punning  on  Surnames •       .•  86 

Punning  run  mad               90 

Bashful  on  Punning *>.•*'/,  *•  98r 

Bxamples  in  Punning        fff' 

W.R.  V—ana ..       .'.       .»  126 

Norhuryana       .         ....         .         .         .c        ..  129 

Funning' Epigrams •       .  143 

The  Punster's  Court 165 

Puns  for  all  Purposes 166 

A  Punning  Essay 183 

Every  Man  his  own  Punster 190 


ILLUSTRATIONS, 

Page 

1.  Vignette  to  Title— The  Punster's  Court. 

2.  The  Dance  of  Wit         .         .        .        .        .         .         .        T 

3.  Squibs  and  Crackers,  a  5th  of  November  scene      .         .  1 

4.  The  Androgynes,  or  Jove's  Pun          ....         19 

5.  The  Art  of  Punning  23 

6.  The  Lord's  Humbassador 63 

7.  The  Dancing  Punster -70 

8.  The  Birth  of  a  Pun 84 

9.  The  Bashful  Punster  .         .         ...         .'        .         93 

10.  The  Magic  of  Punning 96 

11.  The  Punster's  Bowl 97 

12.  Lord  Norbury  and  Court 129 

13.  The  Sporting  Punsters 143 

14.  Death  of  Poor  Carlo     . 164 

16.  Gunpowder  Wit          .         .         .         .         .         .         .166 

16.  Tartani's  Dream 182 

With  Numerous  Elegant  Vignettes  interspersed  through  the  Work. 


yeuo 

•BTUJOJI]